Corny One for Friday

[Orior]

I went to an interview the other day. The lady said ... if you want anything my name is Jill. i said wow, you're the first person I have meet that has a conditional identity. what do I call you if I don't want something?

Very good

[ziggysego]

Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

I haven't seen the show. If this is typical of the writing I must give it a watch.

Yep, Tucker is f**king brilliant.

[Harold Disgracey]

Tucker's Law, the embroidered version.

[Orior]

Its not that funny when you skip the swear words

[Forever Green]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

-----------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was not liked in class at all.He was the class bookie,and every bet placed was a bet he won. So his teacher Miss Crabtree called his dad up to complain, to her surprise he hated his son's gambling ways. They both decided that they would come up with a bet that little Johnny would lose. At the end of school she held him back so she could talk with him."Johnny there will come a time when you will lose a bet and I hope I'll be there to see it"
Little Johnny scoffed and said "I never lose in fact I'll bet you 100 bucks that your bush is a black as the ace of spade"
Miss Crabtree hiked up her skirt pulled her panties down to see that indeed she had a blonde bush, with a laugh she said " You owe me 100 bucks the carpet matched the drapes now pay up!"
Little Johnny paid up and quietly left the school. Miss Crabtree called Little Johnny's dad to tell him the good news.She told him she took 100 bucks off of him and he left with his tail between his legs.The dad asked what the bet was and Miss Crabtree told him it was about the color of her bush and she showed him that he guessed wrong. The dad screamed nooooooo she asked what was wrong and he said"He bet me 10 grand that you would show him your bush!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to see my dylexic friend on Sunday to find him rubbing shoe polish on his penis. "You f**king idiot, l told you to turn your clock back"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was tucking into some sausages yesterday when I saw my wife sucking her portion seductively.

"Would you like me to do this to your's?" she asked, playing with her hair.

"Sure," I replied, handing over my plate. "You've put me off it anyway."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This woman came up to me in a club last night.

"Hello," she said.

"Aaaaargh!" I shrieked. "Why have you got a tattoo on your face?!"

She looked down. "It's a birthmark," she said sadly.

"Oh," I said. "Why would you want a tattoo of a birthmark?"

Then she walked off. f**king weirdo.

[upmonaghansayswe]

Malcolm Tucker on the recent government reshuffle in an opinion piece in last Saturday's Times.

Ever since the Olympics rolled into town everyone in Britain has had this weird upbeat feeling. Even long-term Leonard Cohen fans have sounded perkier than Andi Peters on Ecstasy. So what does David Cameron do? He decides to pour a giant bucket of steaming piss on our parade. And how does he do that? By having a reshuffle.

Don't get me wrong, he needed to have a reshuffle — everything he's done or tried to do since coming to power has been a disaster, from attempting to privatise trees to letting Chloe Smith talk in public. So, yeah, he needed to have a reshuffle all right, but the worst thing he could do was actually have a reshuffle. Because having a reshuffle took everyone out of our Olympic and Paralympic La-La land and reminded us that (a) we have a government; (b) it's f***ing terrible, and (c) it's just been reshuffled in a way that makes it even more terrible.

So what are the headlines? A woman who doesn't like gays as Equalities Minister, a man who is frightened of flying as Transport Secretary and someone who lots of people would like to see dead in charge of Health. Seriously, who was behind this piece of strategy? The Chuckle Brothers? It's like a joke reshuffle.

Why not go the whole f***ing hog and put Louis Walsh in charge of Defence and make an angry toddler Minister for Justice? How about Ant and Dec heading up DECC? The writer of Fifty Shades of Grey as Chief Whip? Or what about this — the decomposing heads of the Dragons Den bosses strung together to form a Newton's Cradle running the Department for Work and Pensions?

But none of that is the Real Problem with the shake up. The Real Problem is that the Chancellor is still there. Cameron should have shuffled George Osborne out of the Exchequer and to the backbenches or, better still, off this f***ing mortal coil.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because George Osborne is so f***ing unpopular that when he went to hand out medals at the Paralympics even the mascots Wenlock and Mandeville were giving him the finger.

