Corny One for Friday

flantheman82 · January 14, 2009, 09:15:45 AM

--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.

illdecide · January 14, 2009, 02:15:43 PM

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend when she said I reminded her of a black man.
"Why, cos I've got a massive c**k?" I asked.
She said, "No, it's cos I f**king hate you."

Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham.
Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels.

Lecale2 · January 14, 2009, 02:50:11 PM

That's the worst in a long time Illdecide.

Hardy · January 14, 2009, 04:56:33 PM

Two Dublin women shopping in Moore St. One of them picks up a parsnip and starts to giggle.

Wha?
- Ah nuttin'

G'wan - wha?
- Ah just dis parsnip. Ih reminds me of me husban's yoke.

Wha - de lent of ih or de tickness of ih?
- No. De durt of ih.

illdecide · January 14, 2009, 05:20:39 PM

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! **

Puckoon · January 15, 2009, 05:58:25 PM

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day..'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

illdecide · January 16, 2009, 04:53:17 PM

Saturday's incident had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Airport

Eyewitness accounts.

America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life...I thought i was going to die, he got so close to me"

Glasgow: "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"
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America: "I just want to get home, away from here...I just want to get home, I thought I was going to die"

Glasgow: "Am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"
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America: "there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what happening was; I thought I was going to die"

Glasgow: "F*ck this, moan we'll get a pint in"

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America: "We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were going to die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow: "a walked by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

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America: "I'm too traumatised even to speak, I thought I was going to die"

Glasgow: "here mate, gees 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are real)

John has just surpassed his interview on the National ITV news.

ITV Interviewer asked: "What message do you have for the bombers"

John replied: ... "This is Glasgow we'll set aboot yae"

John was interviewed yesterday on CNN

CNN Interviewer asked: "How did you manage to restrain the terrorist?"

John replied: ... "Me and the other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him"!

Mr Smeaton - Local Hero!

fitzroyalty · January 16, 2009, 05:17:18 PM

3 Mice sitting in a Belfast pub talking about who's the toughest!

Andytown mouse says he is, "I go up to the mousetrap, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"

Rathcoole Mouse says: "You poof! I get the rat poison, crush it into a powder and snort it!"

Lurgan Mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.

"Where are you going?" ask the other two

"Am away home here to ride the cat!"

SidelineKick · January 16, 2009, 05:53:55 PM

A big wide piece of tarmac walks into a bar and starts shouting his mouth off.

"I'm the hardest piece of road about; no harder piece of road about that me." At this point he's pushing all the other pieces of tar about and bullying them.

All of a sudden the door bursts open and a much thinner piece of tarmac walks in. The big piece of road shits himself and goes and hides in the corner.

"I thought you said you were the toughest piece of road about?" he was asked.

"I'm tough" he replied, "but that guy is a cycle path!"

Orior · January 20, 2009, 11:38:19 AM

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced Go) had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
The brother who ate lots of prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at the convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The cousin in Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Warediddy Gogh
His Mexican uncle - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved to Disco - Go Gogh
And his niece that travels in a van - Winniebay Gogh
I think there was also a distant relative named Far Gogh.

ziggysego · January 20, 2009, 10:51:56 PM

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will is a dead giveaway.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
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A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
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A boiled egg is hard to beat.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
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If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine.
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Hardy · January 21, 2009, 10:24:34 AM

Still my favourite pun of the last ten years. When they finally finished the Luas works
in O'Connell Street:

I can see Clerys now - the crane has gone.

illdecide · January 21, 2009, 10:44:36 AM

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few
words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.

(Embedded image moved to file: pic15739.jpg)Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee,
475g It said: "Good till the last drop".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans"

(Embedded image moved to file: pic08207.jpg) Mum now knew to go straight
to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King
Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town.
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African
Airways"

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

(Embedded image moved to file: pic21589.jpg)saa.jpg (16610 bytes)

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted!

illdecide · January 27, 2009, 12:13:10 PM

A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they
had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for
the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite '

illdecide · January 27, 2009, 12:19:59 PM

> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
> than to let him keep her.
>
> David Bissonette
>
>
>

>
>
> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
> coin; they just can't face each other, but still they
> stay together.
>
> Sacha Guitry
>
>

>
>
> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be
> happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
> philosopher. Socrates
>
>

>
> 0A
>
>

>
> Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
> achieving them.
>
> Anonymous
>
> 0A
>
>
>

>
> The great question... which I have not been able to
> answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
>
> Dumas
>
>

>
> I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs
> with me.
>
> Sigmund Freud
>
>
>
>

>
>
> 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
> take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
> candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes
> Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
>
> Anonymous
>
>
>
>

>
>
> 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even
> faster than electronic banking. It's called
> marriage.'
>
> Sam Kinison
>
>

>
> 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first
> one left me, and the second one didn't.'
>
> James Holt McGavra
>
>
>

>
> Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever
> you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right,
> shut up.
>
> Patrick Murra
>
>
>

>
>
> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
> is to forget it once....
>
> Nash
>
>
>
>

>
>
> You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
>
>
> Anonymous
>
>

>
>
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>
> Henny Youngman
>
>
>

>
>
> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
> wrong.
>
>
>
>
>
> Rodney Dangerfield
>
>
>

>
> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
> 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred
> letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have
> mine.'
>
> Anonymous
>
>

>
> First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
> Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still
> alive.'
>
> Anonymous