Got this by email today - very good.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to a bar to celebrate.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have 1 Cow, she runs the HSE!
AN ARMAGH CORPORATION
You have one cow.
You will only ever have one cow.
A TYRONE CORPORATION
You have three cows.
They keep falling down for no reason.
The more they fall down, the more cows you seem to get.
A DUBLIN CORPORATION
What's a cow?
We'll have fun with this yet.
A DONEGAL CORPOARATION
You have two cows.
One was promised to be milked first.
Without notice the second was then promised to be milked first.
The first cow is taking their unjust treatment to the milk marketing board.
The farmer doesnt know what a cow is!
A KERRY CORPORATION
They own most of the cows ever produced in the world apart from the ones stolen by other corporations while they were asleep.
They will probably take possession of most of the cows produced in the foreseeable future.
A DOWN CORPORATION
They staged their own version of the Táin Bó Cuailnge at the start of the 60s only in reverse and subsequently stole 5 cows from those pesky southerners.
They havent had one of the those cows since 1994 but they will talk about them forever.
A MAYO CORPORATION
You have many calves.
They grow up to be cows.
They never give any milk.
A KILDARE CORPORATION
You have many horses.
You have little experience of cows.
You send for managers with experience of cows.
DUBLIN CORPORATION (1970s)
You put a Heifer in charge, but it takes no bull.
A MEATH CORPORATION
You have had 4 cows in 25 years
They tr**p the shite out of the grass and then crap all over it.
Thankfully they can dine out on the silage from the 90s
A DONEGAL CORPORATION
You have 15 prize cows.
No one can find them as they are out on the rip.
A DERRY CORPORATION
All the cows are gone
You have an abundance of Donkeys.
Cork -
You have 2 Cows, they decide not to produce milk until they get to pick their own farmer.
Offaly -
You have two cows. One for milk and the other for beef. Niether are of much use.
Dublin-
You have two cows, both have been clamped. You pay for their release. Both have been stolen.
Roscommon -
You have two cows, they think they are sheep.
Derry -
You have two cows, they fight for control of the field. You have them slaughtered.
That's very funny Zap ;D
The Antrim Corperation
You have 2 cow's. One only gets out of the cowshed for one day a year. The other gets to play with the calves for most of the year before being put back into the shed before the summers over
Mayo -
You have three cows. You prepare a beautiful field for them. Your two best cows emigrate. You are waiting until your cows come home.
Quote from: stephenite on December 04, 2008, 09:21:26 PM
That's very funny Zap ;D
:D ;)
Meath-
You have one cow. Your worship it. You build a shrine to it. You build a road through the shrine.
Tipp-
You have two cows. You sell the milk to premier daires. They sell it back to you neighbour at five times the price. Your neighbour thinks you are rich.
Armagh-
Cows with guns.
Kerry-
You have one cow and a dolphin. Your not sure which is which.
Ballinderry Corporation
You have two cows. One cow walks past the other and bangs into its ass. The other cow lies down and holds his face in hope that the farmer will shoot the other cow.
Derry Corporation
You have two cows. You give one cow what they want until it stops producing milk. The other cow permanently gets ignored.
Tyrone Corporation
You have three cows. The way the farmer goes on you'd think he had 23 cows.
Armagh Corporation
You have calves, they arent as important as cows, you had one cow but that was a while ago. You cannot get your hands on any more cows.
Limerick Corporation
You had two cows. One of them stabbed the other. Now you have one cow.
Wexford Corporation
You have 2 cows, one always better than the other, it comes down with mastitis but the other ups its produce
Kilkenny Corporation
You have one cow, it feeds the county
unionist cows
we are actually members of the giraffe family not cows
Quoteunionist cows
we are actually members of the giraffe family not cows
or ostrich family maybe.
Quote from: armaghniac on December 05, 2008, 05:09:04 PM
Quoteunionist cows
we are actually members of the giraffe family not cows
or ostrich family maybe.
Was thinkin that myself!!
Dublin cow
You have two cows,One gets impregnated by a bull the cow isn't sure which bull..