And why is "Gorgeous George" so unpopular? (I use "gorgeous" ironically. And "George", for that matter.) Is it because he has the shifty look of a sex pest caught rubbing himself over the buffet at a funeral? Or is it that he's a millionaire who is doing to the economy what Russell Brand likes to do to granddaughters? Hard to say. All we know for certain is that since DC introduced his "happiness index" it has told us that George Osborne is the main thing responsible for our unhappiness. I'm not a believer in f***ing signs or portents but it can't be a coincidence that his initials are GO.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on Cameron. Maybe I should give him a second chance — the way he gave his Head of Communications, Andy Coulson, a second chance before he was arrested and charged with perjury. (You may think as a former government Head of Communications I am gloating. I am not. I only mention it because I am writing this for a Murdoch-owned newspaper and I know how rigorous they like to be with the facts). But I don't think I am being too harsh on the Prime Minister — I think the pancake-faced, claret-swilling pony-f***er has RUINED EVERYTHING (including my ability to hold down my tea when I see him on the evening news).

Cameron's Government is so catastrophically incapable that this reshuffle is less like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic and more like rearranging Titanics on a f***ing Super Titanic. And while the Titanics on the Super Titanic all head towards each other and the inevitable catastrophic conclusion he is parachuting in a team of expert ship scuttlers to speed things up. Meanwhile, despite the fact that a large amount of money has been spent on deckchairs, G4S have just announced that they will not be able to provide enough people to rearrange them.

The problem for the Conservatives is this: somehow, Christ alone knows how, the acceptable face of the Tory party is Boris Johnson. Yes. You read that right. Boris titting Johnson. A man who looks like he ate a scarecrow and sicked it up on himself. But he is also the only popular Tory. And the one and only Tory they can't shuffle into the Cabinet.

So what should Dave do now? Well, the answer's obvious. He should stand down and let Nick Clegg take over. I'm f***ing kidding. Seriously, can you imagine?

No, sadly for Dave, he'll just have to keep plodding on RUINING EVERYTHING until the electorate won't tolerate it any more and all his friends are in jail.

Just watched the 1st episode of In the Thick of It on youtube.. Mighty show!.. Never heard of this fella or sitcom before.. And from his best bits in that "In the Loop" film, it looks like a good watch too!.

[Billys Boots]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." 

[All of a Sludden]

I enjoyed watching Ellie Simmons in the Paralympics. A real star. I bet her dad's happy.....Or sneezy.

[Hardy]

MOVIE CLICHES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road you must turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. And you never, ever lock your car

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage

The amount of time a person will remain unconscious from a blow to the head can be timed precisely, dependant on the force of the blow

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one

The average hotel pool is deep enough for you to survive a fall from any floor

An Asian crime lord will always have a beautiful daughter named either "Jade" or "Lotus Blossom

Travelling between any two points in New York City will always take you past the Statue of Liberty, Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, and the New York Public Library

By the 23rd Century, everyone in the human race will be beautiful. Humanity will compensate for this by wearing awful clothes

[Shamrock Shore]

On a motorbike chase you will always hear gears changing
Numbers in a phone book are found instantly and the actor always rips out the page.
Phone numbers in USA all start with 555
A countdown clock to when the bomb could explode killing our hero - 1 second in reality = 1 minute in the film

[armaghniac]

Cars always blow up when subject to any collision.
Even very smart people don't seem able to reconnect the phone wires when the bad guy pulls the phone from the wall.

[ziggysego]

I enjoyed watching Ellie Simmons in the Paralympics. A real star. I bet her dad's happy.....Or sneezy.

[Harold Disgracey]

Would love this to be true!

@colmtobin: Heard from a reliable source today that when Brian Cowen walked into the meeting on the night of the bank guarantee everyone shouted "Norm!"

[StGallsGAA]

Is that a pic of Jose Mourinho??

[Declan]

Went to salsa classes last night.
I looked a right **** when I turned up with a big bag of Doritos.

...


Winzip files are becoming rar these days.


........


My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

.....

"I can't wait 2 C U tonight. XXX"

"Me neither. The Pacifier."

"The Pacifier? WTF?"

"Sorry, I thought we were ending our texts with Vin Diesel movies."