Messages

Agree Donagh with your nominations. I would also give Blair grudging credit for sticking at it (along with  Bertie, but no one else from the 26 counties) as no other British Prime Minister would have done, in my opinion, and the late Mo Mowlam got the ball rolling as well. Find it hard to think of anyone on the unionist side (Trimble's nobel Peace Prize which bought him a house in London was a joke), worthy of credit, with the possible exception of the late David Ervine.

You know you're a Rangers supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after
saying: "Hey, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

9. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

10. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

14. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

16. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Rangers

MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM


NAME................................................................................(
2 mistakes allowed )

NAME................................................................................(
2nd chance )

ADDRESS...

(this means what is the name of the street your house is in and what is your house number.

If unsure of either - check the phone book for details but look under your own name or you will get it
wrong.)

If address unknown - put a tick here:..............

DATE OF BIRTH......................................

(What day does everybody sing happy birthday to you?)

AGE.................

(How many years have they been singing it to you?)

MOTHER'S
NAME.....................................................(Mum
will NOT do. What is her REAL name?)

FATHER'S NAME ( if known
).....................................................................(
NO SWEARING )

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? YES / NO

IS IT YOURS? YES / NO

REGISTRATION
NUMBER..................................(found on the piece of tin hanging from the bumper bar)

DO YOU HAVE A DRIVERS LICENCE? YES / NO

IS IT YOURS? YES / NO

ARE YOU WEARING RANGERS CLOTHING ON LICENCE PHOTO? YES / NO

COULD YOU DRIVE PLAYERS, MATCH COMMITTEE OR OTHER SUPPORTERS TO:

A) HOME GAMES YES / NO

B) AWAY GAMES (to keep costs down) YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE A WASHING MACHINE? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE PREPARED TO HELP WASH OUR TEAM FOOTY GEAR? YES / NO

(tick
which........socks....shorts....strips....jockstraps....hankie
s....bandages .... )

DO YOU OWN A BEACH SHACK YES / NO

COULD WE USE IT FOR THE PLAYERS "END OF SEASON TRIP?"
YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN? YES / NO

ARE THEY YOURS? YES / NO

WOULD ANY OF THEM BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOR THE RANGERS? YES / NO

A) BOYS YES / NO

B) GIRLS YES / NO

HOW OLD ARE THEY? 1 - 10, 11 - 20, 21 - 30, 31 - 40, or don't know?

DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE FOOTBALL TROPHIES (no name tags
) THAT YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO DONATE TO THE CLUB FOR OUR TROPHY CABINET? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN ATTENDING OUR END OF SEASON DINNER? YES / NO

COULD YOU BRING ANYTHING ALONG ON THE NIGHT?

(e.g. fairy bread, party pies, cordial, plastic cups,
jelly) YES / NO

ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO LEAD OUR SUPPORTERS IN PRAYER:

a) BEFORE HOME GAMES? YES / NO

b) BEFORE AWAY GAMES? YES / NO

c) BEFORE WE PLAY CELTIC? YES / NO

d) START TO FINISH OF A CELTIC GAME? YES /NO

PART TWO - I.Q TEST

1) PICK THE TV SHOW (circle the right name from the clues given )

BLANKETY______________ Cheque / Blanket / Blanks / Donation / don't know

I DREAM OF_____________ a premiership / Nakamura / Jeannie / having money / don't know

STAR TREK, THE NEXT____ Footy Show / SPL team / Generation / don't know

GET_____________________ Gordon Strachan / Lost / rid of Smith / Smart / don't know

HEY HEY IT'S ___________ a Premiership / smoko / Saturday / another defeat / don't know

WHO WANTS TO BE _____ a Millionaire / a Rangers member / stupid / Filip Sebo / don't know

2) PICK THE ODD ONE OUT ( circle the odd one from the lists below )

FEBRUARY 30th / MAY 38th / JUNE 40th / OCTOBER 33rd / APRIL 1st / don't know

SPOON / SOON / MOON / BOON / CHEESE / GOON / SWOON / don't know

A, B, C, D, 4, E, F, G, H, I, don't know

3) WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE?

"I THINKS BEARS IS THE BESTEST TEAM IN GLESGA"

IS IT:

a) BAD SPELING

b) BAD GRAMMA

c) BAD GRANDMA

d) DON'T KNOW




To find out if your membership application has been successful, please put a stamp on both sides of an envelope and leave one side blank. We will advise you by return mail.