The only future the other cow has is in Burger King...
Quote from: The Real Laoislad on December 05, 2008, 05:27:27 PM
Dublin cow
You have two cows,One gets impregnated by a bull the cow isn't sure which bull..
The only future the other cow has is in Burger King...
:D quality!
Offaly Cows
You have two cows.
One is jealous of the Laois cows because its a long time since the Offaly cows have beaten the Laois cows in the annual milk producing contest
The other is a Laois cow who has crossed the border to laugh at the Offaly cow
South Armagh Cow
You have two cows. You milk both, dye the milk black and sell it as Guinness and buy a big jeep with the proceeds.
Quote from: bingobus on December 05, 2008, 05:46:18 PM
South Armagh Cow
You have two cows. You milk both, dye the milk black and sell it as Guinness and buy a big jeep with the proceeds.
:D aww jesus some quality answers here! Thats my favourite so far.
Liverpool Cow: Had cows years ago but forget what they look like. This is def the year the cow comes home but ::)
Manchester Cow: Full Heard, lost count of how many recent cows.. :D
CAVAN
Sure cows are fierce expensive, why not just drink water!
LOUTH
We have the best livestock and we'll fight for it.
Gaaboard corporation:
2496 cows.
Some are young, some are old
Some are full of bull and some are bold
There's a few full of shite, no matter how much of it they get rid off on a daily basis
The farmer keeps putting the mad one in quarantine.
QuoteThe farmer keeps putting the mad one in quarantine.
That would be a "hard station" to put up with.
GPA-
You have a small percentage of cows. You teach them to act like sheep in the summer and turkeys in the winter.
OWC corportation
Your cows have repetitive strain injury from constantly looking over their shoulders and fear attack from the cows in the other field
(They look the same but the moo kinda different and that scares them).
The farmer makes a fortune charging each of them 5 quid to stand in windsor field while the cows across the hedge stand in the nicest field in the land.
Nordie Cows..
Wrongly believe they are the prime species of cow,they also like to be the most heard animal on the farm.
Nordie cows shit doesn't smell either or so they believe...
The ya have the West Belfast Cows
One gets pregers by the "bull"shiter from poleglass but is too stoned to work out how it happened as he was joyriding in the back of the trailer at the time.
Then the other cow that's always walking around the field in her spotty pyjamas
Quote from: milltown row on December 05, 2008, 08:30:18 PM
The ya have the West Belfast Cows
One gets pregers by the “bull”shiter from poleglass but is too stoned to work out how it happened as he was joyriding in the back of the trailer at the time.
Then the other cow that’s always walking around the field in her spotty pyjamas
And the bull swaggering round the field with a ring (sovereign) in his nose and a bit of dark hair over his top lip.
FREESTATE
These cows continue to stuff their faces on grass while other members of the herd are attacked by wolves.
Roscommon cow s the farmer brings the cow s up north to have them in good shape for the summer marts. a few of the cows seem to develop mad cow diasase and go mad at night and wreck the slatted house and it make s the front page of the farmers journal . The dublin farmer has enough so a cute mayo farmer see s that the headage payments are good and then goes on to make mince meat of the cows
Cowenomics.
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour to use a a downpayment on the your other cow.
You have two cows. You eat one and sell the other two.
Quote from: armaghniac on December 05, 2008, 08:44:46 PM
FREESTATE
These cows continue to stuff their faces on grass while other members of the herd are attacked by wolves.
Can wolves even attack a cow? Surely a cow is too big?
Quote from: Gnevin on February 20, 2009, 02:20:15 PM
Quote from: armaghniac on December 05, 2008, 08:44:46 PM
FREESTATE
These cows continue to stuff their faces on grass while other members of the herd are attacked by wolves.
Can wolves even attack a cow? Surely a cow is too big?
:D
SOunds like one for the Myth Busters!!
Anglo Irish Cow
You manage a herd, when the owners come around ecery 6 months to look at it you borrow a rake of cows for the day to give the impression that you haven't lost them all.
