Corny One for Friday

[Homer]

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is in the construction industry, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[illdecide]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems
even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. "When we eat
dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,

And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
That's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

[illdecide]

NEVER TRY TO IMPRESS A STRANGER



Jabu grew up in Thembisa. Later he went to University where he became a

Lawyer.



But one day he came back to Thembisa. He wanted to start a law practice

in the place he had grown up (to give back to the community).





The 1st day in his brand-new offices he saw a man enter the place. He

desperately wanted to make a BIG impression on his 1st client so he

grabbed the office phone and started talking on it.....pretending

there's someone on the other end! ''



No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns that I won't settle this case

for anything less than a million''!



Jabulani barked into the phone.'' Yes. The Constitutional Court has

agreed to hear that case next week.

I'll be handling the big argument and the other members of my team will

provide support!''

'' OK...Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to

discuss the details''!



This call went on for about 5min!!!!! All the while, the man waited

patiently.



Eventually Jabulani, sure that he had given the impression that he was a

really BIG SHOT, slammed down the phone and said to the guy: ''I'm sorry

for the delay,  but as you Can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for

you?''



The man replied: " I'm from Telkom; I've come to connect your office

telephone line! "

[ziggysego]

Prince Charles takes up jogging

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!"

[Louth Exile]

>Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

>a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
>begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
>It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models.
>saw one I really liked."
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: " 60,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
> last
>year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
> 900,000."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
> MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are
> looking
>at him in astonishment.
>
>WAIT FOR IT ............................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[armaghniac]

The Scouser said to the doctor,

That's a Scouser who was part of a Belfast couple, right?

[Bud Wiser]

There's a text doing the rounds saying Mrs Pavorotti is cleaning out the wardrobes and asking does anyone want Luciano's old suits !

[Puckoon]

I dont get it

[ziggysego]

Me neither. Sure you told it right?

[Bud Wiser]

Well it means who would want a suit that size !

[heganboy]

A threesome comprising a father, his son and his grandson went to the
country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a
beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She
explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf
had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could
join them. Naturally, they all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said,
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore.
If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or
do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But I enjoy playing golf and I consider my elf pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me
on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes
were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the
tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right
in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said,
"I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole
(she was closest to the pin.)
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said,
"It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."
She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out
of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the
fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys,
quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
had a difficult 12-foot putt on an undulating green. She turned to the three guys and said,
"I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment,
pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him
a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought!
He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said,
"Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little
hump and break right into the cup. "
His father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the
right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said,
"That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

MORAL: EXPERIENCE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

[Orior]

May have been on before, but worth repeating:

Attraction: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Dating: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Birth control: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

Easy: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Eye contact: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Friend: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaws which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

Indifference: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Irritating habit: when the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

Law of relativity: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

Nymphomaniac: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

Frigid: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than taking off her clothes.

Nag: a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Sober: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Love at 1st sight: what occurs when 2 extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

[Bud Wiser]

Anyone living around Tallaght will know or have heard of Paddy Drac who goes around cabaret venues with a coffin that he emerges from in a cloud of smoke dressed as Dracula.

Last year Paddy got a job in The Square doing Santa and he was there one day under pressure with gangs of kids around and you had to pay in to see him.  Anyway, a hardy little Dub went over to him and Paddy sat him up on his knee and started chatting to him.  Paddy said "Now, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas"  and the young lad said "Blades".

Paddy said " But you are too young to be shaving" and the young lad said.......

..........





...."No, Roller Blades ya fuckin eejit ya"

[Orior]

This is an American joke.....



Q. Whats the hardest thing about roller-blading?

A. Having to tell your parents that you're gay.

[illdecide]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.



This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).



If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.   Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.