"We are like dwarfs standing upon the shoulders of giants, and so able to see more and see farther than the ancients."
Bernard of Chartres
"And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the bears that Treadwell ever filmed, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of the bears. And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in food. But for Timothy Treadwell, this bear was a friend, a savior."
Werner Herzog
[He's] "like a lighthouse in the Bog of Allen, brilliant but useless"
Brian Lenihan, Snr
"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
Nick Hornby
"Through all he said, even through his appalling sentimentality, I was reminded of something—an elusive rhythm, a fragment of lost words, that I had heard somewhere a long time ago. For a moment a phrase tried to take shape in my mouth and my lips parted like a dumb man's, as though there was more struggling upon them than a wisp of startled air. But they made no sound, and what I had almost remembered was uncommunicable forever."
F Scott Fitzgerald
"Rod Liddle. He's the guy who ran away and left his wife for a young one"
Eamonn Dunphy
James Gogarty - "Will we get a receipt?"
Michael Bailey - "Will we f**k".
"You're like cow shite, never off the road"
Paddy Kielty's neighbour
50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Homer no function beer well without.
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
Quote from: Maiden1 on April 22, 2010, 11:14:33 AM
50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Reminds me of a Brian Butterfield quote
"Fire, fire! Quick someone ring nine hundred and ninety nine!"
When will Suzi Quatro stop rocking? "When I go on stage, turn my back to the audience and shake my ass and there's silence - then I stop".
'It was resting in my account'
Nick Clegg, Lib Dem leader.
Kenny Powers on triathalons:
'I play real sports, not trying to be the best at exercising.'
Catholic homes caught fire because they were loaded with petrol bombs; Catholic churches were attacked and burned because they were arsenals and priests handed out sub-machine guns to parishioners.
Ian Paisley
After a loyalist rally in 1968, he justified the burning of Catholic homes.
They breed like rabbits and multiply like vermin.
Ian Paisley
Of Catholics, to loyalist rally in 1969.
What did he say in 1970?
Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust.
Ian Paisley
Agreeing to historic power-sharing deal in Northern Ireland, March 2007.
I denounce you, Anti-Christ! I refuse you as Christ's enemy and Antichrist with all your false doctrine.
Ian Paisley
Addressed at Pope John Paul II on a visit to the European Parliament October 1988.
"I say NO, NO, NO, to the needless waste of fairy washing up liquid in this fine seaside water feature."
Ian Parsley
Unionist and Conservative candidate in North Down, Ian Parsley has kicked off his shock-and-awe media blitz
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields,
during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
- Police detective
questioning a wounded officer
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Defendant: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
- Testimony
from court records
One of my favourites by Olly
74 Non GAA Discussion / General discussion / Re: What will life be like in 20 years? on: February 23, 2010, 09:24:22 AM
I was reading one day and it might have been a paper or on here. It says that you can talk to a Chinese person and as he is talking, the translation is being processed across your eyeballs by using special glasses. So if you went to France you would programme your glasses to translate from French into English and as he spoke it would be going across your eyeballs as he speaks so you can read it. The only downside of this is that your eyeballs are moving swiftly from side to side as he speaks and he might think you are making fun of him.
I also think we will have toasters that toast in second and ovens can do the same. I think we will have food that is man made but the same exactly as beef and pork but much safer. I think we will be paying for things using our eyes like a credit card. I mean the bank gives you a credit card or a bank card but instead of a card they use your eyeballs as the chip/pin thing. So if you went to pay for petrol or clothes, you would just look at the woman and she would sign a torch in your eyes and then the money comes out of your account.
I also think we will be attacked by aliens or some life on another planet. I firmly believe this and I think others in positions do too. I think wars and gun fights can be resolves by using our eyeballs as some kind of negotiating tool to read the minds of others. That means that if the Americans were fighting the Taliban, they would know who was in the Taliban in a shopping centre by looking at their faces and detecting nervous sweat.
"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets."
- British government report
on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.
Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil.
