Can anyone confirm that Sean Cavanagh will be out for 4 weeks with an ankle injury?
- Welcome to gaaboard.com.
This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
#557
General discussion / Re: Corny One for Friday
February 27, 2007, 09:34:04 AM
Unusual Sporting Injuries
The Date Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.
Arsenal's Perry Groves was on the bench When Arsenal went scored he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from the physio.
Back in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.
David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote.
In 1970 the career of Brentford's Goalie Chic Brodie was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.
Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection
Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.
Indonesian star Mistar, 25, was tragically killed by a herd of pigs that invaded his team's training pitch before a Cup fixture in 1995.
Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.
In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!
Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.
Irish International Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control
Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win
David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.
Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye
Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.
Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.
Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin
Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.
Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board. We don't know if he was ironing at the time.
Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there.
Spain (and Valencia) keeper Santiago Canizares was ruled out of the 2002 World Cup finals after a bottle of aftershave dropped on his foot caused cuts and serious tendon damage.
David Beckham needed stitches above his left eye following a dressing room incident after Arsenal's 2-0 FA Cup win at Old Trafford on 15th Feb 2003. The injury was caused by his manager Sir Alex Ferguson kicking a football boot at him.
Crystal Palace keeper Alex Kolinko was hit around the head by his boss Trevor Francis in October 2002. Kolinko was on the bench, and Francis took offence when he laughed at their conceding a goal. The FA fined Francis 1000 pounds over the incident.
In 1996, Grimsby manager Brian Laws broke midfielder Ivan Bonetti's cheekbone after the Italian threw food at him in a dressing-room row. Laws escaped punishment, but they both were forced to make public apologies.
Shaun Goater injured a foot while playing for Man City against Birmingham in the autumn for 2003. The injury was sustained when he kicked an advertising hoarding in celebration of a goal by Nic Anelka. Goater had to be substituted.
Also in 2003, Villa striker Darius Vassell injured himself while attempting DIY surgery on his own foot. He had a blood blister under the toe-nail on his big toe and was using a power drill to drill through the nail and drain the wound. Drilling to drain such blisters is not an uncommon procedure, but normally it is conducted by a qualified person under sterile conditions. Vassell made it worse, picked up an infection, and had to have half the nail removed.
Stalybridge Celtic keeper Mark Statham missed a game in 1999 after trapping his head in a car door. We presume that his absence was caused by a resulting injury (rather than that he was still stuck in the car at kick-off) but we don't know what the injury was.
Halifax defender Dave Robinson put his shoulder out falling off a kid's slide
The Date Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.
Arsenal's Perry Groves was on the bench When Arsenal went scored he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from the physio.
Back in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.
David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote.
In 1970 the career of Brentford's Goalie Chic Brodie was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.
Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection
Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.
Indonesian star Mistar, 25, was tragically killed by a herd of pigs that invaded his team's training pitch before a Cup fixture in 1995.
Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.
In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!
Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.
Irish International Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control
Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win
David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.
Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye
Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.
Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.
Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin
Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.
Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board. We don't know if he was ironing at the time.
Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there.
Spain (and Valencia) keeper Santiago Canizares was ruled out of the 2002 World Cup finals after a bottle of aftershave dropped on his foot caused cuts and serious tendon damage.
David Beckham needed stitches above his left eye following a dressing room incident after Arsenal's 2-0 FA Cup win at Old Trafford on 15th Feb 2003. The injury was caused by his manager Sir Alex Ferguson kicking a football boot at him.
Crystal Palace keeper Alex Kolinko was hit around the head by his boss Trevor Francis in October 2002. Kolinko was on the bench, and Francis took offence when he laughed at their conceding a goal. The FA fined Francis 1000 pounds over the incident.
In 1996, Grimsby manager Brian Laws broke midfielder Ivan Bonetti's cheekbone after the Italian threw food at him in a dressing-room row. Laws escaped punishment, but they both were forced to make public apologies.
