Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

An Irishman is having breakfast in Parisone morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Irishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You Irish folk eat the whole bread??'

Irishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Irishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Irishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't.. In Francewe eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Ireland.'

After a moment of silence, The Irishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Irishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Irishman: 'We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

[illdecide]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:   What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:   Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:   Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:   There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:   Leicester
 

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:   I don't know.
Stewart White:   I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:   Arm
Stewart White:   Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:   Strong.
Stewart White:   Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:   Louis
Stewart White:   Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:   Frank Sinatra?
 
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:   What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:   France.
Trelinski:   France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:   Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:   Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:   Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:   Just guess a country then.
Contestant:   Paris.
 
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:   Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:   The Conservative Party.
 
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:   For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:   I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:   What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:   Goosey?
 
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:   What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:   I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )
Phil:   What's 11 squared?
Contestant:   I don't know.
Phil:   I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:   Is it five?
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:   Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:   Forrest Gump.
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:   Er. ... ..
Richard:   He makes bread . . .
Contestant:   Er .. .....
Richard:   He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:   Kipling Street?
 
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:   Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:   Barcelona.
Presenter:   I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:   I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
 
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:   What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:   The Pacific.
 
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:   Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:   Magna Carta?
 
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:   How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:   In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:   Japan.
Chris Searle:   I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:   Er ........ Mexico ?
 
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:   How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):   Fourteen days.
 
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:   In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:   Holland?
Daryl Denham:   Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:   Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)   It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:   No.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:   What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:   Er... .... ..
Phil Wood:   It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:   Blimey?
Phil Wood:   Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:   (Silence)
Phil Wood:   OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:   Walked?
 
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:   Nostalgia.
 
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:   What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:   Jewish.
Presenter:   That's close enough.
 
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:   Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:   Jesus.

 

[illdecide]

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[illdecide]

Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like

to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge.
He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington,
Ringway

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had

a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son
with

the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a
loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story

straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify

that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to
MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving those fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North
Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will
always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on

a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she
has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know

how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending
the other one?

[illdecide]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head
in the door and asked,   
'How long before I can get a haircut?'   
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'   
The guy left. 
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in
the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .'   
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favour.   Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go
when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes
and said,........

'Your house!

[illdecide]

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.





So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'



Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.



God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

And that it would be a woman.








He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,



And when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you








She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,



And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.



She will praise you!








She will bear your children.




 

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.








'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and



Passion whenever you need it.'







Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'



'An arm and a leg.'


 


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib 


Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

[illdecide]

The best ducking joke today :




A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.


"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[illdecide]

        Wally's Wedding Night
            At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
            Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after
their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she
is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if
they spend the entire night together.
            After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed
and the expected 'knock' on the door.
            Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
            They unite as one.
            All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.
            After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Wally.
            Again he is ready for more 'action.'
            Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
            When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids
her a fond goodnight and leaves.
            She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....
            Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as
a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
            And, once again they enjoy each other.
            But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says
to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well and so often.
            I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
            Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......
            'You mean I've been here already?'
            Don't be afraid of getting old, senior's moments might just
have advantages.

[illdecide]

A Torry man in Aberdeen, was heading out to the Crown and Anchor for a night on the bevvy and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
> "Jackie - put your hat and coat on, quine."
> "Awe Ian that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?"
> "Nah; just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."
>
>
> Did you hear about the Glaswegian criminal who was sentenced to solitary confinement? He was is his 'sel.
>
>
> The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots .....
> so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.
>
> How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? 'Och! it's nae that dark!'
>
> Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
> He sold her four of them....
>
> A Heatheryfold Loon in Aberdeen, took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.
> She was so beautiful he could hardly take his eye off the meter...
>
> A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himself....
>
> A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
> The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
> The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
> So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.The man reads 'Peter Forbes, fae Kincorth, deid'
> He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying "I think we cud allow
> 3 or 4 more words fer yer money."
> The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
> The man then reads
> 'Peter Forbes, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'......
>

[illdecide]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[illdecide]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[illdecide]

The next pandemic!

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes.             

As a result, I have unfortunately tested positive for what a cadre of experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is serious - and it appears this is NOT an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from across the country of others now being diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone exhibiting the aforementioned symptoms, experts recommend a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and call in sick.

Then take the only drug proven to combat this usual type type of flu - a McDonald's Happy Meal.

If that doesn't work, further application of the original liquid, in familiar quantities, has been shown to do the trick.     
           
Wine Flu does not NEED to be life threatening!

If treated early, it can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that the virus has mutated into Whine Flu. 

This is particularly common in men and can spread to their partners whose symptoms may include a serious case of eye-rolling.

[illdecide]

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."  Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is centuries old.  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.  You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck.  Who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.  After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided you were right.
I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[illdecide]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink. 
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can 't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?   

[illdecide]

 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
      No crap, really? Ya think? 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers    
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------- 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
       What a guy!   
---------------------------------------------------------------   
Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
------------------------------------------------------   
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------   
War Dims Hope for Peace   
I can see where it might have that effect! 
---------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
      Who would have thought! 
----------------------------------------------------------------   
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    
They may be on to something!------------------------------------------------------------------------   

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ----------------------------------------------------------   
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge    
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren't they fat enough?! 
-----------------------------------------------     
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
---------------- ---------------------------------   
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 
     
Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
***************************************************   
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
       Boy, are they tall! 
*******************************************   
And the winner is....   
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead   
   
     Did I read that right? 
***************************************************