There's no crack here anymore

[muppet]

The tone of the board seems to reflect the mood of the times. We used to have good humour here in the good times.

ONeill
Registered User
Posts: 978
(5/4/06 22:38)

Reply   Re: All-Ireland short-joke telling competition

Geezer a beazer.

Kildare Times
4-4-06

Naas provided a fascinating backdrop to the All-Ireland Celebrity Joke Telling Gala last weekend in the heartland of the Lily-White folk. A plethora of horses sped past the arena that morning, resembling days of yore or something from For a Few Dollars More or the like. As with the Eurovision, the traditional standard has not been of a high quality at the joke-telling weekend in recent years though some may say therein lays the beauty of the contest. A look through the archives on the way down showed previous winners such as Willie Joe Padden, Mick O'Connell, Ray Silke, Peter Quinn, Barney Rock, Brian McEniff and Brian Stafford. This year's entrants meant that the unique standard would be maintained into 2006 – the 30th year of the competition. The trophy is named after that first winner, Pat Spillane who told the joke about the circus. Before the start it was revealed Pillar Caffrey had been replaced by Dessie Farrell and Ger Loughnane by Billy Morgan

39'003 crammed into the community arena despite safety fears emanating from the Leinster Board. However, as it was a field of 40 acres, their fears were unfounded. To a raucous chorus of boos, Dessie Farrell entered the arena drinking Lucozade Sport and bearing the legend GAP on his back, but everyone knew what he meant. Referee Geroid O'Cinneabhe sounded the commencement trumpet as the Dubliner cleared his throat for what he hoped would be a telling contribution that night. As the last boo was quelled, in a thick Jackeen brogue, looking downwards, he uttered:

"She says, 'To think I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.' He says 'You should've realised that when I asked you to marry me!' "

Unfortunately, Farrell made the mistake of laughing at his own joke before any reaction from the crowd. As with a red rag to the bull, the crowd began baying for the blood of the Dubliner. One section of the crowd, wearing Kilmacud jerseys, were actually in hysterics because of the joke and this was not lost on the rather embarrassed adjudicators. One on-looker managed to run past the stewards, sprinted up behind Farrell, and kicked him mightily up the arse, much to the mirth of the now confused crowd. A mixture of hatred, hilarity and fear gripped the auditorium as the fan was escorted out of the county in a Nissan Sunny Automatic. Farrell was awarded 6.

Next up was Mickey Moran, an Ulster man representing the western province. Refusing to acknowledge the mildly-clapping spectators, the tall beanpole marched towards the microphone and bellowed:

"The diner says, 'This meat has gone off – fetch me the head waiter'. The waiter replied 'He's gone off too sir. It's his half-day.' "

Astonishment reverberated around the field. Never had such a consistently inept standard graced the All-Ireland final. Moran knew it. He dropped his shoulders, apologised with a meek "sorry" and trudged off the arena in deathly silence. He hit a man on the way. He was awarded 3.

Bursting with confidence was Billy Morgan. He had witnessed two of his closest rivals completely bomb in front of a demanding audience. He new he had a clinker up his sleeve. He had tried out his joke on three family members the previous week. Two had to be admitted to Cork County Hospital with rib injuries due to laughing violently. The third died happily. Billy knew he had the title in the bag and had waged upwards of E200'000 on himself in Cashman's the previous day. Many of the crowd were onto the tip and his rapturous welcome reflected their confidence in the Cork great. Lifting a title with Spillane's name on it would be a wee bit of a bane, but he was willing to grin and bear it for a cool E1.5m in his pocket. However, disaster struck as the great Rebel cockily approached the stand. Just as he was about to take the mic, O'Cinneabhe, inexplicably at first, showed Morgan the red card. Bedlam ensued. Billy remonstrated vehemently with the Roscommon/Galway official as thousands of punters clung despairingly to their dockets. Geroid approached the mic and uttered "Under rule 7.342 of the All-Ireland Joke and/or Story Telling Association, Billy has committed a cardinal error, for it states; 'On commencing the joke/story one must not look directly at the crowd for fear of endearing oneself to the affections of the aforementioned congregation, be it a cheeky smile or/and a delectable wink forthwith'. I have no choice but to disallow Morgan's attempt."