Shaun Goater injured a foot while playing for Man City against Birmingham in the autumn for 2003. The injury was sustained when he kicked an advertising hoarding in celebration of a goal by Nic Anelka. Goater had to be substituted.
Also in 2003, Villa striker Darius Vassell injured himself while attempting DIY surgery on his own foot. He had a blood blister under the toe-nail on his big toe and was using a power drill to drill through the nail and drain the wound. Drilling to drain such blisters is not an uncommon procedure, but normally it is conducted by a qualified person under sterile conditions. Vassell made it worse, picked up an infection, and had to have half the nail removed.
Stalybridge Celtic keeper Mark Statham missed a game in 1999 after trapping his head in a car door. We presume that his absence was caused by a resulting injury (rather than that he was still stuck in the car at kick-off) but we don't know what the injury was.
Halifax defender Dave Robinson put his shoulder out falling off a kid's slide
#558
General discussion / Re: Corny One for Friday
February 19, 2007, 11:25:34 AM
51 things we have learned from the movies:
1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
31. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
32. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
33. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
34. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
35. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
36. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
37. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
40. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
41. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
42. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
43. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
44. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
45. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
46. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
47. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
48. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
49. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
50. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
51. Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.
1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
31. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
32. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
33. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
34. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
35. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
36. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
37. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
40. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
41. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
42. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
43. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
44. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
45. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
46. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
47. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
48. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
49. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
50. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
51. Spacecraft in outer space will make a great racket and explode with a bang, vacuum or no vacuum.
#559
GAA Discussion / Re: Tyone Responds To GPA Regonition
February 16, 2007, 02:24:19 PMQuoteBut the GPA lashed back last night, saying "perhaps the letter was an attempt to divert attention from a number of on-going player welfare issues in their own county."
Brian McGuigan was injured playing for Ardboe. Any insurance claims with regard to medical bills & loss of earnings will have been dealt with by the Ardboe Committee rather than the Tyrone County Board.
Brian is a member of the GPA and any failings with regard to the players welfare would reflect on them as much as the County Board.
#560
GAA Discussion / Re: GAA Windfall - how should the money be spent
February 13, 2007, 10:07:59 AM
I would prefer that the existing debt on Croke park be reduced as soon as possible.
If the renting out of C.P. is temporary, then whatever structures are set up using this money would require alternative funding when this income stops. Would this put these plans in jeopardy if the money was not forthcoming from elswhere?
The quicker the existing debt is paid off on C.P. the more money is saved on interest payments. This money could then be used to set up the plans as proposed by other posters.
If the renting out of C.P. is temporary, then whatever structures are set up using this money would require alternative funding when this income stops. Would this put these plans in jeopardy if the money was not forthcoming from elswhere?
The quicker the existing debt is paid off on C.P. the more money is saved on interest payments. This money could then be used to set up the plans as proposed by other posters.
#561
GAA Discussion / Re: Tyrone v Fermanagh
February 11, 2007, 12:50:13 AM
For the size of the crowd (seemed to be about 10 - 12 Thousand) their was very little atmosphere at the game tonight. The floodlights appeared to cause problems for some of the players & may need to be higher. On the Tyrone team the best performances were from both the Cavanaghs, Colm McCullagh, Raymond Mulgrew & Justin MacMahon although Justin did have a couple of poor wides. Peter Donnelly is lacking pace & looks like he could lose a few pounds. Hub had a quiet game as had Stephen O,Neill when he came on. I thought Mickey Harte would have tried more of the new faces. He only used 2 subs (Cormac McGinley & Stephen O'Neill). If he now cuts the panel down to thirty. I cant see many of the newcomers making it.
#562
GAA Discussion / Re: The Great Croke Park debate rages on...
