Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Topics - Banter Panther

#1
Last night, while discussing the merits of the provincial championships, I used the argument that 'money talks'. I've always presumed the system would eventually change, and sooner rather than later. I still believe that. Last year, the system came under intense scrutiny after a woeful Munster Championship, a light jog in Leinster for Dublin and a breeze for Mayo in Connacht. To be fair, much of the debate was centred on how predictable the championships were, which included the argument that Donegal would definitely win Ulster. They didn't, and a rare win for Monaghan in Ulster quenched the debate somewhat. With those aforementioned counties looking seemingly inscrutable this year, I think the debate will flare up again.

I have no vested interest. I love the provincial championships, but also see merits to the most obvious alternative (8x4 round robin). I think it would be mroe easily organised, making it beneficial to the organisation of club games. But my main argument, money comes first, may not hold as much weight as I thought. With an 8x4 system, you only end up with 48 group games, and 15 knockout, giving a total of 63. That's only 3 games more. Is it worth uprooting a now ancient system with many charms for something like this?

I've seen Connacht being won by Leitrim, Laois winning Leinster, Clare winning Munster, all remarkable and brilliant days for the GAA. Try telling a man or woman from Louth that Leinster doesn't matter, they were so wrongly robbed four years ago. But these examples, though beautiful, are rare. Are they enough to keep the provincials intact?

Would an 8 x 4 system really be more equitable? It would surely be seeded, so what's stopping mismatches between Leitrim and Dublin? And if Leitrim topped a group, would that mean as much as winning the Nestor Cup? Nope.

Would Sky prefer an 8x4 system to what we have had for years and years and years. And if they do, how much does it really matter? How much influence will they have?

Time will tell. I still think the system will change. But is there enough case for it? I'm not sure. If we have a provincial season like we had last year though, I think this debate will flare right back up.
#2
Dublin tend to polarise opinion, let's put it that way. Let me just make it clear that this is not an anti-Dublin thread, although it may give hope to many out there who are. I am simply stating that their invincibility may not be as pronounced as many feel it is.

Dublin are an excellent team. I have stated on another thread that I think they're as good as Kerry or Tyrone were in the 00's, if not better, although they will have to prove it by tagging on a few more titles. Which I have no doubt they will do. For all the talk of perceived home advantage, which I think is a legitimate cause for concern, they would still be big favourites. Why? Because, quite simply, they are the best team in the country.

However, there is always a tendency to look at All-Ireland champions as infallible. Their weaknesses are overlooked. Going into last year's championship, Donegal were perceived by many to be unbeatable. It proved to be way off the mark.

Firstly, let's look at this. Were Dublin there for the taking last year? Yes. If Declan O'Sullivan's effort had gone over the bar, it could have all been so different. Dublin had to be at 100%, and they were. Could Mayo have taken them in the final? Well, they came within a point, and were far from their best, so why not? Dublin may not have been brilliant themselves, but that's another story.

Their last defence in 2012 was shaky throughout, and, ultimately, Mayo put them out. Tyrone had weaknesses that were overlooked before their title defences, and they were beaten by teams like Laois, Meath, Cork and Mayo. They were a fine team, but on their day they could be beaten.

It's easy to forget that Dublin were beaten more than once during the league proper, and Cork should really have beaten them from the position they held. If Cork had finished the job, would we be talking about Dublin as the hottest favourites in at least recent championship history.

I think they will win it, but don't assume Championship 2014 is a foregone conclusion. If Dublin have a bad day, Cork, Mayo, maybe Kerry can take them. Who knows? Let's look forward to the Championship. May the best team win, and if that team is Dublin, so be it.
#3
With the Championship just around the corner, it looks as if Galway's hurlers may have once again put their hopes of All-Ireland glory in jeopardy.

Galway have frequently been associated with a lack of co-operation, and at time furious in-fighting, and sadly for fans of the Tribesmen, it looks as if 2014 may be no different. After a decent opening half performance against Kilkenny in their NHL semi-final, it has emerged that Galway's second half capitulation may have been the result of a familiar problem.

'We came into the dressing room, and a certain Portumna man made the discovery that the cookie jar had been raided. Things got heated, we'll put it that way. I reckon he was in on it, and one of the Portumna subs that done it. They've it all tied up between them.', said a Loughrea clubman, who did not wish to be named.

