Corny One for Friday

illdecide · December 22, 2009, 05:15:25 PM

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

illdecide · December 22, 2009, 05:16:55 PM

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

illdecide · December 22, 2009, 05:17:55 PM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over ?''

Lecale2 · December 22, 2009, 05:26:04 PM

Welcome back. You're in good form today.

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 05:37:54 PM

illdecide you're doing trojan work on this thread... fair play

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 05:39:43 PM

To All Staff,
> > RE: SWEARING AT WORK It has been brought to management's attention
that
> > some individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language
> > during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
> > Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> offended,
> > this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
> realize
> > the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
> feelings
> > when communicating with co-workers.
> > Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been
provided so
> > that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
> effective
> > manner.
> >
> > 1) TRY SAYING:
> > I think you could use more training.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
> >
> >
> > 2) TRY SAYING:
> > She's an aggressive go-getter.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > She's a ball-busting c__t.
> >
> >
> > 3) TRY SAYING:
> > Perhaps I can work late.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?
> >
> >
> > 4) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > No f___ing chance.
> >
> >
> > 5) TRY SAYING:
> > Really?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > You've got to be sh__ing me!
> >
> >
> > 6) TRY SAYING:
> > Perhaps you should check with...
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Tell someone who gives a f__.
> >
> >
> > 7) TRY SAYING:
> > I wasn't involved in the project.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > It's not my f____ing problem.
> >
> >
> >

TRY SAYING:
> > That's interesting.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > What the f___?
> >
> > 9) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > This sh__ won't work.
> >
> > 10) TRY SAYING:
> > I'll try to schedule that in.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
> >
> >
> > 11) TRY SAYING:
> > He's not familiar with the issues.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > He's got his head up his a__.
> >
> >
> > 12) TRY SAYING:
> > Excuse me sir?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Eat sh__ and die.
> >
> >
> > 13) TRY SAYING:
> > So you weren't happy with it?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Kiss my a__.
> >
> >
> > 14) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > F___ it, I'm not getting overtime.
> >
> >
> > 15) TRY SAYING:
> > I don't think you understand.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Shove it up your a__.
> >
> >
> > 16) TRY SAYING:
> > I love a challenge.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > This job sucks c__k.
> >
> >
> > 17) TRY SAYING:
> > You want me to take care of that?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Who the f___ died and made you boss?
> >
> >
> > 18 ) TRY SAYING:
> > He's somewhat insensitive.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > He's a pr_ck.
> >
> > Thank You,
> > Human Resources
> >

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 05:42:28 PM

>> Brewer CEO Meeting
>>
>>
>>
>> At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various
>> brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first
>> day's conference.
>>
>>
>>
>> Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make
>> the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters,mate."
>>
>>
>>
>> Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the
>> finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a
>> Bud."
>>
>> Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give
>> me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
>>
>>
>>
>> Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a
>> diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."
>>
>>
>>
>> The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all
>> over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a

>> Guinness, Pat?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then
>> neither am I!"

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 05:48:56 PM

Engineers, they're special!!

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, Bob. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company, an elctric utility, loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar turbines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the turbine balanced, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge turbine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular spot of the turbine and said, "This is where your problem is add some weight at this spot " The weight was added and the turbine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I'v told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 05:57:43 PM

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Celt_Man · December 22, 2009, 08:38:23 PM

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

illdecide · December 23, 2009, 09:53:42 AM

Maths, over the years...

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation
of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how might the birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling
licence. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health &
Safety legislation as it's deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He
has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does

not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore
considered
to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his
details
circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken
to
court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he
is
released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build
a
camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted
for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While
he
is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the
black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and
pheasant and depart, leaving behind several tons of rubbish and asbestos
sheeting. The forester, on release, is warned that failure to clear the
fly
tipped rubbish immediately, at his own cost, is an offence. He complains
and
is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced

£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government
contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested
and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by

hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the state for the
rest
of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan
to
buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in
Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a
few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who
made
the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1200 road
tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer
meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some
Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back
on
the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their
cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their
relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport

them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they
return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The
logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and, as his name is
on
the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1500 registration fees as
a
gang
master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing
out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله
شاحنة
من
الخشب
من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

illdecide · December 23, 2009, 09:55:27 AM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle...

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

illdecide · December 23, 2009, 09:56:54 AM

Quote from: Celt_Man on December 22, 2009, 05:37:54 PM
illdecide you're doing trojan work on this thread... fair play

aye i had these emails built up on the PC and I'm doing my annual clean out...

Orior · January 03, 2010, 07:56:16 PM

Q. How do you make Lady Ga Ga cross?

A. Pokerface

illdecide · January 04, 2010, 09:50:19 AM

The Pope gets attacked, the Catholic Church is in shame over decades of child abuse. Rangers are top of the league and then G Adams declares incest in his family.

Carlsberg don't normally do Christmas for Prods, but they've managed this time!!!