Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Dear Abby


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.



Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.



What should I do?



Signed: Clueless




Dear Clueless:



Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!



You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

[Puckoon]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The
barman
looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The  ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a
call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey
Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good  money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
> "At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes." says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the
duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.

> "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
>_______________________________________

[5 Sams]

Coolness test

This test is based on how cool you were in School--what

crowd you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've

changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

[Louth Exile]

  lol

[Orior]

Excellent.

I got 8 out of 10 and the commentary says I'm as cool as a ice cube wearing shades.

[DMarsden]

http://www.fhm.com/asp_code/bigeyelinks/link.asp?http://www.theonion.com/content/video/use_of_n_word_may_end_porn_stars

sort of NWS.... careful now...

[Leg End]

did you hear about gareth gates...

he went into a shop to buy a mars bar and came out with 10 packets of m&m's

[Declan]

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock filling station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30.Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[illdecide]

      >A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
> >and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
> >

Ø      > >CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
> >

Ø      > >CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
> >

Ø      > >HAND JOB: $1000
> >

Ø      > >Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
> >beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
> >a meagre looking group of farmers.

Ø       

Ø       "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing
> >smile, "can I help you?"

Ø       

Ø      "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are
> >you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Ø       

Ø      The
> >old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Orior]

Q: Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?


A: Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment a week later.

[Puckoon]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but> losing his> >> shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and> blessed the> >> forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.>> >> Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. > Before the> >> next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with> interest the> >> old priest step onto the track.>> >> Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the> priest> >> made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.> >>> >>> >>> >> Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet> on the> >> horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the> priest> > had blessed won the race.>> >> Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which> horse the> >> priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a > horse.>> >> Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races> continued> >> the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up> coming> >> in first.>> >> Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last> race, he> >> knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick> dash to the> >> ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing> that would> >> tell him which horse to bet on.>> >> True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the> last race> >> and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot > >> of> the day.> >> Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves> of the old nag.>> >> Mitch knew he had a winner and bet cent he owned on the old nag. > He then> >> watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a> state of> >> shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.>> >> Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? > All day> >> long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,> the horse> >> you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost > every cent> >> of my savings - all of it!".>> >> The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said,> "that's the> >> problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference > >> between> a simple> >> blessing and last rites."

[Homer]

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

[ziggysego]

6 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.   

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples

[The Corporal]

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

[Orior]

Australian Love Poetry
==============

Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready there's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity but I know ya do ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now and I never tell ya lies
Cos I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on and fetch me another beer.