Corny One for Friday

[Puckoon]

Dear, Dad
>
> father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
>
> Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>
> "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
>
> But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>
> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
>
> Love, your son, John.
>
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!
>
> Call when it is safe for me to come home

[illdecide]

LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM.  DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?"  DAD
LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"
BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON!"

[screenexile]

Kevin Keegan confirms the appointment of Dennis Wise...

[ziggysego]

No it doesn't screenexile.... 

[Bud Wiser]

Man comes in from pub, goes up stairs and leaves the mobile phone on the hall table. Wife reads messages and one says " Sam tommorrow, 2pm" so she confronts him and asks who is Sam.  "Oh its a tip for a horse I got for today" he says and when he comes home the next evening she says howya and then "Whap" a big box in the jaw.  And he says, "what the f**k was that for" and she say's "Yer f**king horse rang today."

[I SHOT JR]

A man walks in to Superdrug and asks, "Have any K.Y. Jelly?"
The shop assistant replies, "No, have you tried Boots?"
The man says, "I want to slide in, not fuckin march in"

[gerry]

Apparently Jeremy Beadle requested that he be cremated and scattered in his back garden with compost, rumours suggest he could come back as early as spring, in "Watch out Beadle's a sprout"

[illdecide]

SAY THAT AGAIN!!!


In a Bangkok temple:
'IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.'

Cocktail lounge , Norway:
  'LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.'

Doctor's office, Rome:
'SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.'

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
'DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.'

In a Nairobi restaurant:
   'CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.'

On a poster in Kenya:
'ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.'

On an Athi River highway (this is the main road to Mombasa) leaving Nairobi
.
'TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.'

In a City restaurant :
'OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.'

A notice seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
'DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.'

   In a cemetery:
'PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN  GRAVES.'

A Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
'GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.'

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
'OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.'

In a Tokyo bar:
  'SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.'

Hotel, Yugoslavia :
'THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THe
CHAMBERMAID.'

Hotel, Japan :
'YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.'

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
'YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.'

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  'IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ON  UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.'

Hotel, Zurich:
'BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.'

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
   'WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?'

  On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:    'GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.'

In a Swiss mountain inn:
'SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.'

  Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
    'WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.'

A laundry in Rome:
    'LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.'

[illdecide]

 

  HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
   
   
    Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place.
   
    Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so
what's the loss?
   
    The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
   
    Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good
that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick
back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
   
    Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.
   
    This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right
-- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
   
    Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?
   
    Sincerely,

     

    Bill Clinton

[illdecide]

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part........... :













"Only when he's been drinking."

[Zapatista]

Field to let for Summer 2008.

Suitable for hay or silage.

Contact Frank Murphy @ Pairc ui caoimh.

[boston]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion  that their ancestors already had a telephone network more that 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly there after, headlines in the English newspapers read:



'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper  wire and have considered that their ancestors already had an advanced high- tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."





One week later, 'The Kerryman' a southwest Irish newsletter reported the following: ' After digging as deep as 30 meters in the peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaelogist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless'

[armaghniac]

The jokes are repeating after only 2 pages now. Some new ones please.

[whyarerefssobad]

went to the doctor the other day he asked my name i said john mickey smith he said i will just call you john smith i said dont take the mickey out off my name

[the green man]

After watching Loose Women the previous day, Johnny goes up to his mother and asks

"Mammy, why do all girls wear white when they get married"

Mammy thinks a little and tells Johnny

"Because its to signify that they are pure and clean, like the snow Johnny"

So off Johnny marches into the oul fella and says

"Da, mammy says that all girls wear white on their wedding day because it represents that they are pure and clean"

"Don't be silly Johnny" says Da "All kitchen appliances are white"