Julia Child,
American TV chef
Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Mariah Carey.
A singer
Quote from: gerrykeegan on April 22, 2010, 01:10:55 PM
One of my favourites by Olly
74 Non GAA Discussion / General discussion / Re: What will life be like in 20 years? on: February 23, 2010, 09:24:22 AM
I was reading one day and it might have been a paper or on here. It says that you can talk to a Chinese person and as he is talking, the translation is being processed across your eyeballs by using special glasses. So if you went to France you would programme your glasses to translate from French into English and as he spoke it would be going across your eyeballs as he speaks so you can read it. The only downside of this is that your eyeballs are moving swiftly from side to side as he speaks and he might think you are making fun of him.
I also think we will have toasters that toast in second and ovens can do the same. I think we will have food that is man made but the same exactly as beef and pork but much safer. I think we will be paying for things using our eyes like a credit card. I mean the bank gives you a credit card or a bank card but instead of a card they use your eyeballs as the chip/pin thing. So if you went to pay for petrol or clothes, you would just look at the woman and she would sign a torch in your eyes and then the money comes out of your account.
I also think we will be attacked by aliens or some life on another planet. I firmly believe this and I think others in positions do too. I think wars and gun fights can be resolves by using our eyeballs as some kind of negotiating tool to read the minds of others. That means that if the Americans were fighting the Taliban, they would know who was in the Taliban in a shopping centre by looking at their faces and detecting nervous sweat.
i am pissing myself laughing at that :D :D :D :D that is just so funny, nut mag.
"To find his equal an Irishman is forced to talk to God!" - Stephen in Braveheart.
"and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green." Ted Lowe, Pot Black snooker commentator....I remember this particular quote as my parents and big brother nearly keeled over laughing.
Quote from: gerrykeegan on April 22, 2010, 01:10:55 PM
One of my favourites by Olly...
I think we will be paying for things using our eyes like a credit card. I mean the bank gives you a credit card or a bank card but instead of a card they use your eyeballs as the chip/pin thing. So if you went to pay for petrol or clothes, you would just look at the woman and she would sign a torch in your eyes and then the money comes out of your account.
The advance in biometrics means that this is highly likely in the next few years!
Soccer Quotes
'My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
'i like my women like I like my coffee - with two es in them'
Barry the blender
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4O-wDli0S4&rel=0
Sid (wrestler) Listen closely he mixed up his quote live on TV :D
Pulp Fiction:
Butch: You okay?
Marsellus: Naw man. I'm pretty f****n' far from okay.
Butch: What now?
Marsellus: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' n*****s, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass.
Butch: I meant what now between me and you?
Marsellus: Oh, that what now. I tell you what now between me and you. There is no me and you. Not no more.
Jules: Now Yolanda, we're not gonna do anything stupid, are we?
Yolanda: You don't hurt him.
Jules: Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like?
Yolanda: Cool?
Jules: What?
Yolanda: He's cool.
Jules: Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool. Now Ringo, I'm gonna count to three, and when I count three, you let go of your gun, and sit your ass down. But when you do it, you do it cool. Ready? One... two... three.
[Ringo sits down opposite Jules]
Yolanda: All right, now you let him go.
Jules: Yolanda, I thought you said you were gonna be cool. Now when you yell at me, it makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfu**ers get scared, that's when motherfu**ers accidentally get shot.
Yolanda: You just know, you touch him, you die.
Jules: Well, that seems to be the situation. But I don't want that. And you don't want that. And Ringo here *definitely* doesn't want that.
Jules: [Vincent and Jules are cleaning the inside of the car which is covered in blood] Oh, man, I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some f****d-up repugnant shit.
Vincent: Jules, did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?
Jules: Get the f**k out my face with that shit! The motherf***er that said that shit never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull on account of your dumb ass.
Vincent: I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a f**kin' race car, right, and you got me the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's f**kin' dangerous to have a race car in the f**kin' red. That's all. I could blow.
Jules: Oh! Oh! You ready to blow?