Mayhem broke out. Thousands of fathers had waged their weekly allowance on Morgan's side-splitting joke. Chairs were sailing through the cold Naas air as Morgan's followers fisticuffed their way onto the podium. An all-out brawl between stewards and audience was still on-going when the final contestant, Kieran McGeeney strode his way into the field of play. He grabbed the mic, looking at his feet for fear of a similar disqualification and roared "Get back. Get back." The forcefulness of the Armagh man's convictions halted violent proceedings as the crowd waited for the next instructions from Geezer. Undaunted, the Mullaghbawn man said

"How do you kill a circus?"

As one the crowd retorted "dunno."

McGeeney, with a hint of a smirk replied,

"Go for the juggler"

Well, they say the 60s were the decade of mass love. If you'd been in Naas at 4.45pm last Saturday, you'd have though you went back in time 40 years. Laughs, hugs and a wee bit of riding ensued. Geezer was automatically handed the Spillane Cup. He not only saved the day. He reaffirmed our belief in the AIJT series.

Did O'Neill compose that? That is amazing!

It was his field.

[leenie]

how could anyone think there was no craic.... especially when we are graced with posts from lady gaa gaa....

my new favourite poster....

[Lady GAA GAA]

how could anyone think there was no craic.... especially when we are graced with posts from lady gaa gaa....

my new favourite poster....

Leenie i've got dirt on you so id advise you to keep schtum

[muppet]

how could anyone think there was no craic.... especially when we are graced with posts from lady gaa gaa....

my new favourite poster....

Leenie i've got dirt on you so id advise you to keep schtum

How 'bout some Iris style PMs?

[leenie]

how could anyone think there was no craic.... especially when we are graced with posts from lady gaa gaa....

my new favourite poster....

Leenie i've got dirt on you so id advise you to keep schtum

as does a good few others... .


ach it was a compliment...

[Lady GAA GAA]

how could anyone think there was no craic.... especially when we are graced with posts from lady gaa gaa....

my new favourite poster....

Leenie i've got dirt on you so id advise you to keep schtum

as does a good few others... .


ach it was a compliment...

Safe for now then pet.

[leenie]

phew , you had me worried.....

[illdecide]

phew , you had me worried.....

Leenie were you a bad girl in your day?

[ross4life]

time to post some joke here (minder NO)

during a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to.

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at
least one capital.

[Minder]

time to post some joke here (minder NO)

during a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to.

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at
least one capital.

Where is "Sacramen" the capital of ?

[ross4life]

check again i made the mistake of putting a space,

Sacramento! & it is the capital of the U.S. state of California

[ziggysego]

A'ight, for real but crack is a bad drug there is a high but also a low.

[Lady GAA GAA]

A'ight, for real but crack is a bad drug there is a high but also a low.

Bring back the real Ziggy

[ONeill]

It's a bit like running up behind someone you know in the street and greeting them with a slap on the head. 20 years ago it'd have been accepted. Now, you expect a letter from the solicitor and disapproving head gestures from the bystanders. A while ago I started a thread on the dog-throwing championships again and the first three replies were of a nature ('stop looking for attention' 'that's just crap') that meant I had to delete it as it was pointless continuing with it with the conversations going on between 2-3 of them. There's a few on here who have made it a wee bit sober. But, as expected, they're falling away.

[muppet]

It's a bit like running up behind someone you know in the street and greeting them with a slap on the head. 20 years ago it'd have been accepted. Now, you expect a letter from the solicitor and disapproving head gestures from the bystanders. A while ago I started a thread on the dog-throwing championships again and the first three replies were of a nature ('stop looking for attention' 'that's just crap') that meant I had to delete it as it was pointless continuing with it with the conversations going on between 2-3 of them. There's a few on here who have made it a wee bit sober. But, as expected, they're falling away.

You need a publicist.

Apparently everyone needs them these days.