February 09, 2007, 02:12:24 PMQuote from: forkinknife on February 09, 2007, 11:48:09 AM
What im trying to say is LISTEN! This is Dublin's ground first and foremost. You f**king redneck culties should be asking us for permission to play on it. I have no problem leting O'Driscoll on it. I have no problem letting Damien Duff on it. I do have a problem leting that big-eared ginger from Kerry on it. ASK US! Not ask the GAA. ASK DUBLIN|!
If Mayo or Tyrone ask the Dubs permission to play on it, will the Dubs give it only for the first half as they will get spanked in their own back yard if they allow the second half. Or maybe they will just refuse permission to Mugsy
#563
Tyrone / Re: Tyrone Club Football and Hurling
February 08, 2007, 02:33:11 PM
Ricey has received a 4 week suspensionfor his red card against Dublin. He will miss the Fermanagh game the away game to Cork, the McKenna Cup semi-final & if Tyrone win, then the McKenna Cup Final as well. He will be available for the Home game against Donegal on 11 March
#564
General discussion / Re: The OFFICIAL Liverpool Supporters thread
February 07, 2007, 11:16:55 AM
Upon completion of the takeover at Anfield yesterday, the new owners declared the old Liverpool crest would be replaced with a more modern look.
#565
GAA Discussion / Re: Northern Towns/villages without GAA clubs
February 01, 2007, 03:12:31 PM
Ogra Colmcille are Littlebridge. The Team from Tyrone you are looking for are Windmill St Patricks and We will be back
#566
General discussion / Re: Official Gooners Thread
January 24, 2007, 12:43:42 PM
Arsene Wenger has picked a strong squad for the game at White Hart Lane. You couldnt really call it a second string with most of the out field players appearing regularly in the premiership this season.
Philippe Senderos, Alexander Hleb, Mathieu Flamini and Emmanuel Eboue come in for Johan Djourou (injured), Alex Song(international duty), Matthew Connolly and Henri Lansbury (suspended).
2. Abou Diaby
4. Francesc Fabregas
5. Kolo Toure
6. Philippe Senderos
9. Julio Baptista
13. Alexander Hleb
15. Denilson
16. Mathieu Flamini
21. Mart Poom
24. Manuel Almunia
27. Emmanuel Eboue
30. Jeremie Aliadiere
31. Justin Hoyte
32. Theo Walcott
43. Mark Randall
45. Armand Traore
Philippe Senderos, Alexander Hleb, Mathieu Flamini and Emmanuel Eboue come in for Johan Djourou (injured), Alex Song(international duty), Matthew Connolly and Henri Lansbury (suspended).
2. Abou Diaby
4. Francesc Fabregas
5. Kolo Toure
6. Philippe Senderos
9. Julio Baptista
13. Alexander Hleb
15. Denilson
16. Mathieu Flamini
21. Mart Poom
24. Manuel Almunia
27. Emmanuel Eboue
30. Jeremie Aliadiere
31. Justin Hoyte
32. Theo Walcott
43. Mark Randall
45. Armand Traore
#567
General discussion / Re: Corny One for Friday
January 12, 2007, 12:55:11 PM
We've travelled in time and can finally bring you tomorrow (or next month's) news today. Here are the stories that will be making the headlines in 2007.
Chelsea buy Watford's points
Chelsea moved to the top of the Premiership table this afternoon after successfully buying Watford's points. The £14m points transfer has shocked the rest of the Premiership, as Chelsea had been written off as title contenders but, with Watford having relinquished all hope of staying in the top flight, the Blues' purchase of all their points benefits both clubs.
Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon commented: "These ten points are exactly what the club needs at the moment and could be the difference that helps us retain the Premiership and promote the Chelsea brand to rabid capitalists and the morally vacant across the globe. For Watford, the money will allow them to rebuild their squad to have another go at promotion next year. It's a win-win situation"
The Chelsea executive then sloped off the stage with a maniacal laugh while killing a kitten.
The champions now have seventy points, four points ahead of Manchester United who are rumoured to be in negotiations with Sheffield United over acquiring some of their points in a season long loan deal.
