Hilarious Amazon reviews

[Eamonnca1]

There seems to be a whole genre emerging of the elaborate glowing Amazon review. The best one I've seen yet has to be this from a fan of Poe:



19,352 of 19,646 people found the following review helpful

Make this your only stock and store

By Edgar on July 8, 2008

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming lucid dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'

[grounded]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387748060&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+hair+removal+cream+for+men

[quit yo jibbajabba]

that my friend, is pure quality. only read first 40 or so. in tears here

[The Subbie]

Some serious wits at work there!!!

[Eamonnca1]

Amazon has become a treasure trove of some brilliant satirical writing.

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer



50,324 of 50,920 people found the following review helpful

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!
By SW3K on March 3, 2011

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

[Eamonnca1]

At the other end of the scale is the $40,000 TV:

Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED UHDTV (Black)



10,183 of 10,363 people found the following review helpful
Very satisfied
By James O. Thach TOP 1000 REVIEWER on November 25, 2013
My wife and I bought this after selling our daughter Amanda into white slavery. We actually got a refurbished. It's missing the remote, but oh well-- for $10K off, I can afford a universal, right? The picture is amazing. I've never seen the world with such clarity.

Amanda, if you're reading this, hang in there, honey! We'll see you in a year.

*****

I just wanted to add an addendum to my review. Since posting it, we have received a flood of responses. People have said some pretty hurtful things--even questioning our values. Let me assure you, this was not an easy decision to make, and we made it as a family. Obviously, it's very personal. But in light of all the second-guessing, I wanted to explain our thinking.

First and foremost, screen size. I really think you can't go too big. 85" may seem huge, but you get used to it fast. Second, resolution. Is 4K overkill? Please, that's what they said about 1080P! More dots = better. Period. And as far as this being a $40,000 "dumb" TV, people need to re-read my initial post: WE BOUGHT IT REFURBISHED. It was only $30,000.

Some of you may think I'm avoiding the "elephant in the room"-the real reason why this was such a heart-wrenching choice. So let's just get it out there. Yes, the 120 Hz refresh rate is a disappointment, especially on a 4K. But life is full of compromises. And frankly, we hardly notice. All in all, no regrets.

P.S., as for our daughter, NO ONE has the right to question our parenting. Totally out of bounds. Amanda was going into 7th grade, so it was going to be a transitional year anyway. Now she gets to see the world. How many kids her age get to go to Bahrain? I sure as heck didn't, but you don't hear me screaming "child abuse." Bottom line: MYOB! Seriously.

*****

Has it been a year already? Wow! I guess that's what 8 hours a day of immersive TV will do for you! Many of you have expressed your eagerness for an update. Well, here goes.

Generally, the Samsung has held up beautifully. We have noticed a little bit of lag, mostly in multi-player gaming--but not enough to cost us any firefights. There have been some issues up-imaging low rez content, but that's to be expected when you early-adopt--we're still "waiting on the world to change," as John Mayer would say (gosh he's talented.) On the plus side, we feel like we are now officially part of the cast of GOT. The other night Peg almost had to open a window to let Daenerys' dragons fly out!

And you'll all be happy to know our darling Amanda is back with us, safe and sound. She has changed a little. She's less talkative than before (though she had some choice words for me when I asked her to clean her room). And she's started wearing eye make-up, which has Peg a bit concerned. But welcome to thirteen, I guess. We're just glad to have her home. And she loves the TV. That's the main thing. In fact, she spends so much time in front of it lately, you'd swear she owns it.

[CD]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387748060&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+hair+removal+cream+for+men

Tears running down my face here - absolutely brilliant!!

[pullhard]

Carlsberg Special Brew 440ml x 4 1760g

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carlsberg-Special-Brew-440ml-1760g/dp/B0051C0RWI/ref=pd_sim_sbs_grocery_1

