Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, But you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have other uses than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[illdecide]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas  leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon  in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied  his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the  dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped  out of the saloon  with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey  old man, have you ever danced?" 
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and  said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to  be tied. 
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still  laughing, 
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun,
and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert  air.  The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard  the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost  deafening. 
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the  old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in
the old man's hands, as  he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've  always wanted to." 

PS:There are a few lessons for us all here:
•   Never be arrogant. 
•   Don't waste munitions.
•   Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 
•   Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
•   Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. 

[illdecide]

This is something to think seriously about.
 
Will I live to see 80? 

I just turned 60 and recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and 
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.   

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll 
live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine,  or indulge in chocolate 
or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much...my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 

He looked at me and  asked...'Then, why do you even give a shit? 

[Orior]

Quotes:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)   

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible -
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.. Visit people only once a year. -
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  -
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  -
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. -
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -
Billy Crystal

[longrunsthefox]

Paddy Murphy, the great Irish boxing champion, was having a full medical after his latest title defence. 'Paddy' says the doctor, 'You've got sugar diabetes.'
'That's great!' says Paddy, 'When do I fight the black b*****d?!'

[Orior]

Later that week....

Low brow boxer with knuckles dragging on the floor "Hey boss, when do I get to fight Spud 'The Rock' Murphy?"

Boss "How many times I gotta tell ya, you are Spud 'The Rock' Murphy"

[Hardy]

(This one  is true) Two-Ton Tony Galento was asked what he thought of Shakespeare: "I'll moider da bum".

[illdecide]

The Pope has just announced that Tony Mowbray is to be made a Cardinal. He said "anybody who can get away with abusing that many Catholic's for so long & still get paid for it deserves more than just a priesthood".

[Puckoon]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'


The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Orior]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Belfast. Nothing is moving . Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Peter Robinson, Jeffery Donaldson, Sammy Wilson, young Paisley and a bunch of them DUP guys. They are asking for £10million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[illdecide]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable'

[Orior]

Lady GAA GAA's night time prayer:

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

[Orior]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4.Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women

[illdecide]

Retirement - Glasgow style...



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into Glasgow and went  into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior  citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi shite.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for taking up two  parking places.

So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put  it on the windshield with the first.

Then we abused him even more and eventually he got on his radio and called  a truck out to tow the car away.

We looked at each other as the car was clamped and lifted on to the back of the truck.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus, and the car had a Rangers sticker on the back window.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's  important at our age.

[illdecide]

A man  feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing  aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the  doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until  you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." 

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,  what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,  what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for  dinner?"

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey,  what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)   





"Jerry,  for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!