Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then asked the Yellow Lab " why are you here ? "

The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.  But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I see."

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[illdecide]

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall..."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW... Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

[illdecide]

WICOE
> (Women In Charge Of Everything)
>
> Is proud to announce the opening of its
> EVENING CLASSESFOR MEN!
> OPEN TO MEN ONLY
> ALL ARE WELCOME
>
> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
>
> The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
>
> DAY ONE
>
> HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
> Step by step guide with slide presentation
>
> TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
> Roundtable discussion
>
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
> Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
>
> DISHES & SILVERWARE;
> DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
> OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
> Debate among a panel of experts.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL
> Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
>
> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
> Starting with looking in the right place
> Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
> Open forum
>
>
> DAY TWO
>
> EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
> DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
> Group discussion and role play
>
> HEALTH WATCH;
> BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
> PowerPoint presentation
>
> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
> Real life testimonial from the one man who did
>
> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
> AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
> Driving simulation
>
> LIVING WITH ADULTS;
> BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
> YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
> Online class and role playing
>
> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
>
> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
> & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
> Bring your calendar or PDA to class
>
> GETTING OVER IT;
> LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
> Individual counsellors available
 

> Send this on to all your girlfriends who may need a laugh and to guys who you think can handle the truth!

[Pangurban]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We’ve all probably said at some point “I don’t give a Jack Schitt” with knowing the origin of the saying. Well, you do now!!

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[illdecide]

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

[illdecide]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q:'Officer -- who provided this description?'
�
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[illdecide]

> The Man With One Testicle
>
> There once was a man who had only one testicle
>
> and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
>
> name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
>
> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
>
> cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
>
> again I will kill them!'
>
> The word got around and nobody called
>
> him that any more.
>
> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
>
> forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
>
> jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>
> the forest where he made love to her all day and
>
> all night. He made love to her all the next day,
>
> until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>
> The word got around that Onestone meant what
>
> he promised he would do. Years went by and no
>
> one dared call him by his given name until A woman
>
> named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
>
> away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
>
> overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
>
> and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
>
> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
>
> then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
>
> night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
>
> her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!
>
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>
> Why
>
>
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>
>
>
> OH, come on... take a guess !!!
>
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> Think about it !!!
>
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> You're going to love this !!!
>
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> Everyone knows...
>
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> You can't kill Two Birds
>
>
>
>
> with OneStone!!!

[illdecide]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY 

 

 

 

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though

it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin
University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.

 

 
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

 

 

 

 
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to
it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.

 

 

 

Suddenly,
the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out
of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
the bar, one said to the
other....
 
 

 
Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it

[Orior]

If you know anyone called Debra, then send them this photograph.



I think Debra works in Field Maintenance.

[gallsman]

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."[/b]

Was he watching Man on Fire recently by any chance?

[maddog]

If you know anyone called Debra, then send them this photograph.



I think Debra works in Field Maintenance.

quagga

[DoireGael]

Funniest one av heard in a while,

said to a lad in the bar ,'any luck last night?'

reply - 'Aw aye chief, left her face like a plasters radio

[illdecide]

Just bought a racehorse yesterday and i've called it "My Face". It might not be a winner but i can't wait to hear 10,000 women shouting "Come on..My face" on ladies day

[illdecide]

Another Bush Special

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal Presidential bathroom. When he entered the toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura about the urinal.
"Just think", he said when I am President, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent.

Later, when Laura has lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at the discovery of the fact, than in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill "I found out who pissed in your saxophone"

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

See that they've given GWB a job on the roads now:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-10936604