Smooth, sophisticated and flavourful Carlsberg Special Brew has been THE lager of choice for discerning gentlemen of the road since 1950. From the first satisfying crunch of the ringpull on Giro day to the hazily discerned blue flashing lights of an armed response unit, Special Brew glides down the throat like the phlegm from an angry Galsweigen Ned down the windscreen of a Special constables car. True, there are many imitators, each with a distinct corner of the market, but none quite manage to cover the range of bouquets or flavours available from this distinctive King of the Beggars.
A casual glance allows us to see the quietly reassured subdued red and gold of the can, sporting it's own crest. This drink knows its business, it doesn't feel the need to advertise though gaudy packaging, it is,in fact, the Rolls Royce of superstrength lagers.
The Golden Lady is a harsh mistress, harsh in that the unwary may well believe that they have simply have some sort of fugue state or even an embolism upon waking the day after consuming four cans of Trampaigne, clothes, and social life in tatters, a string of unremembered texts sent on your stolen moblie phone, but harsher still since the price of a can of the Amber Nectar skyrocketed to as yet unheard of heights, causing many to ask, "What is so special, about Special Brew?" My local shop has decided to sell Special Brew at £2.79 a can, and has sold so little of it that it actually went out of date before they shifted their stock. These little tubes of golden happiness were never supposed to be the province of the super rich, you will never see the House Windsor sporting real gold cans of Carlsberg while having the help roll dogend cigarettes in silk rizlas, sadly it was never meant to be drunk from the expensive shoe of a waiflike supermodel by coked up City Traders, it was aimed at and has cornered the market as Skid Row's oblivion of choice. Gracing the cornflakes of many an embittered divorcee, embittered ex trophy wife and bailhostels around the country alike. Unfortunately, one feels that the state in all it's infinite wisdom is determined to stamp out the use of this character forming libation, like early christians driving out paganism from the masses, supplanting it with their own insipid version of so called happiness. They will find however that the spirit of the brew will live on, the idea immortal, to rise again, and till that day I raise a glass of the Golden Lady, the harsh mistress of the streets, to friends, present and not, and cry "Usque ad mortem bibendum"!!!

[Eamonnca1]

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee



36,106 of 36,523 people found the following review helpful
Dual Function Design
By B. Govern on November 10, 2008

Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Boys 2-4

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

[Jell 0 Biafra]

Another good one:

James O. Thach "@JamesOtisThach"
This review is from: Cold Steel Trail Boss Hickory Handle (Sports)
[THIS REVIEW IS SATIRICAL, AND NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF ACTUAL AXE MURDER. DON'T DO IT. IT'S WRONG.]

I really like this axe. It's got a nice solid piece of hickory in the handle, and the head's high carbon steel--it needs some sharpening out of the box, but then it keeps its edge. I don't know how it would hold up against a tree, but it works great on people.

I'm an axe murderer. By which I mean, I kill people with an axe. If you have a problem with it, drop it in the comments section below and know that I will never read it. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. It's just who I am.

Who do I kill? I don't have a type, really. I think guys who'll only kill blondes or Asians are kind of creepy. I'm more interested in what's on the inside. For me, the biggest thing is a sense of humor. Like the other day, I'm in the library, loading up on a bunch of early Phillip K. Dick (The Man in the High Castle, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich, etc.--if you have a problem with dystopian sci-fi, again, leave it in the comments). Anyway the librarian--this kind of low-key hipster chick in hornrims--says, real dry, "What's with all the old Dick? Having a lemon party?" I died laughing. We both did.

[Eamonnca1]

Deadly! 

[Asal Mor]

Great thread lads. 

[Eamonnca1]

Breguet Tourbillion Messidor Mens Rose Gold Watch. Price – $118,199.99



Dylan:

"I actually first saw this watch at a neat little store in Luxembourg, as I was refilling my ruby-encrusted helicopter with gasoline made out of unicorn tears. I passed it by, thinking nothing of it, but as I landed on the solid gold helipad of my fourteen-story chateau, it got me thinking: What am I missing in my life? I asked my pedigree manservant to fetch me the name of this trivial timepiece, and with a knowing chuckle I discovered that this Tourbillon watch came from the same countryside workshop as my armoir made of faberge eggs! Hearing this, of course, it had to be mine. Having purchased this watch, I can tell you first hand that it is worth every penny. The ability to tell the time when I look at my wrist is well worth the money. Of course, I had to buy three for my long-wristed manservant; sometimes it is a bit too much trouble to look at one's own arm. But whether you're scaling a custom-made solid platinum full-scale replica of Mt. Everest, or diving to the depths of the Adriatic Sea in your sapphire-encrusted submarine, you can be sure that this watch will tell you the time."

[grounded]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Barrettine-Methylated-Spirit-500ml/dp/B002ATI4VG/ref=cm_lmf_tit_10/275-4949177-6727715


Some good ones!

[grounded]

Reading the reviews for Jamie's literary masterpiece is worth a chuckle.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Men-Had-dream-narrow/dp/1478334843