Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:
 
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from  Chicago  last night.

LAST ONE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

[illdecide]

According to a news
report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a
unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick,
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would
remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had
been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[mikasas]

What do you call a Derryman with two All Ireland Medals? A great dancer

Henry Downey?

[Hardy]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic
IOEOI

[illdecide]

 A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to  his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play football!"

[Hardy]

How do you get a cat to go "woof"?

Petrol, match.

[Celt_Man]

[illdecide]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.  Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[illdecide]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.   The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

[illdecide]

Scouts Camping Trip
>
> Dear Mum,
>
> Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
> flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our
tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
>
> Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
> write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search
and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
> telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
>
> The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
>
>  Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
>
> We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
> wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay
when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
>
> We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
> it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets
pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
> fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads
where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
>
> This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
> out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I
can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
>
> Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
> get mad about us not using the life jackets. He has to spend a
lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
>
> Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
> dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how
a tourniquet works.
>
> Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just
> food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got
sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
> 
> I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
> some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are
fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
>   
>   
>   
> 
>
>
>


Kevin

[Celt_Man]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,
It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Celt_Man]

Cool things about being a man & 10 things men know about
women!


Cool things about being a man ..

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.

[Celt_Man]

20 Ways to maintain a healthy level of Insanity! -


> >>
> >>1. At Lunch
> >>Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer
> >>At Passing Cars -  See If They Slow Down.
> >>
> >>2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
> >>
> >>3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries
> >>with that.
> >>
> >>4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
> >>
> >>5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has
Gotten
> >>Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
> >>
> >>6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
> >>
> >>7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
> >>
> >>8.Don't use any punctuation
> >>
> >>9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk
> >>
> >>10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
> >>
> >>11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
> >>
> >>12. Sing Along At The Opera.
> >>
> >>13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
> >>
> >>14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds
> >>All Day.
> >>
> >>15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their
>Party
> >>Because You're Not In The Mood.
> >>
> >>16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
> >>Bottom.
> >>
> >>17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> >>
> >>18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
>Yelling
> >>"Run For Your Lives, They're  loose!!"
> >>
> >>19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going
>To
> >>Have To Let One Of You Go."
> >>
> >>20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity..... Send
>This
> >>E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
> >>
> >>Its Called therapy
> >>
> >>
> >>

[illdecide]

A man rings his boss and says "I wont be at work today, i've got anal blindness."
Boss says "What the fcuk's that?"
Guy says "i can't see my arse getting out of bed today"

[Orior]

A man rings his boss and says "I wont be at work today, i'm sick."
Boss says "How sick are you?"
Guy says "Very. I'm in bed with my sister"