Corny One for Friday

[ardal]

A Glasgow policeman spots a drunk South African dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

What's the situation?
- A darkie is dancing on a car roof.

You can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.

Wouldn't it be something like Delta.... Alpha.....romeo....

Can't work out what ZTS means

[under the bar]

You can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.

Wouldn't it be something like Delta.... Alpha.....romeo....

Can't work out what ZTS means

As Ted might say,  "Think that one over again Dougal"  lol 

[illdecide]

A man phones his wife from hospital and told her that his finger has been cut off in an accident at work. "Ohh my God" cried the wife, "The whole finger". "No" he said, "the one next to it"!.

[5 Sams]

A Yank in a pub in Temple Bar last Saturday evening asks the bar man, "My wife and I would like to go for a drink where there are no cheering rugby fans. Can you recommend somewhere sir?

Without taking his eye of the match the barman says, "Try London bud."

[All of a Sludden]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[gallsman]

[Orior]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....  'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  No way I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just picking daisies."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.  He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[Joxer]

Did you hear Andy Gray and Richard Keys are now stationed in Belmullet?

[Onion Bag]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.   

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[Maguire01]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.
The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader: "Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

[Lar Naparka]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.
The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader: "Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"

[Overthebar!]

I know its only Monday but this made me laugh:

http://twitpic.com/4fei3w/full

[laoislad]

A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"

Best joke on here in a long while

[5 Sams]

A young girl is in hospital giving birth to twins. Things don't go well with the delivery and she's in danger of dying so her nearest relative, a brother, is sent for. he's not the brightest.
As she is lying in the bed with the little boy and girl in her arms, she turns to him and implores him to make sure the babies are baptised.
He asks her what names to call them but she is fast losing consciousness and can't reply.
Brother sees to the baptism and pickes the names for the children.
Time passes and the mother starts to make a recovery.
First time the brother is allowed in to see her, she wanted to know what her children were named.
"I called her Denise," sez yer man pointing to the little girl.
"That's a lovely name. Tell me what name did you give the boy?"
"Well, I picked his name the same way I picked the girl''s one. He is Danephew!"

Best joke on here in a long while

...and one of the oldest

[Onion Bag]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that - 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?, "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, he's one of us.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.