Corny One for Friday

[The Real Laoislad]

An American golfer playing a round in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.  Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and  poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh!  What happened?' the little Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.  Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.  'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'  And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.  I have to do something for him.  I'll  give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.  'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.  I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'  He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.  'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.'   And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.  How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's all?  Only once or twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[illdecide]

.The 1st Affair
> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt..
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
> 'You lying bastard!
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
> The 2nd Affair
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> but always talked about having a son.
> They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
> he had ever seen.
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
> be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'No, not this time!'
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
> A mortician was working late one night..
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved fo r posterity.'
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
> 'I have something to show
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase.
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
> The 4th Affair
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
> she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
> 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too.'
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
> The 5th Affair
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?'
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
> The bartender replied:
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
> with your wife?'
> The bartender replied:
> 'The same thing I'm doing
> to his business down here.'
>
>
> The 6th Affair
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly:
> 'I have something I must confess.'
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
> 'No,' he insisted,
> 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> her best friend, and your mother!'
> 'I know,' she replied.
> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[illdecide]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey, This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now..'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.**

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'

[offtheground]

A Heart Warming story....



In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North western University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Some twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[ziggysego]

I'm laughing myself silly at that joke 

[Orior]

If Dan hadnt said "Elephant juice" to the animal in Chicago Zoo he might still be alive today.


PM me if you need explanation. No dont.

[Orior]

NEWSFLASH!

Ross and Brand have had their names added to the Sachs Offender Register

[illdecide]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.



Paddy 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken'



Operator 'What is your location sir?'



Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'



Operator 'How do you spell that sir?'



Silence.



After a minute:-



Operator 'Are you there sir?'



Silence.



A minute later:-



Operator 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'



This goes on for another few minutes until:-



Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'



Paddy 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

[illdecide]

What do Felipe Massa and Jean Charles De Menezes have in common?

Both are Brazilian and got fucked by a Glock.

-----------------------------------------------------

Lewis Hamilton, F1 World Champion.
The last time a Brazilian got fucked that badly by an Englishman was at Stockwell Tube Station.

[illdecide]

A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas. 
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident.  Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? '

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh -1- t when I tell you the price.'

[lynchbhoy]

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ...
OH, MY GOD!'



Silence followed!



Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of
mine!'

[DrinkingHarp]

There was a young lass who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "forgive me Father for I have sinned."

The priest said, "confess your sins and you will be forgiven."

The young lass said, "Last nite my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young lass asked "will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Bensars]

Subject: FW: FW: Disorder in the American Courts                                               
                                                                                               










These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are  things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now  published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while  these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,  he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition  notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to  rephrase that?
____________ __________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an  autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing  law.


========================================================================

[Orior]

Q. Two cows standing in a field. Which one is on holiday?










A. The one with the wee calf.

[The Gs Man]

  Very good!!!