Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit'.

[illdecide]

A 20 year old woman marries an 80 year old Orange man. After sucking his d**k her best friend asks "What was it like?"
She replies "It was old but it was beautiful"...

Ill get my coat...

LOL

Shouldnt Illdecide get reported for abusing another poster? http://gaaboard.com/board/index.php?action=profile;u=1557

Very good Orior...lol. I forgot about Orangeman on the board but now we know he's 80 years old we shall go easy on the poor sod...

[illdecide]

CAKE OR BED
>
> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
> 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
> 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN'
WRITTEN ON MY
> FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
> 'FINE!'
>
> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!'
>
> 'FINE!' SHE SAYS
> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
>
> 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
> WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR
WOODROW'
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE
PUB!!!!'
>
> SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
> COUPLE OF HOURS..............
>
> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
> TO GO HOME
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
> SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
> AND I TOLD HIM.
> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO
> BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
>
> HE SAID,
> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
>
> SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON
MY
> FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[milltown row]

The priest is away on some business and checks into the hotel. On entering the room with the bell boy he asks the bell boy, "I hope that the porn channel is disabled?" at which point the bell boy says "no, its just normal porn, ya dirty fecker"

[5 Sams]

NASA launches a rocket with two monkeys and woman on board.

Houston to the 1st Monkey. "Adjust oxygen to 40% and carry out post launch checks."

Houston to the 2nd Monkey. "Throttle back, power down engines and adjust anti-gravitational shield."

Houston to the woman. "Feed the monkeys and touch fcuk all...."

[Puckoon]

There is fall out in the para olympic games committee due to the sending home in disgrace of one the Irish contestants after he tested positive for WD40.

[DrinkingHarp]

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the DNA is the same and there is no dental records.

[DrinkingHarp]

VANILLA PUDDING ROBBERY

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were suprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat".

The robbers opened up the second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued untill all safes were opened. They did not find one Euro, Pound, diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.




                                                         The newspaper headline read:
















                              IRELANDS LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

[5 Sams]

Trojan terra


http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=fAYOVbyyPeA&feature=related

[Guillem2]

What's the capital of Iceland?



About £3.50.

[illdecide]

A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a trip to the races at Ayr to see and learn
about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in primary seven.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[illdecide]

Mexican Oysters
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
 
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
 
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
 
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
 
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
 
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
 
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
 
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
 
Sometimes the bull wins.'

[illdecide]

Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll Guy behind the counter says " Male or Female"
Customer says "Female"
Counter Guy "Black or White"
Customer Guy "White"
Counter Guy "Christian or Muslim"
Customer says " What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter Guy " The Muslim one blows itself up"

[5 Sams]

Last week the wife was giving off to me for leaving the toilet seat up.
This week she's complaining about piss all over the toilet seat.

I wish to fcuk she would make her mind up.

[the Deel Rover]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be  confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of  your  time, I would like to....... "F*ck off!" said the old lady.
"I  haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door.Quick as a flash  the  young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be  too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t All over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good  appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."