Another unnamed panel member from Gort presented a different slant to proceedings. 'One of the Ardrahan boys got up and bellowed 'Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? St. Thomas' stole the cookies from the cookie jar!'.' The Gortman continued, 'Thomas' were having none of it. Couldn't be, they said. The Ardrahan boys were perplexed. But sure who cares what they think, everyone knows it was the Kinvarra Klan'.

Tony Óg Regan waived his right to anonymity, and through tears managed to blurt out 'I'm so sick of all this fighting. There wasn't even a cookie jar in the bloody dressing room!'.

While presenting a picture of disunity, the players did manage to agree that if no perpetrator could be found, management should definitely be blamed for their immaturity, an immaturity borne out of frustration at the lack of respect given to them for their achievements at minor level by seniors in other counties. The validity of this news report is highly tenuous, and Banter Panther accepts no responsibility.
#4
Amid much speculation and debate within G.A.A circles, Dublin manager Jim Gavin has admitted Dublin are in receipt of a massive advantage over opposition teams, an advantage he is sensationally willing to hand over to prove his team's true worth, once and for all.

Over the past three years, Dublin's persistent access to well known Zimbabwean witch doctor Binterre Mbede has come under severe scrutiny. Mbede, 68, who has been living in Clondalkin intermittently since May of 2011, is seen by many as the sole reason for Dublin's incredible success over the past three years.

'She got us out of jail big time in 2011', admitted Gavin. 'There was no way we were going to win that final. I was looking on, and noticed that Pat Gilroy turned to a rather eccentric looking lady sitting up with the players. That woman was Binno, and it turns out that she was a key element to Dublin's success. She still is, if I'm being honest. I'm told she lit a match to a crude doll, vaguely resembling Killian Young, and this saw the mistake that led to Kevin's goal.'

'Before Clucko's last minute free, she reportedly got the subs together to hold hands and recite a prayer. The ball flew right between the sticks.'

Mdebe returned home to Zimbabwe to visit her family in August of 2012, and as a result was unavailable to Dublin as they bowed out to Mayo in the All-Ireland semi-finals. However, she was back for the Metropolitans last year as they claimed success in the League, Leinster and All-Ireland championships.

'I didn't want to use her, but things weren't looking good in the final. I gave in to temptation. Binno beheaded a chicken in the dressing room. It survived for about an hour afterwards, while Aidan O'Shea proceeded to mimic the chicken's every move for the rest of the game. It happened in the league semi-final again this year, she kicked down a Jenga tower and Cork collapsed. It's nice to win, but I don't feel right about it, truth be told'.

The GAA have continuously overlooked Dublin's use of voodoo, but have put a stop to Kerry's use of a druid from Castleisland. Tyrone were given short thrift when applying to have well known witch doctor Murty McGilligooly as part of their panel, enforcing a previously unknown rule prohibiting over-60's from lining out for county teams. McGilligooly was banned for life after urinating in a designated smoking area at Croke Park, an incident that McGilligooly strongly denies ever took place.

'It's time we give up this obvious advantage. I want Dublin to prove themselves. I know our lads can do it without the aid of black magic. What we've done is wrong.', Gavin concluded.

No representatives from the GAA were available for comment. It is not thought that Kerry will be awarded the 2011 Championship, because nobody likes them, nor will Mayo be awarded the 2013 edition, because they are still under the strict conditions of a curse dating back to 1951.
#5
Pearse Dempsey, senior sports writer for a little known Cavan publication, has once again expressed his undying love for Kerry football, in spite of consistently attempting to pour scorn on their achievements over the past 40 years of his writing career.

The article itself is the 213th rehash of an article first written by Dempsey in 1991, where he tells his loyal circulation of 85 people that the well has run dry for ever more in the Kingdom. He began the article by saying 'Nobody loves Kerry football more than me', a line that in the past has been the precursor for vile tirades against Colm Cooper's red hair, Paul Galvin's ugg boots, and a complete disregard for Jack O'Shea's blindingly obvious and breath-taking skill.

