Corny One for Friday

[ziggysego]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal).

        According to a news report, a certain private school in
        Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of

        12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom.

        That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
        Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
        Girls would put them back.
        Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. 
        She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
        Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing
        A major problem for the custodian who had to clean the Mirrors every
        Night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

        To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she

        Asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

         He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
         cleaned the mirror with it.


         Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

        There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[screenmachine]

News today that trips to Austria for stag weekends have nosedived since it emerged that Austrians really do lock up their daughters.

[Hurler on the Bitch]

Definition of an Austrian virgin? A girl who can run faster than her father!!!

[The Gs Man]

   Good one Ziggy.

[illdecide]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.


'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver


'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.


How about a bag of lollies and £10?' asked the driver.


'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.


'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh'? quizzed the  driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.


'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy


'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.


'NO,' screamed the boy.


'What will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh.


The boy replied,











':Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it.'

[illdecide]

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married,  and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to  amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M  style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet  again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my  boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos  and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made  love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night  we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask  over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a  word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said:  'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got  myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My  husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,  'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' 

[The Real Laoislad]

What do you call a kn**ker that gets sick in his van......................

A Bad Traveller !

[illdecide]

Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Mary," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. "Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here lass and stir this mince."

[illdecide]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom,
but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of
the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters:  <st1:City
w:st="on">WW</st1:City
, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like
this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the
warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.





'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'







MEN NEVER LISTEN (Didn't know to leave that last comment in or out)

[illdecide]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice

[jaykay]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me..'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her

[screenexile]

Two lads are working in ground zero at the old Twin Towers in the middle of NYC... A Yank and a Poleglass native.

Yank: Hey man so where do you come from?

Spide: Poleglass mate!

Yank: Wow I've never heard of it... what State is that in?

Spide: Pretty much the same as this like!

[Puckoon]

Dave the hen


Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[Orior]

Clucking hell, thats an old one.

[5 Sams]

There's a man at a bus stop eating a massive hamburger. He's really enjoying it, but he can't stop noticing this really scruffy dog staring at him, and the burger. He shifts a bit to the side, but the dog follows him, and starts sniffing the burger. He takes another step to the side, and the dog starts to jump on him and bark. He is really annoyed by this point. He turns to the owner and asks- "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"
She answers- "Not at all, I'm sure he'd love it."
So the man grabs the dog and fcuks him over a wall into the river.