Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

>> >>A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
>> >>and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or
>> >>legs. The
>>son
>> >>is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as

>> >>he can,
>> >
>> >>with love and compassion.
>> >>
>> >>After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
> takes
>> >>him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
>> >>orders
> up
>> >>the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
>>looking
>> >>on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
>> >>boy takes
>> >
>> >>his first sip of alcohol.
>> >>
>> >>Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
>> >>bursts into
>> >
>> >>whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
>> >>The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to
>> >>shake
> his
>> >>head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
>> >>
>> >>Two arms pop out.
>> >>
>> >>The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
> drink
>> >>again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another
drink!!'
> The
>> >>bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing
>> >>glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
scenes.
>> >>
>> >>By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
> down,
>> >>grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
>> >>pop
>>out.
>> >>The bar is in chaos.
>> >>
>> >>The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
>> >>stands
>>up
>> >>on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right

>> >>through
>> >
>> >>the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
>> >>kills
>>him
>> >>instantly The bar falls silent.
>> >>
>> >>The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
>> >>
>> >>*
>> >>
>> >>*
>> >>He should have quit while he was a head!

[illdecide]

Swearing - I'M STILL LAUGHING

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You   know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time
we   started swearing.'


The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,
then  you   swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old
what he wants for breakfast.


'Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the
kitchen   floor,   got up,and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern
voice,'And   what   do


  YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco
Pops'

[Hoof Hearted]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[Louth Exile]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so  she called a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she told  the
repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike.  He won't bother  you.

  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
  circumstances, talk to  my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY
PARROT!!!"

Just as Wanda said, the biggest, meanest looking
  bulldog he has ever seen just lay there on the carpet watching him work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts with his
  incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally
the repairman couldn't contain himself and yelled,
"Shut  up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[The Corporal]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks,
"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand
and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English,
and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the
R20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says
the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't
have any feet. You can probably get me for R20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers R20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "Psssssssssssst," ! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know
if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the
mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the
postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her
all over," reported the parrot. ! "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[ziggysego]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks."

"Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh", said the man. "Who's clock is that?"

"That was Mother Teresa's. The hands never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?". St. Peter responded "That's George Washington's clock. The hands only moved twice telling us that George only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.

"Bertie's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[heganboy]

George W Bush doing Sunday Bloody Sunday- brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNRabQxLH98

[illdecide]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

we are going to make love all night.

" The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[Leg End]

George W Bush doing Sunday Bloody Sunday- brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNRabQxLH98

superb

[Billys Boots]

Quiz Answers - ouch.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[illdecide]

P E A N U T S
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
 

[illdecide]

I'm not positive but it might be a sin if you laugh at this one.
( It is funny though.)
 
Subject: Nothin' beats a good day shoppin'!
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping  trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his caretaker!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'

[gerry]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

[illdecide]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

[illdecide]

BOUGHT A TEDDY BEAR THIS MORNING FOR £10, CALLED IT "MOHAMAD". JUST SOLD THERE FOR £20. IS THAT A PROPHET???