Corny One for Friday

[gerry]

With Ronaldo on his way to Madrid, Sir Alex Ferguson has announced that he's looking for somebody to replace him. At a press conference he said, "I'm looking for an experienced attacker, someone who doesn't let stubborn defences stop him getting into the box".

Top of his list at the moment is John Leslie

[offtheground]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially  buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion,  surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan  outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a  limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one:
'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

[offtheground]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing!  In Germany , we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them  both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!...  We can take an
arsehole out of Scotland ,  put him in 10 Downing Street and have half
the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!

[Declan]

seen in the Daily Mirror last Saturday:

A RECOVERING drug addict who stole 120 packets of rashers replied "Galtee" when a judge asked him if he did it.

Graham Finlay made the quip in Tallaght District Court, Dublin, after Judge James McDonnell asked him to plea.

The court heard Finlay was caught on CCTV stuffing nearly EUR500 worth of bacon into his pockets in three separate Dublin supermarkets.

He said he ate some of his loot and sold the rest so he could fund his drug habit.

Finlay, from Knockmore in Tallaght, also pleaded guilty to stealing 24 shower gels worth EUR104.

Judge McDonnell sentenced him to six months in prison.

[the Deel Rover]

Dear John,

                 The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home only to find my husband making love to our neighbour. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but I don't know if I can trust him any more. What should I do?

Sincerely Frustrated.







Dear Frustrated,

                         A car stalling can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Check that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes on to the inlet manifold. Or it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

john

[corn02]

You know what time Andy Murray goes to bed at during Wimbledon?


.....


Tenish.


Coat on already.

[ziggysego]

and don't come back lol

[nic]

Paddy's wife is ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.

On arrival the nurse asks "Is she dilated?"

Paddy says "Jaysus, shes over the f**king moon!"

[gerry]

New football boots - 150 Pound.
New haircut - 50 Pound
Providing your family with luxury accommodation for 3 weeks - 3000 Pound

Losing the Euro 08 cup final, Champions League Final, Premier League final day show down, League cup final, Fa cup quarter final all in the same season... f**king priceless

There are some things money can't buy but for everything else there's Ballackcard.

[thewingedlady]

poor aul ballack, he lcame second in the german league, the german cup final and the CL final in the same season with bayer in 02. What a loser 

[5 Sams]

2008 Civil Service Exam

Welcome to this year's civil service exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
Flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work
Free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building)
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament.

MATHMATICS:
Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.
If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long have you had for lunch?
The answer of course is half an hour.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a) Can I help you, madam?
b) Can I help you, miss?
c) What can I do you for, mate?
d) How's tricks, doll-face
The correct answer is 'none of the above'.
This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:
a) We are looking into the matter
b) Can I get back to you on this one?
c) The matters have been referred to another committee
d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
The correct answer is 'you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension'

SPELLING:
Spell the following words:
a) Tea
b) Sickie
c) Lunchbreak
d) Go-slow

This is the end of the examination.
Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bull sh #t
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders – yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER = Wont make a decision
AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber
LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else

[5 Sams]

Ten Times in history when the 'F' word was almost appropriate:

#10 Scattered f**king showers, my ass! - Noah, 4314 BC

# 9 - How the f**k did I just work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC

# 8 - You want WHAT on the f**king CEILING? - Michelango, 1568

# 7 - Where did all those f**king Indians come from? - Custer, 1877

# 6 - It does f**king look like her! - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - Where the f**k are we? - Amelia Earhardt, 1937

# 4 - Any f**king idiot should understand that! - Einstein, 1938

# 3 - What the f**k was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

# 2 - I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in the head! - JFK, 1963

# 1 - Aw come on, who the f**k is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997

[Diet Coke]

Two middle aged ladies head to Jamacia on holiday to see if what they say about black men is true.

First night one of them picks up a 25 year old black stud and has the time of her life. At breakfast next morning she tells all to her

friend and she agrees to try him out later. she too is equally impressed. Needless to say they continue until they are ready to leave

at the airport they ask the guy his name, and he says "Sno", the two women burst out laughing, he says what are you laughing at?

They say" our husbands will never believe us when we tell them we were delighted to see 9 inches of sno in Jamacia!"

[The Real Laoislad]

A man is drinking in a bar when a thug comes up to him and smacks him one in the face and shouts "Thats KUNG F U from Japan"
The man is only getting up off the floor when the thug smacks him again and this time shouts "Thats KARATE from Korea".....
The man picks himself up off the ground and leaves the bar..
An hour later the same man walks back into the bar and walks up to the thug and smacks him...The man turns to the barman and says....
"When that **** wakes up tell him that was a f**king SHOVEL from Chadwicks"

[Orior]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"