Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

> The Lone Ranger's
> Last Request
>
> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War
> Party.
>
>
>
> The Indian Chief proclaims,
> 
>
> "So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
>
>
>
> "In honor of the Harvest Festival,
> YOU will be executed in three days."
> "Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST
> request '
> The Lone Ranger responds,
> "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>
> The Chief nods and Silver is brought
> before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,  and the horse
> gallops away.
> Later that evening,  Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on 
> his back.
> As the Indian Chief watches,
> the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
> "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in
> two days."
> "What is your SECOND request "
>
>
> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
> to his horse.
> Silver is brought  to
> him,
> and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>  As before,  Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
> Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, 
> this time with a voluptuous brunette,  more attractive than the
> blonde.
>
> She enters the Lone Rangers tent
> and spends the night.
> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
> "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
>
>
> "What is your LAST request "
>
>
> The Lone Ranger responds,
> "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone."
>  The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
> Lone Ranger's tent.
>
>
>
> Once they're alone,
> the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye
> and says,
>
>
> Listen Very Carefully !!!!
> FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
> I SAID ...
>       
> "BRING  POSSE"

[ziggysego]

lol Brilliant!

[illdecide]

Dear Employees,
   
   Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
   
   Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme(Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
   
   Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
   any further by Management.
   
   Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
   
   Sincerely,
   The Management

[illdecide]

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides
because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight
attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly
and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the
hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want ? '


'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
Ryan air.

[illdecide]

In a recent survey in a magazine, women were asked "Is your c**t still sensitive 10 mins after sex?" 98% answered NO. "He's asleep"

[illdecide]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[gawa316]

Mary and Bridget are out in the fields digging up carrots, when Mary pulls out a massive one.

'Jaysus Bridget that reminds me me of my Mickey's boyo.'

'Really Mary. is it the length or the girth of it?'

'Neither, it's the feckin' dort of it!!'

[screenmachine]

***Now I understand this may offend a few so if you are easily offended look away now, I also apologise in advance. ***







What's pink and covered in cobwebs?
Madeliene McCann's bicycle.

[SidelineKick]

Screenmachine, prepare yourself for a lengthly ban.

MODDDDDDDDDDDS!!!!

[gerry]

    CATHOLIC HORSES 


    One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

    Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
  Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest hd blessed won the race.

    Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

    Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

    Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..

    True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.

     Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

    Confronting the old priest he demanded,  'Father! What happened?

    All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.    Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

    The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.

[gerry]

Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex.

It happens once every 4 years.

[Onion Bag]

There are two dyslexics in the kictchen,

One turns round to the other and says " Can you smell Gas?"

the other one says "Smell Gas? i cant even smell my own name"

[illdecide]

Golf Balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked;





"Does it hurt as  much as tennis elbow?"

[illdecide]

This ones for the women on the board (all 3 of them)


   



 

 

 

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?   

(because they are plugged into a genius)

--------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

-------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

--------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

--------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

-------------------------------------

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

--------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

--------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

--------------------------------------

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

-------------------------------------

And the personal favourite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

--------------------------------------

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'



'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'



He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ...'



And they say blondes are dumb...

------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'



The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'



'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

--------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A: A rumour

------- ------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN

--------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?



A: They are practising to be men.

--------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?



A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?



A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

--------------------------------------

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!  And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

 

 











 

 


 





 

 








 

________________________________________

[longrunsthefox]

An old lady turns to her son at the old folks home:

"Oh dear, she giggles, "I seem to have let out a

silent fart. What should I do?"

"Well", says her son, "I'd get a new battery for

your hearing aid."