Corny One for Friday

[guy crouchback]

Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
D'oh!
Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

Save me, Jeebus!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!

Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

God bless those pagans.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!

[illdecide]

I know some of these are repeated but there you go!!

X-RATED RIDDLES


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

===============================================

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

=============================================

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


============================================

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

=============================================

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

================================================

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

=============================================

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

===========================================

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

===========================================

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

=============================================

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

===========================================

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

=============================================

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

=============================================

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

===========================================

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


===========================================

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

==========================================

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

============================================

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

=============================================

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

============================================

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


============================================

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[shotstopper1]

eacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have
a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have
Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy!'
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country
can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking
round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy *
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,
me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick Pearse,
GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

[gerry]

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse darling."

Little Tony said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily

"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."

[Puckoon]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office> wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United> > States when his telephone rang.> > "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy> down> at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you> that> we are officially declaring war on you!"> > "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How> big> is your army?"> > "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is> myself,> me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team> from> the pub. That makes eight!"> > Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred> thousand> men in my army waiting to move on my command."> > "Begorra! !"said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"> > Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is> > still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"> > "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.> "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."> > Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000> tanks> and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to> one> hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."> > "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."> > Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is> still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified> Jackie> McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and> four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"> > Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must> tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My> military> complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.> And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred> thousand!"> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."> > Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',> Mr.> > Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."> > "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of> heart?"> > "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,> and decided there's no friggin' way we can feed two hundred thousand> prisoners.">

[Orior]

A reporter once asked Mrs Chirac what she liked about her husband the most and she replied "He brings me a penis"

"What!!!!" cried the reporter.

Mrs Chirac repeated "He brings me 'appiness"

[5 Sams]

...from Overheard in Dublin.


Galtee or Denny?

I heard a girl on the dart say that she saw a lad in college . To quote " Jayzis. He was a ride! Me rashers were Drippin!" . I'll leave it to your imagination to decide what this classy young lady was talking about.

LUAS

I was at a christmass party recently and the Clown / Juggler started asking the kids questions.

Clown: "Does anyone here know what the LUAS is?"
Kid: "Its a train"
Clown: "And does anyone know what LUAS means?"
Kid: "Yes its like sometimes you LUAS things and sometimes you find them"


The concerned thief

I was awoken about 4.30am the other week by the sound of someone trying to break the lock on my side gate to steal my moped which was in the rear garden. Rather than corner the bloke I went around the front of the house and shouted at him as loud as I could "what the F#ck do you think your doing?" the look on his face was priceless but he then climbed over the wall in to my neighbours garden and I continued shouting after him, at which point he stopped, turned around and said
"will ya shut da f#ck up yer gona wake everyone up"

[gerry]

For mums you have mothers day.

For dads you have fathers day

For me, I have palm sunday

[lynchbhoy]

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking from a stream.

He yells over to him ''Na ol an t-uisce, ta se lan de chac bo''

The man answers ''I'm English I don't understand Gaelic, speak English''

The Irishman replies, ''Use both hands, you'll get more in!''

[illdecide]

> >Peter Kay One Liners
> >
> >
> >1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
> >'Thyroid problem?'
> >
> >2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> >realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
> >him to forgive me.
> >
> >3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
> >go swimming.
> >
> >4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
> >get on with my real ladder.
> >
> >5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
> >ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> >6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
> >Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
> >
> >7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> >But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
> >break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From
> >there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> > My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> >why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> >9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
> >better have a good hand.
> >
> >10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> >said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
> >
> >11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
>
> >meat?
> >
> >12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
>
> >give the wrong answers.
> >
> >13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
> >
> >14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
> >things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
> >
> >15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
> >
> >16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
> >I've forgotten this before
> >
> >PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
> >
> >1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> >2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> >3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
>
> >pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> >
> >4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> >
> >5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
> >a fire in your back garden.
> >
> >6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> >7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> > You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> >
> >9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
> >the first given opportunity.
> >
> >10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> >through and then raced against the flush.
> >
> >11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> >12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> >
> >13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> >
> >14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> >
> >15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> >their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> >16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> >wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> >17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
> >in a fruit salad.
> >
> >SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
> >
> >1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> >
> >2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> >the core of the earth?
> >
> >3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> >4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
> >
> >5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
>
> >stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
> >
> >6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
> >
> >7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> >
> > Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> >centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> >
> >9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> >horrible crisp no one would eat?
> >
> >10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> >
> >11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> >squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> >
> >12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
> >
> >13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> >don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> >
> >14) What do you call male ballerinas?
> >
> >15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> >
> >16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> >
> >17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> >vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> >
> >18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
>
> >stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
> >wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[red hander]

What was the first thing Tony Blair said when he became a Catholic?

"We'll have to get rid of that useless ballix Strachan!"

[the green man]

After a long love making session, a guy and a girl are laying together.
The girl is playing with the guy's penis for a long time. He asks if she wants more sex.
She says that she is admiring his penis. He asks,"Do you like it?"
She says, "No...I just miss mine....."

[illdecide]

2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.
These are the helpless Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of plexiglass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from. "

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.   


In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends.

[Gaoth Dobhair Abu]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ******* bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any ******* bread, ask me again and I'll nail your ******* beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a ******* bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Croí na hÉireann]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/construction_worker_still_hasnt