Corny One for Friday

ziggysego · February 09, 2011, 01:04:24 AM

Quote from: Orior on February 09, 2011, 12:46:21 AM
Are YOU insured for sex?

SEX with your wife - legal & general
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry - Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend - standard life
SEX with a transvestite - confused.com
SEX with some one different - go compare.com
SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat.com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a posh bird - privilege.com
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

Are you coming out of the closet?

Fear ón Srath Bán · February 09, 2011, 10:50:42 AM

Franchise Opportunity ( Might be a good investment.)

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats!

It's doing really well............................

He says the Prophets are going through the roof.

All of a Sludden · February 09, 2011, 01:53:09 PM

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Turf Wars · February 10, 2011, 04:42:13 AM

Young Boy: 'Dad, is 'knickers' a curse'?

Dad: 'No, but tights are'.

illdecide · February 11, 2011, 02:53:24 PM

This is some womens idea of a joke

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

illdecide · February 11, 2011, 03:22:23 PM

I was late for work the other day and was speeding down the motorway, when i got caught by a traffic cop on the bridge with a speed gun "any reason for going so fast?" "i'm late for work" i said. "what do you do for a living" he asked. "I'm an ass stretcher" i said. "an ass stretcher" he asked confused. "Yes officer, i use stretching equipment to stretch an ass, i open the ass a few inches at a time until the ass is 6ft wide" looking somewhat confused he asked! "What the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole?" I replied"give him a speed gun and stick him on a bridge".

illdecide · February 11, 2011, 04:45:41 PM

The grim reaper came for me last night and i beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...talk about DYSON with death..

All of a Sludden · February 13, 2011, 06:46:50 PM

Sent a text to this woman I picked up last night, it read:-
I was going to tell you a joke about my c*ck, but it's too long."
She replied:-
That's strange, I was going to send you a joke about my f*nny, but you won't get it."

All of a Sludden · February 13, 2011, 06:49:43 PM

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Swede, a Pole, an American, a Frenchman, a German, a Chinaman, a Japanese man, an Australian, a Kiwi, a Dutchman, a Russian, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Belgian, a Somalian, a Ugandan, a Spaniard, a Latvian, a Brazilian, an Indian, a Pakistani, a Norwegian, a Lithuanian and a Hungarian all walk into a restaurant.

The manager says, "Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."

illdecide · February 14, 2011, 12:10:53 PM

An old one to set of Valentines day...

Booked a table for Valentines night for me and the wife...i can see it ending in tears though...She's fecking hopeless at snooker!

All of a Sludden · February 15, 2011, 03:49:53 PM

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Astra van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out:
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity obviously did not have any whips to hand,
but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona
until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Fred, let alone that she allowed the kinky bugger to whip her, eventually admits that,
"Yes", she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

illdecide · February 15, 2011, 03:59:17 PM

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed...i didn't mind too much until i found out she was faking them!!!

illdecide · February 15, 2011, 04:11:38 PM

The man at the bar looks into his pint and sighs heavily, "what's up Dave?" asks the landlord, "it's not like you too be so down in the mouth". "It's my four year old son, the little bastard has got our 17 year old neighbour pregnant". "Get away, thats impossible" says the landlord, "it's not" says Dave. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms"!!!.

Bud Wiser · February 18, 2011, 08:26:54 AM

I told the story before about the man down the road here who was reffing a hurling match one night and there was no net and there was confusion as to whether it was a goal or a pint. When the captain of the team that scored asked what he gave he said "two points" as it was the fairest.

Well yesterday we were talking about him and this man was saying that he played full back for a long time for the football team and one day this fella was marking him and at the start he gave John a bit of a shove and says to him "I'll be getting a penalty off you today" and then a few more minutes later he says the same thing, "I'll be getting a penalty off you today" and John sez --
"You might get a penalty off me but I will guarantee you one thing, if you do you won't ge foooking taking it"

illdecide · February 18, 2011, 03:56:00 PM

The International Council of Man Laws feels there may be a necessity to refresh men of certain laws.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is okay for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model. And only when it's free.
11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.
15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.
18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation - end of story.
23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24. Never wear a man bag to work.
25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
a. GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys and being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to say: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
b. BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Man Laws