Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

  Is this the best quote of the decade, or what?





Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

[illdecide]

CUP OF TEA
  One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe
  2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had
  given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my
  favorite toys.
  Daddy was in the livingroom engrossed in the evening news when I
  brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.  After
  several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
  home.
  My Dad made her wait in the livingroom to watch me bring him a cup of
  tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
  enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
  watches him drink it up.

  Then she says, (as only a mother would know...), " Did it ever occur
  to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 

[illdecide]

Man Flu

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is
that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this
awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense,
they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of
full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The
A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady
medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim
of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.

11. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind
words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe,
we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

[Caid]

David Blaine is said to be devastated at news that his world record of spending 48 days in a box doing nothing has been broken by Robbie Keane!

[Puckoon]

I bought a new antipersperant yesterday. The instructions said, remove lid and push up bottom.

Ive been in casualty all day, but my farts smell great.

[Orior]

so you played cowboys and indians?

[Santino]

What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?

A crimefighter


Disclaimer - was told this by a black guy last night!

[Orior]

In Dublin, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In Derry, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

In Cork, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

And in Cavan, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?

[the green man]

A man went to a hardware shop and asked for six long bolts.

How long would you like them asks the assistant.

I thought I'd get to keep them says the man

[Larry Duff]

I work in England and our company has an internal communicator system (like MSN messenger).  This is the transcript between me and an Indian girl I work with from earlier today.  Names have been changed to preserve our identities:

Good idea. But another way of concealing your identity is hiding your e-mail address when posting, particularly when it contains your full name and the name of your employer 

[DoYerJob Linesman]

 

Best joke yet.

[Orior]

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh shit.

Could I ask the moderators to save this poor soul?

[DrinkingHarp]

A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel sticking out of his pants.

Bartender says " you know you have a wheel sticking out of your pants?"

Pirate " of course I know that, its stuck there!"

Bartender "well, do you steer with it?"

Pirate "No, but it drives me nuts."

[Orior]

Announced this morning

Marks & Spencer are amalgamating with Poundstretcher. The new company will be called StretchMarks.

[Orior]

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,  'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
 
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'