Corny One for Friday

[offtheground]

Loyalist Bear practicing for the 12th;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1UT6Zv8rFE

[illdecide]

> Question: How can you tell the difference between a P.S.N.I., Australian, and an American Police Officer?
>
> SITUATION:
> "You are a cop walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
>
> What do you do?
>
> 1 P.S.N.I.OFFICER
>
> Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
>
> Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
> Does he prefer to communicate in English or Irish?
> Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
> Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
> Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
> Is the alleged 'client' a member of the Sinn Fein or an Environmental Group?
>
> Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
> Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
> Is he an undercover Sunday World reporter looking for a news breaker?
> Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
> Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
> Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
> Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.
>
> 2 AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER
>
>
>
> Answer: BANG!
>
> 3 AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER
>
> Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG! BANG! Click.

[gorm agus bui]

Has Feckedifiknow been dropped by Romania?

yes nd breaking news that Ivan Knackovnickinemov, part time Castrator, has been chopped of the Russian team

[no mo do yakamo]

Any updates on Hujanikabollikov (reportedly has 3 testicles) or Rotger Kokkov(suffering from a venereal disease)

[illdecide]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[illdecide]

 WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:

Definitely not!
WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:

Of course I do.
WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:

Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE

Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck ....

[Orior]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[illdecide]

Older men scam

      Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have
seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about
it.

      A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Tesco's, SuperValu, Dunnes Stores, or even Lidl. This one caught me
totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever
scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends.

      Here's how the scam works:

      Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car
or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible
not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

      You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

      I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

      So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

      Tesco has wallets on sale for €4.99 each. I found even cheaper
ones for €1 at the Euro shop and bought them out in three of their
stores.

      Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11
pounds just running back and forth from Tesco's, to Dunnes Stores, to
Lidl, Etc.

      So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and
warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[illdecide]

40 put down lines (must be something here you can use)


1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off..

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a ****ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left..

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary..

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality

[Niall Quinn]

3 French felines walking over a thawing pond in winter -
une deux trois cat sank.

[southdown]

What's  the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a  new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British  intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could  have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave   Africa with out catching anything.

I can't believe we only managed a  draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm  ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to  put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying  the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and  BP's spill? - Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you  manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got  yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort  it
out..."

The FA  have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the  dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.

The English FA have rejected a sponsorship deal from a pet food Company, they felt that having Winalot on the shirts would be taking the micky

The England team have a new coach; it is picking them up from Heathrow at 15:30

When the England team do get back the FA have set up a helpline for them on 0800 41 41 41

I see that  OXO  are bringing out a new OXO cube that will have a white wrapper with a red line running around both sides, it will be called the laughing stock

David Blaine  is miffed of because Wayne Rooney has broken his record of
sitting in a box for 44 days without doing anything

[illdecide]

"Those who have ears..."

An Irish daughter had not been at home for over a year.

Upon her return, her daddy accosted her:- Where have you been all this while?

Why did you fail to write to us, not even to say hi?

Why didn't you call? Do you know what your mommy has been through?

The gal, crying, replied, : Dad, I became a prostitute!!

''You what? Get out of my house, shameless harlot! Sinner!

You are a disgrace to this Catholic Family''

OK,Dad-as you wish.

I just came back to give mom this sweet fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5m savings certificate.

For my kid brother ,this gold ROLEX watch and $20k cash.

For you Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked in the front of the house, a fully paid membership to the country club plus an invitation for you all to spend New Year's eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and.......

The dad cut in: What did you say you had become?

Between sniffs, the gal trembling answered again: a prostitute,please....

Oh my God! You got me scared half to death, my little gal!!

I thought you said a PROTESTANT! Come nearer and give your daddy a hug.

[illdecide]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and me agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning i was up first so i slowly pulled back the covers...and stuck my c**k in her mouth.

[illdecide]

The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together...

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.  After awhile, she finds herself
thinking, "Oh my God!  Maybe this guy
could be the one!"  "Maybe he could be the future father of my
children!" 
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.  He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where
they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so completely overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest, and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy smiles at her, gently strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
 
"Help yourself to any prize   from the middle shelf."

[illdecide]

The CCCC have reviewed the video footage of Sunday's Leinster final between Meath and Louth. Taking into account the square ball, the throw and the position of the referee they have decided to suspend Paul Galvin for another month