Vincent: Yeah, I'm ready to blow.
Jules: Well, I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherf**ker, motherf**ker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Superfly T.N.T., I'm the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT THE F**K AM I DOIN' IN THE BACK? YOU'RE THE MOTHERF**KER WHO SHOULD BE ON BRAIN DETAIL! We're fu**in' switchin'! I'm washin' the windows, and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull!
Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
Fabienne: Whose motorcycle is this?
Butch: It's a chopper, baby.
Fabienne: Whose chopper is this?
Butch: It's Zed's.
Fabienne: Who's Zed?
Butch: Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.
Father Ted:
Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.
Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!
Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!
Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.
\
Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
I watched Mars Attacks again recently (great film!):
Martian Translator Device: All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.
Rod Steiger as the impatient, hawkish, General Decker: What the hell does that mean?
Jack Nicholson's President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad.
Martian Translator Device (as they're running around killing everyone left, right and center!): Don't run! We are your friends!
If i had a bag of willys i'd throw her one.
Quote from: ballinaman on April 30, 2010, 03:19:01 AM
If i had a bag of willys i'd throw her one.
I'm so unlucky... If i fell into a barrel of tits I'd come out sucking me thumb!
Yer one.....she even give a snowman the horn ;)
Quinn dont do quotes anymore :(
The GAA should make a decision either way and stop all this arseboxing around.
- Tommy Lyons.
Whatdyacallit.
- Brian McIvor.
And I think it's a fee. Yes, it is a free. A free for Mayo. The Mayomen have a free. A free in the middle of the field for Mayo.
- Brian Carty.
QuoteAnd I think it's a fee. Yes, it is a free. A free for Mayo. The Mayomen have a free. A free in the middle of the field for Mayo. No, it is a free. A free for Roscommon. The Roscommonmen have a free. A free in the middle of the field for Roscommon. No, it is a free. A free for Mayo. The Mayomen have a free. A free in the middle of the field for Mayo. Emmmmm.
- Brian Carty.
Fixed that there for ye Hardy. ;)
"And the wild regrets and the bloody sweats None knew so well as I: That he who lives more lives than one, More deaths than one shall die."
Oscar Wilde
'The only time the boot should ever be out of Mammy is to drive the other one into her.'
Oakleaf Gael, GAA Board member referring to Mary O'Rourke following his viewing of the RTE documentary 'Crisis- Inside the Cowen Government'
A 150/1 shot bolted home at Glorious Goodwood yesterday, Brough Scott in today's paper:
"Of course it is easy to be a rider in the stands. In the 50 yrs since hanging up my boots I have noticed how much I have improved as a rider, with a judgement of pace now second to none."
Made me laugh and I couldn't help relating it to some of the GAA podcasters currently stealing a living.
Quote from: bennydorano on July 31, 2025, 03:35:47 PMA 150/1 shot bolted home at Glorious Goodwood yesterday, Brought Scott in today's paper:
"Of course it is easy to be a rider in the stands. In the 50 yrs since hanging up my boots I have noticed how much I have improved as a rider, with a judgement of pace now second to none."
Made me laugh and I couldn't help relating it to some of the GAA podcasters currently stealing a living.
Some pure chancers out there giving their 'expert' opinions...it's like the player who is injured too, gets better the longer the injury lasts!
Quote from: brokencrossbar1 on July 31, 2025, 04:03:54 PMQuote from: bennydorano on July 31, 2025, 03:35:47 PMA 150/1 shot bolted home at Glorious Goodwood yesterday, Brought Scott in today's paper:
"Of course it is easy to be a rider in the stands. In the 50 yrs since hanging up my boots I have noticed how much I have improved as a rider, with a judgement of pace now second to none."
Made me laugh and I couldn't help relating it to some of the GAA podcasters currently stealing a living.
Some pure chancers out there giving their 'expert' opinions...it's like the player who is injured too, gets better the longer the injury lasts!
A lot of pundits have been remarking, but only since Sunday evening, about how predictable Donegal's tactics were.