Corny One for Friday

ardal · November 26, 2008, 04:15:24 PM

Patient: "Have they sent the results of my test yet"

Doctor: "Yes. It's not good news I'm afraid"

Patient: "Christ doc, how long have I got to live?"

Doctor: "Ten...."

Patient: "Ten what? Months? weeks?

Doctor: "nine, eight, seven, six......"

illdecide · November 27, 2008, 10:22:27 AM

Christmas Card From Investment Banker

Let's Sing together everybody~~~~

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise

Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk

So keep out for goodness sake,

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

illdecide · November 27, 2008, 02:38:21 PM

Some you've heard b4 and some are new so here goes...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I
said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Bud Wiser · November 28, 2008, 07:36:56 PM

Just went into a pub down the road there on the way home to meet a fella to pay for a job he did on my car, not my local. Anyway, on Sky News they were showing the shooting "firefight" between the authorities and the terrorists in Mumbai on Sky News and there was a reporter lying on the ground with the usual bullets flying overhead. Then it showed a scene of fellas firing auto's into the hotel where the terrorists were and there was this oul lad sitting at the bar and without raising the head outa the pint in front of him he says " I see they are at it in Limerick again" !

Open yer eyes Man · November 28, 2008, 08:47:30 PM

With Lewis Hamilton recently being crowned the Formula 1 World Champion for 2008 and Barack Obama being made the President of America and king of the free world, it has never been a cooler time to be black.

I'm sure Michael Jackson is kicking himself.

gerry · November 28, 2008, 11:50:17 PM

Darling claims "first shoots of recovery" as 101 new jobs are created in the call centre industry

gerry · November 28, 2008, 11:50:48 PM

America has offered to send in the 7th Cavalry to Mumbai, apparently they have some experience in dealing with Indians.

gerry · November 28, 2008, 11:54:25 PM

Spurred on by the attacks in Mumbai, Muslim terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford and are shooting anyone with a British passport.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 12.

Frankie Boy · November 29, 2008, 01:57:29 AM

I don't get any of those, gerry.

illdecide · December 03, 2008, 10:18:58 AM

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
   The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
   Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
   obnoxious and laced with profanity.



    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
   consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
   anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

   Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
   The parrot yelled back.

   John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

   John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
   bird and shoved him in the freezer.



    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
   Then suddenly there was total quiet.
   Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

   Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
   John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

   The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
   arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
   with my rude language and actions.
   I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
   and I fully intend to do everything I can to
   correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

   John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
   As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
   dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....

   ........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'

illdecide · December 03, 2008, 11:20:36 AM

This letter was sent to the Camps Bay High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Campsbay High School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Goodwood Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one,
she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to f " ck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

gerry · December 04, 2008, 12:22:09 PM

Just got an advent calendar from Woolworths.

All the windows were boarded up.

illdecide · December 04, 2008, 02:26:41 PM

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and
he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?' And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself
a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give
him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

illdecide · December 04, 2008, 02:34:03 PM

Subject: An Ann Summers Fatality
>
>
> A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
>
> He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
>
> He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
>
> Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
>
> So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
>
> His funeral is this Thursday.

Puckoon · December 04, 2008, 08:05:03 PM

The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".