BONUS: Please list in order your preferred complimentary Rangers Membership Surgery that comes with every successful membership application. We will try to allocate you a bed in an appropriate hospital, as one becomes available.

a) MOUTH ENLARGEMENT. b) ONE EYE REMOVED.( left or right ) c) BRAIN REMOVED

GOOD LUCK

Another facile three points last night and surely another realistic six in the bag, given that our last two fixtures are at home to Blackburn Rovers and Man City, which will see us clinch 5th place and UEFA Cup qualification via a league placing for the second year in succession.

Another great season, but it could and should have been even better, with a place at least in either or both the Carling Cup and UEFA Cup Finals spurned

It is with genuine sadness that I have to report the clearly audible and frequent renditions of the "Billy Boys" at last Saturday's IFA Cup Final. The disappointment was compounded by the fact that this did not rate even a mentionin the local media in the aftermath  of the game. Surely if the IFA is genuinely keen to eradicate sectarianism, it must now sanction the Linfield club in the same fashion that UEFA has recently sanctioned Rangers, for their fans similar sectarian singing.

With all due respect to those who are genuinely trying to solve this problem, it once again highlights the folly of having award ceremonies. These in my opinion are premature in the extreme

In actual fact this game should be of interest to gaels in general due to the involvement of the likes of Ryan Mc Cluskey (Fermanagh) and Mark Mc Allister from my own club Portadown Tir Na Nog who featured for two seasons in the Armagh Minor squad.

Dungannon are also managed by my good friend Harry Fay, who I've bumped into at Armagh games as well.

Of course Linfield are favourites but I well remember the day they were beaten in the Irish Cup Final by Carrick Rangers (who were then as now, a B Division Club) so a Dungannon win is not entirely out of the question, and they have drawn with Linfield in the league at Windsor Park this year already

Apparently 20/1 against is the best you can get with Paddy on this scenario now.

Now I reckon that if we all placed a pile on this, and each of us could persuade 100 unionists to vote accordingly (with a little financial sweetener of course) on the big day, we could all make a stash (I was going to say killing, but this would be highly inappropriate)

Its brilliant to have somebody to support in the Final, due to the fact that its not between two sets of Shitebags from NW England.

I hope Milan hammer the scousers.Lets face it, if they play with the same power and commitment (as epitomised by Gattuso last night) they will, (Man Ure are a better team that Liverpool after all) and with the scent of revenge in their nostrils the scousers could be in for the mother of all tankings. Hope Maldini makes it as well, as it surely must be his last. He is up there with Puskas, Di Stefano, as one of the true European legends

PS With AC Milan easily accounting for Man Ure (unlike the extra time scenario they needed to beat Celtic), and Celtic effectively winning the two legged affair with Man Ure in the qualifiers, does that make Celtic a better team than Man Ure.

I only realised this morning that this stands for "Almost In Greece" 

Someone should enlighten them that with a history that includes Heysel 1985 and Hillsborough 1989, there are not too many prospective buyers about.

Meanwhile it looks like we will have to suffer the Mancs giving the Scousers an additional beating this year (on top of the customary annual league double and the occasional FA Cup and League Cup as well) in the Champions League Final, though I am still praying that the trophy ends up in the home of the best team left in the competition - Milan

Craigavon (the area not the hospital) is full of corpses...they just haven't got round to burying them yet

Lads, check out the June edition of Four Four Two Page 126 and the Barmy Flags display. It shows a NI Supporters flag, marked Glengormley with the Glasgow Rangers badge on the top left segment and the IFA in the top right.

Is this the kind of image we want, linking our national team with Rangers

An idyllic spot of peace and tranquility. I often go there of an evening for a stroll with my wife. She even dragged me to the bloody flower festival there last year.

To set the record straight this is me, as Stew and O'Neill will and have confirmed. I don't have a regular seat at Croker but do more times than not get free tickets including Premiums, for GAA Fixtures. The OWC thread will confirm the meeting took place.

I am always willing to oblige and grant a personal audience to those keen to meet me and who go out of their way to do so.It is such devoted fans that have got me to where I am to-day

It looks most likely that I will be watching Espanyol and Osasuna in the UEFA Cup Final next month.

What has happened in Bavaria?

Ah all you who scoff! This meeting did in fact take place and the upshot of it all allows me to revert to doing what I do best...directing my ire exclusively in the direction of everyone and anything to do with Tyrone.