Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.  He had no  arms and noLegs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#*ked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he  said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide  comes in.

[Orior]

A wedding was taking place in Cavan town. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

An Garda Sciochana get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"

[illdecide]

Great quotes: "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
love." Woody Allen. "The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis. "There we
were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that
guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary. "My classmates would
copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself." Emo Philips. "It's better to be black than gay because when
you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed
with me, she said "no'." Woody Allen. "We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one
hundred percent." RD Laing. "Love is the answer - but while you're
waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody
Allen. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more
interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace. "I believe that sex is a
beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have
sex quite so often." Emo Philips. "When the authorities warn you of
the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening. "Don't have sex
man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them." Steve Martin. "It's so long since I've had sex I've
forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.

[Orior]

Great quotes: "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I
love." Woody Allen. "The big difference between sex for money and sex
for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis. "There we
were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that
guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary. "My classmates would
copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself." Emo Philips. "It's better to be black than gay because when
you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed
with me, she said "no'." Woody Allen. "We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one
hundred percent." RD Laing. "Love is the answer - but while you're
waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody
Allen. "An intellectual is someone who has found something more
interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace. "I believe that sex is a
beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have
sex quite so often." Emo Philips. "When the authorities warn you of
the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening. "Don't have sex
man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to
them." Steve Martin. "It's so long since I've had sex I've
forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.

And there was me thinking I was an intellectual

[illdecide]

Well Orior i don't know what that big word means so i can't comment

[illdecide]

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Orior]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems
he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has
ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[illdecide]

Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept
of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

[Orior]

A friend of mine recently opened a bonsai tree business in Athlone.

It is going so well, that he is planning to move into a smaller premises.

[illdecide]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ........
SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO
THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY !!

[illdecide]

A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED SHE ASKED:   "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED, "MUM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID,  "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED, "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL  WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

[illdecide]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending a field hospital.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
British generosity.

[Pangurban]

Subject: New Element Discovered



Scientists at Belfast Metropolitan College
have discovered a brand new element. The new element, Stormontium
(symbol=Sm), has 2 neutrons, 10 assistant neutrons, and 96 deputy
neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 108.

These 108 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
pillocks. Since Stormontium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.

A tiny amount of Stormontium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Stormontium has a normal half-life of 2 to 5 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Stormontium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Stormontium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical
morass. When catalysed with money, Stormontium bonds with
Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much
energy as Stormontium, since it has twenty times the number of pillocks
but half as many morons. Administrative pillocks are characterised by
an aversion to using up energy. In fact the more pillocks there are in
Administratium the less energy they use
 
The scientists concluded that in its present form there were very few
practical uses for Stormontium.

[gerrykeegan]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

[Hedley Lamarr]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f**king boat

Excellent