Corny One for Friday

[aontroim abu]

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you
like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it... Cars are backed up for miles...
Finally, a police car comes up... The policeman got out of his car and
walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The
lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[armaghniac]

I think all the jokes on here have repeated themselves.

In fairness that's been said before, Hardstation. 

[The Real Laoislad]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Homer]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

No LL you should have gone for a beaver instead of a rabbit, then the man would say "I'd say someone else shot the beaver!" 

[The Real Laoislad]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.  We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

[The Real Laoislad]

Aussie Logic - tough to beat

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head,there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

"That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see.....  a blink!," said the second man.  "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye"

That's a very popular clich? for speed."He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard
to beat the speed of light", he said.Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,
said the Aussie."What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie,"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could,think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

He got the job

[Goats Do Shave]

A guy gets on an elevator. In the corner, an old geezer about ninety is lip-locked with a gorgeous piece of work about twenty, dressed in a miniskirt that barely went below the beaver line.

The guy watched the steamy mingling for a while, then said to the geezer, "Excuse me, sir, I don't want to interfere--but at your age, sex can kill"

The geezer pauses the mingling for a moment, saying, "Well, if she dies, she dies."

[Windmill abu]

Alcohol free lager. Its like licking your sisters fanny, it tastes the same but its not right

[el_cuervo_fc]

>If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on an airplane
>
>follow these instructions:
>
>1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
>
>2. Remove your laptop.
>
>3. Start up.
>
>4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 5. Go to this
>link. http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf
>
>6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

[illdecide]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.  It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
our Newsletter and several other letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England."

[illdecide]

Women:

Women are like orange juice cartons, its not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those f**king flaps to open.

[small white mayoman]

The best engine in the world is the fanny.It takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with one finger and every 4 weeks does it own oil change.... its just a pity the management system is so f**king tempermental

[ziggysego]

I'd delete that 5ive, before you get a backlash

[hoopsaaa]

5 times in poor taste

[Cloc Mor]

I got pulled by Mods over alot less.