Corny One for Friday

[tbrick18]

In light of recent events, Elton John has re-released one of his classics aptly named.....


Sandle in the Bin.

[Orior]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?
'I am having trouble finding the net'
Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir... 
'Yes. It's Fernando Torres'

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please." The barman says, "That's not like you."

I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies. They're called knee-grows

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says "That's not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

A young Arab asks his father: -  What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford?

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, my dinner or sex once since the first beating.

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive... shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call... done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn't sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it's an old sh!thouse door off a fishin' boat!

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.. it was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said that wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Fernando Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

[heganboy]

where did you get those 1975?

[Orior]

During World War II, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover.

When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside.

"Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England."

"I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done."

So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news.

"Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?"

"Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?"

"Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before.

One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major.

"Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..."

"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."

The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England.

This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot.

"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct."

"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well."

"And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"

"Correct again," replied the Major.

"Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer.

"Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape, are you?"

[Orior]

Philosophy of sex "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." –Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

[Harold Disgracey]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

[All of a Sludden]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking regularly.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.


He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.


This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

[5 Sams]

In the toilet of McBrides pub, 3 men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.

The 1st guy finished, an American, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...right up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next man finished, an Englishman, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Oxford and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The last man, Pat from Tyrone, zipped up, and as he was walking out the
door said, "I graduated from the University of Life.. me oul doll taught me not to piss on me hands."

[Groucho]

A guy spots a hot looking girl across the room at the local disco......he walks up to her and says "you remind me of my wee toe".......she replies "is it because I'm small and cute?"

.....he says..."No....It's because I'm going to bang you on the coffee table tonight!"

[Puckoon]

Young teenager asks his grandmother "Have you seen my bottle of pills - its marked LSD" Granmother replies - "Forget the pills - have you seen the fuckin' dragon in the kitchen"?!

[ThatsTheFootball]

It's all in the delivery, said the midwife to the courier....

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:please,
and one for the road."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

[southdown]

A doctor was preforming a prostate examination on me this morning.  I wasn't impressed with him at all, told him to pull his finger out

[highorlow]

As my suicidal teen daughter left for school this morning she said "Shit. I forgot to take my medicine this morning".

I said, "Is if for your face?"

She said, "Its for my low self-esteem dad"

I said. "....your not taking anything for your face?"

[Harold Disgracey]

Rebel forces in Libya want Gadaffi arrested and tried for war crimes. Others say this not strong enough punishment & want him made referee a Tyrone ladies game.

[RealSpiritof98]

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly collapsed and died.......

The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here....

The husband said 'ship her home'. The undertaker said ''But sir why don't you bury her in the holy Land and save the money''........

The husband said '' a long time ago and man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....  I cant take the f**king chance''