Corny One for Friday

[Onion Bag]

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, 'Don't laugh!'
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a triple-A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' the man replied.

[Onion Bag]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me .'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease...
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates...'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[illdecide]

FIRST DATE

                 If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I
hope you're sitting
                 down when you read it. This is probably the
funniest date story ever,
                 first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates
but this takes the cake.

                 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first
                 date that a woman ever had.

                 The winner des cribed her worst first date
experience. There was
                 absolutely no question as to why her tale took
the prize!

                 She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite
cold...and the guy
                 had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City , Utah .

                 It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, after all,
                 and truly had never met before.

                 The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed
                 home late that afternoon.

                 They were driving back down the mountain, when
she gradually began
                 to realize that she should not have had that
extra latte.

                 They were about an hour away from anywhere
with a rest room and in
                 the middle of nowhere!

                 Her companion suggested she try to hold it,
which she did for a
                 while.

                 Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came
                 a point where she told him that he had better
stop and let her go
                 beside the road, or it would be the front seat
of his car. They stopped and
                 she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
her pants down and
                 started.

                 In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt
                 rest against the rear fender to steady
herself.

                 Her companion stood on the side of the car
watching for traffic and
                 indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she
                 could think about was the relief she felt
despite the rather embarrassing
                 nature of the situation. Upon finishing
however, she soon became
                 aware of another sensation.

                 As she bent to pull up her pants, the young
lady discovered her
                 buttocks were firmly glued against the car's
fender.

                 Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
immediately came to mind as she
                 attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy
metal. It was quickly
                 apparent that she had a brand new problem due
to the extreme cold.

                 Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the
humo r of the moment,
                 she answered her date's concerns about 'what
is taking so long' with a
                 reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt
off' and in need of some
                 assistance!


                 He came around the car as she tried to cover
herself with her
                 sweater and then, as she looked imploringly
into his eyes, he burst out
                 laughing.

                 She too, got the giggles and when they finally
managed to compose
                 themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

                 Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced
                 with a real problem. Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her
                 chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

                 Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first
                 place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her
                 free.

                 So, as she looked the other way, her
first-time date proceeded to
                 unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender. As the audience screa med
                 in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps
                 that should be 'pants down.' And you thought
your first date was
                 embarrassing.

                 Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new
meaning to being
                 pissed off.

                 Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He
became her husband and
                 was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[illdecide]

The CIA have been training Barak Obama on how to react in the event of a suicide attempt, every time they shout get down, he starts dancing!!!!

[illdecide]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally. 




-Ever wondered why



Because she smells like a new car

[Onion Bag]

Typical Builders


This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your
Belief in the goodness of people and that there is
Hope for the human race.


A young family moved into a house next door to an
Empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers
Turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
Took an interest in all the activity going on next
Door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all
With hearts of gold, more or less adopted the
Little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they
Had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
To do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and
Gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders
Presented her with a pay envelope containing two
Pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
Home to her mother who suggested that they take
The money to the bank the next day to open a
Savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink
Listening to the little girl telling her about her
'work' on the building site and the fact she had a
'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this',
Said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked
Every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're
Building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will
You be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said
Seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons
Deliver the f**king bricks.'

[Santino]

Two pensioners are engaging in a bit of oral sex when the oul boy says to the woman 'I can't keep this up for much longer cuz its stinkin down there'.
The oul doll replies 'Oh sorry, thats my arthritis'
'What, arthritis in your f*nny?' he says.
'No, arthritis in my arm. i can't wipe my arse right.'

[illdecide]

A Paki girl from Bradford writes a problem page letter:

"Dear Deidree, I'm a 13 year old girl and i'm still a virgin. Do you think my brother is queer?"

[illdecide]

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied

[StGallsGAA]

A Paki girl from Bradford writes a problem page letter:

"Dear Deidree, I'm a 13 year old girl and i'm still a virgin. Do you think my brother is queer?"

Does this joke really need the racist slur to work?

[illdecide]

Yes...So wind your neck in a bit...

[illdecide]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally....

'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
 
She went back to find out what was going on.
 
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
 
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
 
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
 
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
 
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
 
'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Off The Fence]

A little boy ask his dad "what is politics?" 

The father says "well son, lets explain it to you this way. I am the head of the family so call me An Taoiseach, your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We exist to take care of your needs so we call you The People. The nanny we call the Working Class. And you baby brother, we call him The Future.

The boy goes to bed, thinking about all of this. In the middle of the night, he is awakened to his baby brother crying. He checks on him and discovers that the child has a soiled nappy.  He goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep, alone. He proceeds to the nanny's room where he finds his father in bed with the nanny.

The next morning his father asks him does he now understand the term politics? The boy replies that the Taoiseach is screwing the working class while the government sleeps The People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit!!

[illdecide]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
People, Mary or Jack... It was an impossible decision because they were
Both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
Night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her
And said: "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you
Or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says...... "I feel like shit."

[5 Sams]

Two pensioners are engaging in a bit of oral sex when the oul boy says to the woman 'I can't keep this up for much longer cuz its stinkin down there'.
The oul doll replies 'Oh sorry, thats my arthritis'
'What, arthritis in your f*nny?' he says.
'No, arthritis in my arm. i can't wipe my arse right.'

Heard that one years ago.....still a classic