Corny One for Friday

[The Real Laoislad]

The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.


'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'












'No, the  gates'.

Not even in Heaven is there a decent one 

[Orior]

===================
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...
Dido must be sh*tting herself.
===================
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
===================
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
===================
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
===================
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
===================
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
===================
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs.
You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
===================
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.
She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
===================
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
===================
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
===================
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.
I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
===================
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.
You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
===================
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.
Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
===================
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
===================
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid."
So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
===================
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
===================
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
===================
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
===================
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
===================
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed."
I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

[illdecide]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

[illdecide]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor # 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[illdecide]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
   thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
   her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
   
   The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
   perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
   
   Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
   her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
   
   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
   in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
   what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   No response.
   
   So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
   wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   Still no response.
   
   Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
   wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   Again he gets no response.
   
   So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. 'Honey,
   what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
   
   So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
   
   
   (I just love this)
   
   'Ralph, for the FIFTH F***in' time, CHICKEN!'

[illdecide]

I think this may have been on before but just incase...

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.



He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on thebeach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up tothe shore.



In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'



She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'



'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash upwith you.



''Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat outof raw  material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gumtree  branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides andstern came  from a Eucalyptus tree.'



'But, where did you get the tools?'



Oh,that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.



I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.



I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'



The guy is stunned.



'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.



As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.



While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, shesays  casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.Would you  like a drink?'



'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.



'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.



After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'



No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shellshoned to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.



'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'



Whenhe returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him tosit  down next to her.



'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...



He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....



'F**king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[Orior]

You forgot a few of the details there I'llDecide:

- His girlfriend fell overboard and the tide was washing her away, so he threw her a bar of soap so that the tide would wash her back.

- The sea was full of sharks, but she was okay cause they were only the man-eating ones.

- When she fell in she shouted back "drop me a line" and he replied "Whats your address"

[Orior]

Woman A "Did you get a new hat?"

Woman B "Yes, I was down in the dumps last week so i got it to cheer myself up"

Woman A "oh, so thats where you bought it"

[overdabar]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'  The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'  The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'  The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[illdecide]

Whats the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton...

One was assassinated and the other had his head blown off

[Orior]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'  The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'  The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'  The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

Ah the old Benny Hill jokes are the best 

[heganboy]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £21.40

[illdecide]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide.  'The
pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'  The lady
replied, 'I need it
to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll
throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the
pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.  You
didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[Orior]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

[illdecide]

You'll laugh at this one!


> Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
> married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
> conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
> lives.
>  After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> in some S&M role playing.
>  The following week they met up again to compare notes.
>
> Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
> the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
> leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it
> and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
> heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> right then and there!'
>  The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
> When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a
> black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
> turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to mov e up our
> wedding date!
> The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
> planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
> I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
> slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
> stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
> When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
> sat down and yelled,
>  'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''