Superb :D :D :D :D
Dublin Cows
They have over a million cows. Their most famous is the Red Cow. The whole country hates the Dublin Cows. The dub cows themselves hate the Red Cow.
The Antrim Cows
Like the Dublin cows, there are a lot of them. Though only spotted once a year they can produce vast smelly amounts of shite.
Fermanagh cows
You have no prize winning cows. You have never had a prize winning cow. All the other farmers around you have had prize winning cows. Its not fair. You have some bullocks for breeding but none of them can get it up and over. However, in your defence, half your field is covered in a big puddle and the other half is inhabited by goats. The goats don't like the cows. However, they have started to breed with them.
Dromore cows
You have a few good cows who have won prizes. One of your cows is one of the best cows in Ireland. However, when you put this cow in a field with another farmer's cow he kicks the other cows in their teats. None of the other farmers like this cow but you are blinded because he's your cow and helps you win prizes
Fintona cows
You have cows for beef and cows for milking and cows for beef and milking. You don't like your cows being for beef and milking. You don't milk these cows any more. These cows are your best cows but they find a hole in the ditch and head to another field and another farmer. The remaining cows never win any more prizes.
Errigal Ciaran cows
All the farmers are Hindus. They have one cow they worship and they call it God. This cow now makes a lot of money from media appearances and cow events throughout the country
Fianna Fáil Cow
First there is you and your cow.
One day you get drunk & wake up with a tiger.
It's great until you realise the tiger has eaten the cow.
There is now just the 2 of you and he is hungry again.
PD Cow
You have one cow.
You give half your farm away for nothing and hire staff for it.
To pay for this you fire your vet.
The cow is dying but you stick with the plan.
FG Cow
You have one cow. It gives some milk.
Everyone says it isn't a real cow.
No one likes your cow.
Labour Cow
You have one cow for the moment.
You have no idea what to do with it.
Sinn Fein Cow
I have 1 cow.
Sinn Féin want it to run in Dublin North Central.
Green Cow
You have one Cow.
You milk it in the morning, ride it to work and eat it in the evening.
You don't last long.
Quote from: Caid on February 20, 2009, 08:45:04 PM
Fermanagh cows
You have no prize winning cows. You have never had a prize winning cow. All the other farmers around you have had prize winning cows. Its not fair. You have some bullocks for breeding but none of them can get it up and over. However, in your defence, half your field is covered in a big puddle and the other half is inhabited by goats. The goats don't like the cows. However, they have started to breed with them.
Dromore cows
You have a few good cows who have won prizes. One of your cows is one of the best cows in Ireland. However, when you put this cow in a field with another farmer's cow he kicks the other cows in their teats. None of the other farmers like this cow but you are blinded because he's your cow and helps you win prizes
Fintona cows
You have cows for beef and cows for milking and cows for beef and milking. You don't like your cows being for beef and milking. You don't milk these cows any more. These cows are your best cows but they find a hole in the ditch and head to another field and another farmer. The remaining cows never win any more prizes.
Errigal Ciaran cows
All the farmers are Hindus. They have one cow they worship and they call it God. This cow now makes a lot of money from media appearances and cow events throughout the country
:D :D :D
CORK
You have 2 cows which wont milk.
You are prepared to use calfs instead of greedy cows.
You are damn right.
DUBLIN
You have 2 cows.
You are always late to feed the cows as you'd rather watch the ducks across the road.
KERRY
You have 1 cow.
He has sore tits after they got a heavy fondle at the weekend.
MAYO
You have 2 cows.
They have plenty of milk but no bottle.
ROSCOMMON
You have 2 cows.
They like to run through the fields.
Naked.
DOWN
You have 2 cows.
You voted to let the butcher play with the cows again.
DERRY
You have 2 cows/L'cows.
ANTRIM
You have 2 cows.
Here's me wha.
FERMANAGH
You had 2 cows.
You sold them for magic beans.
There once was young Kerry bull, a chancer from Tyrone tried to milk him.
Quote from: armaghniac on February 20, 2009, 11:27:39 PM
There once was young Kerry bull, a chancer from Tyrone tried to milk him.
You can milk just about anything with nipples.