Corny One for Friday

[All of a Sludden]

The French delicacy Foie Gras is obtained by removing baby geese from their families, terrifying them and making them lead miserable, sordid existences against their will before finally allowing them to be slaughtered in cold blood at a very young age, by which point death is almost certainly the best option for them anyway.

Still, what's good for the goose is good for Uganda.

[Forever Green]

My son burst through the front door this morning and said, "can I have two pounds for candy, please?"

"Hold on a second, we call 'candy' sweets in England. In America they call 'sweets' candy." I told him.

He said, "okay, whatever, but the new girl who has moved in down the street is called Candy. She said that if me and my mates give her 2 pounds each she will show us her tits."

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Fernando Torres is the proud holder of a new footballing record.

He is now averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.

[Fear ón Srath Bán]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

On the other hand, there appears to be a drop in the number of suicide bombings, attributed largely to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[5 Sams]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[5 Sams]

Frozen windows                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Text message from Wife to husband at work :-


"Windows frozen - what will I do?"


Husband :-


"Spray on de-icer, or use hot water!"


Wife - a few minutes later :-


"Done that, now computer won't work at all".

[Agent Orange]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Dublin airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[An Gaeilgoir]

for the day thats in it:

How do you make an elephant cross? Nail two of them together!!!

What do you call an egg on the back of a motorbike? A mad yoke!!

[muppet]

Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/

[Niall Quinn]

Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/

Can you exemplify?

[muppet]

Silly but very funny:

http://www.dailytorygraph.com/

Can you exemplify?

[Niall Quinn]

That doesn't do anything for me. At a stretch, there's maybe something in Clegg's knickers.

[muppet]

That doesn't do anything for me. At a stretch, there's maybe something in Clegg's knickers.

Tell you what, you check that out and I'll stick with the schoolyard humour.

[Harold Disgracey]

Jordan has given assurances Abu Qatada will get the treatment he deserves.


If he buys her a kebab she'll suck him off.

[Orior]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

[quit yo jibbajabba]

Useful product review...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

that, my friend, is very funny