You know what really grinds my gears?

[Tony Baloney]

The description of clothes on the Debenhams website. Seen this shite whilst looking at a coat... A coat for wearing on the go, as opposed to wearing whilst lying in bed. It also comes with two pockets which, in case you aren't sure, you can use to keep your hands warm or even store things in! f**k off Debenhams.

This grey Jeff Banks car coat is made with a wonderfully warm wool blended with cashmere for ultra comfort and softness. The coat features a stylish funnel neck complete with ribbed inner collar for extra insulation. The coat is designed in a tasteful clean lined contemporary style ideal for wearing on the go. Two deep pockets offer hand warmth and simple storage whilst the wind guard covered zip fastening down the front gives added protection.

I stopped there, I dont even know what that means.

Exactly, if it looks nice, fits me and is the right price then I'll buy it. All the other crap is... well, crap.

[AFS]

People that try to censor themselves on the internet.

Worse still are people that try to censor themselves, but f**k it up by adding too many asterisks, ending up with something like this 'f***ker'.

c***ts.

I didn't even do that.

That's pretty inexcusable. Silly c***ts.

[DoYerJob Linesman]

W*KERS

[Square Ball]

Boxs/tins of sweets/biscuts that have tbe discription of the contents on the underside of the tin, really annoying

[Archie Mitchell]

That bastard at Portsmouth with the bell. You'd be raging if your season ticket was in close proximity to him.

[thebigfella]

That b**tard at Portsmouth with the bell. You'd be raging if your season ticket was in close proximity to him.

That puke with the drum, the other sickener with the long curly hair and the stupid jacket with the badges on it need shot. I hate the way the TV cameras cut to them as if their some sort of characters (BBC are the worst) that we are all interested in. I never watch any games with Portsmouth playing in now because of those pair of c*nts.

Hope Portsmouth go bust, they'll not be fond of their drum and that poxy jacket then; sickening fcukers the pair of them.

[pintsofguinness]

been out shopping with the house mate *pauses to take ten deep breaths*
*beats the life out of a pillow* 
*ten more deep breaths*
*eats some mini eggs*
but I'm not going to complain about that.

My complaint is against the "men" who help their women pick clothes! Have yous seen these tubes?! Admittedly I think it's more of an English thing but I'm walking around after herself through the women's clothes with a face on me (apparently) looking at my watch or playing the phone saying everything is lovely and agreeing that the sizes are all wrong and there's no way that's a size 14 and then you've got these idiots who are helping!!! They're helping to get the right size, advising on colours and all other nonsense!!
WHAT IS THEIR STORY?

When I take one yawn too many and our inevitable row happens I always get it threw at me "I see other men helping their wives and girlfirends".  ffs

[muppet]

been out shopping with the house mate *pauses to take ten deep breaths*
*beats the life out of a pillow* 
*ten more deep breaths*
*eats some mini eggs*
but I'm not going to complain about that.

My complaint is against the "men" who help their women pick clothes! Have yous seen these tubes?! Admittedly I think it's more of an English thing but I'm walking around after herself through the women's clothes with a face on me (apparently) looking at my watch or playing the phone saying everything is lovely and agreeing that the sizes are all wrong and there's no way that's a size 14 and then you've got these idiots who are helping!!! They're helping to get the right size, advising on colours and all other nonsense!!
WHAT IS THEIR STORY?

When I take one yawn too many and our inevitable row happens I always get it threw at me "I see other men helping their wives and girlfirends".  ffs

Here's how it works.

You can say 'no it doesn't suit you' only twice before you say 'yes that's definitely the one' and then you're off home/pub. However you need to be very observant.

At the start say nothing.
When you have wasted a good hour or so then throw in the two 'no it doesn't suit you' lines no matter what the fcuk she is looking at.
Then bring her back to something you saw her look at earlier and pronounce loudly 'yes that's definitely the one'. It is important that all round you hear this.
This has to be right though (otherwise you are completely fcuked) so it helps if you know she has already looked at it and liked it (even better if a friend of hers mentions she saw it on a previous shopping waste of time trip), so pay attention.
If she remotely likes the whatever the fcuk it is, she will happily buy it and will also be happy that her wonderful partner picked it. She will feel even better that her fella showed up the other sad saps who potter around after their women looking like Brian Cowen after sharing a bed with Jackie Healy Rae.   

If done correctly this can seriously reduce time wasted on shopping and get brownie points.

[pintsofguinness]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

[muppet]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

Saves time in the long run though. You didn't think they were genuinely interested did you?

[pintsofguinness]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

Saves time in the long run though. You didn't think they were genuinely interested did you?

Well they're bloody good actors if they aren't! I might have to try out your theory though I think she might be a bit suspicious if after 6 years of moaning and complaining about shopping I suddenly become interested.

[muppet]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

Saves time in the long run though. You didn't think they were genuinely interested did you?

Well they're bloody good actors if they aren't! I might have to try out your theory though I think she might be a bit suspicious if after 6 years of moaning and complaining about shopping I suddenly become interested.

Let us know how you get on.

[gerrykeegan]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

Saves time in the long run though. You didn't think they were genuinely interested did you?

Well they're bloody good actors if they aren't! I might have to try out your theory though I think she might be a bit suspicious if after 6 years of moaning and complaining about shopping I suddenly become interested.

Let us know how you get on.

I hate shopping. I have never shopped with the wife for her clothes. Now granted I am not the most patient man but somewhere along the line the wife obviously said to herself "self dont bring him shopping its not worth it" Deal with it early on and you will never have trouble, accommodate the whole shopping concept at the start and you are fucked.
Edit: Women love shopping, its a hobby, I love golf, its a hobby, I dont ask the wife to come golfing, she doesnt ask me to come shopping, why ruin your hobbies.

[Donnellys Hollow]

Snow, sleet, ice, frost, slush, freezing fog, fog-lights, idiots panic buying rations in the shops (you'd swear World War III was about to break out judging by the behaviour in the supermarkets today)

[pintsofguinness]

Is that what these ponces are doing?! I knew they were up to something! It sounds like an awful lot of work!

Saves time in the long run though. You didn't think they were genuinely interested did you?

Well they're bloody good actors if they aren't! I might have to try out your theory though I think she might be a bit suspicious if after 6 years of moaning and complaining about shopping I suddenly become interested.

Let us know how you get on.

I hate shopping. I have never shopped with the wife for her clothes. Now granted I am not the most patient man but somewhere along the line the wife obviously said to herself "self dont bring him shopping its not worth it" Deal with it early on and you will never have trouble, accommodate the whole shopping concept at the start and you are fucked.

Almost every time we go shopping I get promised she's never "asking" me again. And it's not that I go shopping with her for her clothes, I just agree or suggest to go out for a walk to the shops (we live very close) and warn I ain't going around women's clothes shops but it turns out that a hour later I'm standing outside female changing rooms, hands ripped off me with bags, possibily holding a handbag, in the dog house with all these other bastards showing me up!