Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

Never seen it.

[Candyman]

Go onto www.totallyNSFW.com (and this is pure filth so its defo NSFW) on the right hand side there is a video top 5 link and kerry is 2nd down....
BTW a "friend" gave me this link...

[Shamrock Shore]

Don't want to see it either 

[el_cuervo_fc]

#It's on youtube as well but i dont want the link on my system

[ziggysego]

I could do without seeing it.

[Candyman]

IMHO and after many, many viewings and analysis of the clip im convince that it is NOT her....

[illdecide]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. 

[Puckoon]

IRISH DRINKING RULE

Polishish guy drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Poland
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice"
A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says "In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need
to drink out of the same glass twice either."
An Irish girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Pole and
the Pakistani, catches the glass and says, "In Ireland we now have that
many Poles and Pakistanis that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice.

[illdecide]

Subject: FW: Best "Out of Office" Automatic e-mail Replies:
 
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over . .)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approx. 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of NEIL.

[illdecide]

I know this has been around b4 and it may already be on this thread. But just incase it's not:

Bobby Robson Quotes
"Eighteen months ago they [Sweden] were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like"

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?"
-On whether Paul Gascoigne should have gone to the 1998 World Cup.

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him"

"Sarajevo isn't Hawaii"

"The first 90 minutes are the most important"

"In a year's time, he's a year older"

"Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical"

"Anything from 1-0 to 2-0 would be a nice result"

"Home advantage gives you an advantage"

"The margin is very marginal"

"Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that"

"If you're a painter, you don't get rich until you're dead. The same happens with managers. You're never appreciated until you're gone, and then people say: 'Oh, he was OK'. Just like Picasso"

"What can I say about Peter Shilton? Peter Shilton is Peter Shilton, and he has been Peter Shilton since the year dot"

"Daft as a brush"
- On Paul Gascoigne.

"When he was dribbling, he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket"
- On Paul Gascoigne.

The little lad jumped like a salmon and tackled like a ferret"
- On Paul Parker at the at the 1990 World Cup.

"They can't be monks - we don't want them to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level"
- On Newcastle's disciplinary problems.

"If we invite any player up to the Quayside to see the girls and then up to our magnificent stadium, we will be able to persuade any player to sign"

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final"

"There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game that they lose"

"Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really"

"Hitler didn't tell us when he was going to send over those doodlebugs, did he?" - On why he was refusing to name his England team before a World Cup qualifer against Sweden in 1989"

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought"

"Look at those olive trees. They're two hundred years old - from before the time of Christ!"

"I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"

"Players never know why they are taken off or substituted - until they become managers"

"They're two points behind us, so we're neck and neck"

"I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence"

"Tottenham have impressed me: they haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun"

"If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won't lay any eggs in the basket"

"I would have given my right arm to be a pianist"

"I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about"

"Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good football"

We used to have Shaka Hislop on our books but I've never heard of Shakira. Is she a singer?"
- On learning that Shakira was staying in the same Barcelona hotel as his players in November.

"For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows"

[5 Sams]

This oul doll dies and goes up to heaven. She is met by St Peter at the pearly gates and he invites her in.

"Welcome to heaven Mrs Murphy", he says and begins to show her around. After a few minutes she hears a horrific scream from behind one of the clouds.

"What the hell was that?" she says to St Peter. 

"Oh", he says, "that's just another old lady who died before you getting holes punched in her back for her new wings."

A few minutes later she hears another blood curdling scream from behind another cloud.

"In the name of Jesus", Mrs Murphy says, "what was that???"

St Peter says, "Oh that's just another old woman who came up earlier getting holes punched in her head for a new halo".

"Christ", says Mrs Murphy, "I think I might be better off down in hell by the sound of things".

"Oh don't be doing that", says St Peter, "You'll only end up getting raped and sodomized down there."

Mrs Murphy replied, "Well at least I've got the fcukin holes for that!!"

[Leg End]

the pope needs the church in the vatican painted and is asking for quotes.

luckily paddy englishman paddy scotsman and paddy Irishman are all in the vatican that day...

Paddy Englishman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is he says £3000

The pope asks whats that for.  he says £1000 for me,,, £1000 for your charity,,, and £1000 for materials and labour
The pope says ok i'll wait for a few more quotes. but i'll keep u in mind

Paddy Scotsman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is ..........he says £6000

The pope asks whats that for.  he says £2000 for me,,, £2000 for your charity,,, and £2000 for materials and labour
The pope says ok i'll wait for a few more quotes. but i'll keep u in mind

Paddy Irishman goes in and the pope asks whats his quote is .............he says £9000

The pope flabergasted by the amount asks whats that for.  he says £3000 for me,,, £3000 for your charity,,, and we can get that stupid english cnut to do it

[Puckoon]

Jeffery dahmer tells his mother that hes bringing some friends over for dinner. The mum says:
"Jeffery, you know I dont like any of your friends"
Jeffery says:































"You can eat the vegetables then."

[illdecide]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round &
firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how
many types of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers.

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's
like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like
a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

[Puckoon]

A hunter skipped mass on sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned a corner along the path he and a big grizzly bear collided. The hunter stumbled backwards and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally he crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the hunter cried out in desperation

"Please lord, I am sorry for what I have done, please forgive me and save me, Lord please make that bear a christian"

Suddenly the heavens parted and a heavenly light shone down upon the bear. The bear skidded to its knees at the feet of the fallen hunter and said:











"Bless us O Lord for these, thy gifts, which of thy bounty we are about to recieve..."