Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

I'm pretty sure this is on before but saying it's Cheltenham week i'll post it again...


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to
see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,
holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

[Orior]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[ziggysego]

With The Simpsons going HD, they have a brand new title.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZGz1Ajg7QU

[Caid]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

[illdecide]

Eric and Tim are having gay sex. "I have Aids" says Eric, "What!" says Tim. "I don't really" says Eric. "I just like the way you tightened your arse when i said it"

[Orior]

Four men in a bar:-
A Yank
A Brit
A Russian
A Pakistani

Yank say's "I'm a CIA agent"
Brit says "I'm a MI5 agent"
Russian says " I'm a KGB agent"
Pakistani says "I'm a newsagent"

[Billys Boots]

TRUE STORIES FROM A&E

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a rat in her privates...' which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
 
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel   (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)!
causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.  (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
 
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.  He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.  Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all.   He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)
 
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??).  While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

[thejuice]

Thanks be t'jaysis its Friday, someone tell a joke.

[heganboy]

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are dirty women.

[illdecide]

Some ideas for your out of office messages


1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this
over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Peter.

[Orior]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pisses into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are'.

[Orior]

Actual notes from hospital charts
====================

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a week.

6. On the second day the knee felt better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly, also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1999.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 80-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

[illdecide]

WHY FORWARD PLANNING IS IMPORTANT:

One night 4 college students were drinking late into the night
and did  not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They first made themselves look as dirty as possible with grease and dirt.
They then went to the Dean and said that they had been to a
wedding  last night and on their return the tyre of their car had burst and
they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.
After hearing their explanation the Dean said they could re-sit
the test in 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a "Special Condition Test", all
four  students were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............... (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
( True story from IIT Bombay... 1992)

[Orior]

David Jason has got in trouble for telling this joke - hopefully Orior will escape unscathed...

Q. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?

A. Me hat, me coat.

[illdecide]

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "Its what your mother calls me". The boy yells, "it's a f**king ball bag don't eat it"