Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.   

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust  "I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said


"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
 
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"




------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pre tend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts


"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   


Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"   

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you ?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q.  What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He sa id in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"

[illdecide]

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[illdecide]

Sean The Selick Man
 
                                   
A rich man from Glasgow decided to have a party and invited all his Rangers buddies.

He also invited Sean, his gardener and the only Celtic fan in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and bbq and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million pounds to anyone who has the balls to jump in",

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Sean in the pool fighting the Croc and kicking it's ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywere.

Both Sean and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Sean strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Sean then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everyone just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well Sean, I reckon I owe you a million pounds" " Nah; you all right boss, I dont want it," said Sean.

The rich man said " I have to give you something, how about a half million pounds then".

"No thanks I don't want it" answered Sean.

The host continued " I insist on giving you something, that was amazing what you done. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex".

Again Sean said no.

Confused the rich man asked, " There must be something you want? what can I give you?."

'5 Minutes with the Orange B ## t ## d who pushed me in the f # ck # n' pool!!

[illdecide]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[Onion Bag]

 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.
   
   One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   




  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.   




   He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'   


  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'


  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


  Some old men can still think fast

[illdecide]

 A Teacher gave her class some lifesaver lessons:


 
 
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[5 Sams]

Another couple of classics from overheardindublin.com

Overheard in Moore street, dub street vendor: (about 70 yrs old she was,)
"luvly Clitris Oranges".....6 for a euro!!!......

Overheard by buckie baldoyler, Moore St


Sitting on a bus before christmas and there were two fellas sitting behind me, conversation went like this....

"What you getting your bird for christmas"

"I'm sending her to Turkey to get her tits done"

"Oh is it cheaper over there"

"Yeah mad cheap, Me sister and me Ma got them done there. They feel real and everything!"


Overheard by Anonymous, bus from clondalkin to town

[tyroneman]

Jonathan Ross has been banned from going to England Rugby matches due to playing annoying practical jokes on fellow supporters. 

In his defence he admitted I just can't help it I love twickenham.

Earlier that week he was banned from Ikea for stealing cooking utensils.

He wasn't too disapointed saying it was well worth the whisk.

I'll get me coat..;...........

[illdecide]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

[illdecide]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He ran further along the path, then looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped...............The bear froze..................The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'  'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? 
Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:


'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.

[illdecide]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.  His copilot is Chinese.  It's the first time they've flown
together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike ...


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese . '

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces .

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic .'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg . . .. no mattah . . all same ...'

[illdecide]

I've heard this one before but here goes anyway...

> FIRST
> TIME SEX
> ..........
>
>
>
> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
> a dinner with her parents.
>
>
> Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
> that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
> first time.
>
> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
> trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist
> it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
> hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
> sex.
>
>
> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
> like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
> The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
> busy, it being his first time and all.
>
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
> girlfriend at the door.
>
> "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
>
> The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
> parents are seated.
> The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
> passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
>
>
> 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>
> Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
> over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
> religious.'
>
>
> The boy turns, and whispers back,
>
> 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

[illdecide]

A man bumps into his ex wife's new husband and asks "how's the 2nd hand fanny"? the new husband replies "it's great thanks, after the 1st 3 inches it's like brand new"

[illdecide]

> > The first man married a woman from ENGLAND . He told her that she was to do
>   the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
>   day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
>
>  The second man married a woman from GERMANY . He gave his wife orders that
>   she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
>   didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
>   day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
>   dinner on the table.
>
>  The third man married a girl from DONEGAL. He ordered her to keep the
>   house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
>   the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
>  anything,
>   the second day he didn't see anything but, by the third day, some of the
>   swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
>   his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
>   dishwasher. He still has some difficulty peeing.

Get well soon

Love Marian

[illdecide]

Message from the Orange Order..."Would secret agent Mowbray please return to base, mission complete!"