On one particularly infamous occasion, in light of Kerry's 3-in-a-row win in 1986, Dempsey appeared to lose control of himself, writing in block capitals: 'NOBODY LOVES KERRY FOOTBALL MORE THAN ME, BUT I'M SO F****** SICK OF THESE GREEN AND GOLD P*****, WHY ARE ALL THE OTHER COUNTIES NOT ABLE TO PUT IT UP TO THEM, THEY'RE CLEARLY F******* S****. IF THEY WERE IN ULSTER THEY'D WIN F******. F****** C****. F*** S*** B****** B******* D****'.

He also shot to brief prominence in Offaly for attempting to cut a lock of Seamus Darby's hair for safe-keeping, such was his idolisation of the Offalyman, before being escorted out of the county by a jeep drawn horse box by a member of Offaly's Royal Family.

His article is sure to draw huge backing from other readers, convinced that Kerry have lost their touch for ever more. Conversely, Kerrymen are sure to burn pictures of what they imagine Dempsey looks like (such is their lack of adequate dial-up connection) on the streets of Tralee and Killarney.

More as it comes to hand.
#6
Limerick County Press Officer Eamonn Phelan has reportedly set a date for Limerick's next mismanaged hurling team.

Members of Limerick's County Board have been debating for some time in relation to when their next talented crop of hurlers would reach senior level, but after much deliberation it can now be expressed with 'near-certainty' that 2019 will mark the next example of disastrous mismanagement in the Treaty County.

'This is an exciting development', remarked Phelan. 'We have some terrific minors coming through, and I have no doubt they will mature into Under-21's with All-Ireland winning potential. That's when the fun will start'.

The County Board predicts that Dónal Óg Cusack will take over the management reins in 2018, guiding them to promotion from Division Extreme Premier B, a Skybet Senior Munster Championship final win over Tipperary, and a near miss against All-Ireland Champions Dublin in the semi-final.

'We'll call him up on his posture at the AGM, offending him to his very core. He will swiftly walk away, and we'll bring in Justin McCarthy again. He'll make a right dog's dinner of it. We can't f****** wait'

No talented underage hurlers in Limerick were available for comment.

*Banter Panther accepts no responsibility for this extremely dubious news report.
#7
GAA Discussion / A few gripes with the GAA
April 28, 2014, 01:41:27 PM
Hello there. I'm a long time reader and first time poster. I'm afraid my first contribution to this forum is one of negativity, but I need to get a load off my mind. Here are my main gripes with the GAA.

1) BLAME DUBLIN: As if their massive population advantage wasn't enough, they are afforded another benefit that other counties don't have, in any other sport. Yes, that's right. Voodoo. How in the name of Shane Curran is Jimmy Gavin allowed to use black magic, while Fitzmaurice couldn't bring his Druid in to Croke Park by officials. It's appalling. The sight of Jimmy Gavin tearing the head off an Aidan O'Shea doll after 20 minutes of the All-Ireland final was frankly sickening and cost Mayo the All-Ireland.

2) PEOPLE WITH POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT FOOTBALL: Out of order. Everyone knows that hurling is the world's greatest game, we are reminded of it by hurling Jihadists every 28 seconds, and yet some people will have you believe that football is not just a game for those who drown adorable pets. Some people never learn.

3) NO PHONE-IN: It's high time we organised things in such a way that we can vote for who wins the Championship. We need to give an All-Ireland to Mayo and Waterford. Sure everybody loves them.

4) TOO MUCH POSITIVITY IN RELATION TO KERRY FOOTBALL: I want less acknowledgement of Kerry's consistently breathtaking play, and more people who pretend to be unimpressed by them. More talk of the well running dry for the first time in 110 years. More talk of soft All-Irelands. More talk of 'they'd win nothing in Ulster'. Less respect. More people like Liam Hayes, Joe Brolly and Paddy Heaney, but with a twist: no need to pretend that they love Kerry. Let's be open: we are big, fat, flaming Kerry haters, and we're proud.

5) GAA ALLOWED TO MAKE MONEY. WHY?: I have never in my life sought to make as much of a profit as possible from a brilliant product. I work for free. How dare, HOW DARE, this brilliant organisation that adds so much to our lives attempts to make a bit of money. Selling their product (or soul, if you ask me), to the highest bidder is WRONG.

Rant over.