Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome,
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying
on
his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,"
I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed
me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're
about
to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with
the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son
holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be
so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And
then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . I'm picturing
you
pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air
to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going
to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

[Candyman]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,  sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said,  "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[el_cuervo_fc]

They may be old but there's still a few you can laugh at, so here's a few good Chauvinist jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

>

> Marry It!

>
>

>

> What should you give a woman who has everything?

>

> A man to show her how to work it.

>

>

> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

>

> Put a nipple on it.



>

> Why do women fake orgasms ?

>

> Because they think men care.

>

>

> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

>

> Nothing, she's been told twice already.

>

>

> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

>

> Made her chain too long

>

>

>

> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

>

> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

>

> never be able to support you.

>

>

> Why do women have smaller feet than men?

>

> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand

> closer

>

> to the kitchen sink.

>

>

> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

>

> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

>

>

> How do you fix a woman's watch?

>

> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

>

>

> Why do men pass gas more than women?

>

> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

>

> pressure.

>

>

> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

> the

>

> front door, who do you let in first?

>

> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

>

>

> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

>

> A woman who won't do what she's told

>

>

>

> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive

> by

>

> 90%.

>

> It's called a Wedding Cake.

>

>

> Why do men die before their wives?

>

> They want to.

[illdecide]

I got most of these before only with "Little Johnny" as the title but they're still funny


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
 
  A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   
   
 
  She calls on little Ralphy.
  He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot.'
 
  The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
 
  Then little RALPHY say s, 'I have a question for YOU.
 
  There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 
  One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
  The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
   
  The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
  Which one is married?'
 
  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
 
  To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
   

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
  Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
 
  'Why?' asks the father?
 
  'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies
RALPHY.
 
  'But that's right!' says his dad.
 
  'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
 
  'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
 
  'That's what I said!'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
   
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?'
 
  RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
 
  Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a
mouthful.'
 
  Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob.'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
  All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
  He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
 
  Th e teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word
to use in this situation.
  The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
  Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I
will allow you to go.'
 
  Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an
eight, but if
  you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
   
 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
   
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.
 
  First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it.'
 
  'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
 
  'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.'
 
  She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little RALPHY........
 
  'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
   
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
   
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.
  After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
 
  Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old.'
 
  The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?'
  Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f.......
business.

[illdecide]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f...ing white man to be called Winston!"


I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2 - 3 pounds including the urn.


What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?


I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
I got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......


A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourette's syndrome! Now f..k off you c..t!"



A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says..

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F...ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"



I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "


What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

[illdecide]

Women's version:

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programmes such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

-----------------

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

---------------------------------

Men's version:

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and GirlFriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSxPlus and Cleanhouse 2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. Then they resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning launch TurboStrop and Multi-Winge. These latter products have no Help Files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all your Money before uninstalling itself!!!!!

[illdecide]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces
of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."

On e week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[Pietas]

A elderly man goes into a bar and orders four pints and four whiskey chasers
The barman puts the drinks in front of him and he sinks them, one after another, in seconds.
The barman says: 'Crikey! I have never seen someone drink so fast before.'
Elderly man says: 'You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have.'
'What have you got?' says the barman.
'A tenner' says the elderly man.

My wife is divorcing men on the grounds of casual appearance.
I haven't been home for five years.

[illdecide]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours". The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours". The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said,"About an hour and half.".
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill, tears in his eyes, said, "Your house."

[illdecide]

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE OF 2007...


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who
interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended

[illdecide]

Only in Ireland !!!!


Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it
is today!


A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been
£0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being
dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do
to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number
1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[gerrykeegan]

Did you hear Heath Ledger died from a drug overdose. Turns out he got addicted to crack whilst shooting Brokeback Mountain.

[illdecide]

          Life in a Mental Hospital
                                 
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie - what are you doing?"  Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."   "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.  Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

[illdecide]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.   

Well,  for example, the other day my wife and I  went to Taunton  and went into a shop. We were only in there  for about  5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a  parking ticket. We went up to   him and said, 'Come on man, how  about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued  writing  the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and  started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.


So my  wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put  it on  the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This  went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the  more tickets he  wrote.

Personally, we  didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our  age. 

[john mcgill]

Update on Cinderella

 
     
 
 




Cinderella  is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead  prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by  from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One  sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy  godmother.







Cinderella  said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these  years"? 

The  fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life  since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still  yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some  thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first  wish:



"The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to  mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond  comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The  fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you  want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail  body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I  once had."


At once,  her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.  Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for  years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have  one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella  looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you  to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his  biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so  beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 


The  fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new  life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the  fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few  eerie moments,

Bob and  Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella  sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she  had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat  transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young  muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with  his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you  cut my nuts off"