Corny One for Friday

[Billys Boots]

Might be an old one ...

"Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say."

[illdecide]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. ' We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts,

'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way .

[Denn Forever]

Dad, I got a job at the Bowling Alley.
Ten Pin?
No Permanent.

[illdecide]

 A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'



'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[Celt_Man]

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig and turns to the crowd asking if they have any requests.

An Asian guy at the front shouts "Pray a jazz chord". Surprised that the fan knows about his jazz background, Stevie plays out an amazing freestyle jazz rendition. Again, he turns to the crowd and is surprised the asian guy again shouts "Pray a jazz chord".

Stevie again plays another freestyle jazz song. he turns to the crowd again. the asian guy continues to shout "Pray a jazz chord! Pray a jazz chord!". Stevie asks, "I've just played 2! What more do you want?"

The Asian guy shouts "A jazz chord! You know? A jazz chord, to say a rove you..."

[Celt_Man]

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.
Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. He watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.
They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.
After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.
The man explains to him....
"My wife will catch us if we go to my house....., Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......, The cheapest B&B around is €70.......
I give you €50.........
And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!"

[illdecide]

New album out today by Willie McCrea including the hits by Shaggy - It wasn't me! - The Streets - Dry your eyes mate and the classic from the graduate - Here's to you Mrs Robinson!

[illdecide]

Whats a 9 volt battery and a womans arsehole got in common?




you know its wrong but sooner or later your gonna touch it with your tongue!!!

[screenmachine]

Questions were asked around The Emirates Stadium yesterday trying to clarify if Emanuel Adebayor ran the length of the Togo team bus to celebrate in front The Gunners this time?

[Orior]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced 50 percent.

Then her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to look in just two or three more before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely to be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just messing with you.  He's dead!  Show me what you bought!"

[illdecide]

Peter Robinson visited his optican today complaining that his eyes have been watery since March, the Optician says "I think i know whats wrong, there's been something stuck in your Iris".

[Orior]

Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.  Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. I'm at this level.






After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[liihb]

My Missus nearly walked in on me looking at the Liverpool website on my laptop. Luckily I managed to whip my c@ck out and pretend I was having a w**k to save any embarrassment

[haveaharp]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. 

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. 
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...
and I  hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 
'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs
my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! 
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, 
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, 
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'

[kumquat]

A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him was reading a book titled
''Strange but true sexual facts''.

"Interesting?'' he asks.

''Yes'' she replies, ''For instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a Irishman has the thickest?

Oh, I'm sorry" she continued,

"My name's Helen & yours?" ...

''Tonto Murphy"