The FA were unavailable for comment regarding the legality of this move. A spokesman would say nothing more than: "They are enjoying a well earned break in the Bahamas on a yacht donated by a generous owner of one of our top clubs and are not expected back anytime soon."
Injury forces Fergie's hand
Following the worst run of injuries and accidents in the club's history, Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is forced to strap on the boots himself.
His injury worries started with the loss of Ryan Giggs in a freak chest-waxing accident. This set off a string of setbacks including Cristiano Ronaldo winking when the clock struck and having his features frozen in a painful rictus of smuggery, Alan Smith sustaining third degree chemical burns to his scalp and neck while touching up his hairdo with industrial strength bleach and Paul Scholes receiving a lifetime ban from the game for being just a bit too ginger.
These were followed by several more mundane injuries and the shocking revelation that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer had, for the last two seasons, been impersonated by a twelve year old girl from Essex named Leslie.
With his squad down to 10 men Ferguson had no choice but to put on a replica kit (bought at full price in the Old Trafford shop) and take the field as a holding midfielder.
Ferguson's plan backfired badly though as, mere minutes after taking the field, he was shown a red card for kicking referee Graham Poll. Medical staff are currently employing a crowbar and a vat of goose fat to remove Ferguson's boot from a very personal part of Poll's anatomy.
Arsenal misfire again
In an unprecedented incident, Sheffield United failed to show up for their clash with the Gunners at the Emirates stadium.
Officials were at a loss concerning what action to take until Arsene Wenger turned their attention to an arcane entry in the FA's rule book.
Law 14.1 sub clause 4 (1912) states: Any team that fails to show up for a match without proffering a valid and believable excuse shall not forfeit the match. Instead the game shall be played by the remaining side, thereby punishing the offending side by destroying their goal difference.
While Arsenal played some scintillating football, dominating their opponents (who were stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the M5) for most of the match, they were once again guilty of overplaying and wasting chances.
After 90 minutes where the Gunners hit the upright an incredible 45 times and almost put the ball into their own net, the match ended in a disappointing 0-0 draw.
Rumours abound that other teams are set to follow the Blades example and not bother showing up for games against the Gunners.
Arsene Wenger had to be forcibly prevented from committing ritual suicide after the result and was placed in restraints and carted away while screaming: "Beautiful football, the Arsenal way..." repeatedly.
Curbishley, Pardew cause riot
Chaos broke out at the Valley yesterday when Alan Curbishley and Alan Pardew seemingly forgot who was managing which team in the East London derby between Charlton and West Ham.
After West Ham scored the opener, Pardew celebrated like a demented drunk who has just won the lottery for a good ten seconds before realising that he was not managing the club anymore.
When Darren Bent equalised ten minutes later he ran to his manager to celebrate, only to be intercepted by a clearly jubilant Curbishley.
At this point huge swathes of fans added to the confusion by swapping shirts and cheering on players at random. The metropolitan police had to be called in after thousands of fans arrived at the wrong homes after the game, cueing hysterical phone calls from wives and family ranting about imposters and strange men breaking and entering.
At last count police had sent several genetic samples to their forensics lab in an effort to clear up the confusion and establish the identity of large numbers of traumatised east Londoners.
Police spokesman Jim Rosemount said: " It would appear that an incident of mass hysteria broke out in Charlton on Saturday, brought on by psychological trauma and the accidental ingestion of stadium quality hot-dogs on a massive scale.
"We have spoken to police psychologists and there is some agreement that what happened is the result of the fickle nature of modern football and an inherent human reaction to disloyalty and general back stabbing.
Chelsea buy Watford's points
Chelsea moved to the top of the Premiership table this afternoon after successfully buying Watford's points. The £14m points transfer has shocked the rest of the Premiership, as Chelsea had been written off as title contenders but, with Watford having relinquished all hope of staying in the top flight, the Blues' purchase of all their points benefits both clubs.
Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon commented: "These ten points are exactly what the club needs at the moment and could be the difference that helps us retain the Premiership and promote the Chelsea brand to rabid capitalists and the morally vacant across the globe. For Watford, the money will allow them to rebuild their squad to have another go at promotion next year. It's a win-win situation"
The Chelsea executive then sloped off the stage with a maniacal laugh while killing a kitten.
The champions now have seventy points, four points ahead of Manchester United who are rumoured to be in negotiations with Sheffield United over acquiring some of their points in a season long loan deal.
The FA were unavailable for comment regarding the legality of this move. A spokesman would say nothing more than: "They are enjoying a well earned break in the Bahamas on a yacht donated by a generous owner of one of our top clubs and are not expected back anytime soon."
Injury forces Fergie's hand
Following the worst run of injuries and accidents in the club's history, Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is forced to strap on the boots himself.
His injury worries started with the loss of Ryan Giggs in a freak chest-waxing accident. This set off a string of setbacks including Cristiano Ronaldo winking when the clock struck and having his features frozen in a painful rictus of smuggery, Alan Smith sustaining third degree chemical burns to his scalp and neck while touching up his hairdo with industrial strength bleach and Paul Scholes receiving a lifetime ban from the game for being just a bit too ginger.
These were followed by several more mundane injuries and the shocking revelation that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer had, for the last two seasons, been impersonated by a twelve year old girl from Essex named Leslie.
With his squad down to 10 men Ferguson had no choice but to put on a replica kit (bought at full price in the Old Trafford shop) and take the field as a holding midfielder.
Ferguson's plan backfired badly though as, mere minutes after taking the field, he was shown a red card for kicking referee Graham Poll. Medical staff are currently employing a crowbar and a vat of goose fat to remove Ferguson's boot from a very personal part of Poll's anatomy.
Arsenal misfire again
In an unprecedented incident, Sheffield United failed to show up for their clash with the Gunners at the Emirates stadium.
Officials were at a loss concerning what action to take until Arsene Wenger turned their attention to an arcane entry in the FA's rule book.
Law 14.1 sub clause 4 (1912) states: Any team that fails to show up for a match without proffering a valid and believable excuse shall not forfeit the match. Instead the game shall be played by the remaining side, thereby punishing the offending side by destroying their goal difference.
While Arsenal played some scintillating football, dominating their opponents (who were stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the M5) for most of the match, they were once again guilty of overplaying and wasting chances.
After 90 minutes where the Gunners hit the upright an incredible 45 times and almost put the ball into their own net, the match ended in a disappointing 0-0 draw.
Rumours abound that other teams are set to follow the Blades example and not bother showing up for games against the Gunners.
Arsene Wenger had to be forcibly prevented from committing ritual suicide after the result and was placed in restraints and carted away while screaming: "Beautiful football, the Arsenal way..." repeatedly.
Curbishley, Pardew cause riot
Chaos broke out at the Valley yesterday when Alan Curbishley and Alan Pardew seemingly forgot who was managing which team in the East London derby between Charlton and West Ham.
After West Ham scored the opener, Pardew celebrated like a demented drunk who has just won the lottery for a good ten seconds before realising that he was not managing the club anymore.
When Darren Bent equalised ten minutes later he ran to his manager to celebrate, only to be intercepted by a clearly jubilant Curbishley.
At this point huge swathes of fans added to the confusion by swapping shirts and cheering on players at random. The metropolitan police had to be called in after thousands of fans arrived at the wrong homes after the game, cueing hysterical phone calls from wives and family ranting about imposters and strange men breaking and entering.
At last count police had sent several genetic samples to their forensics lab in an effort to clear up the confusion and establish the identity of large numbers of traumatised east Londoners.
Police spokesman Jim Rosemount said: " It would appear that an incident of mass hysteria broke out in Charlton on Saturday, brought on by psychological trauma and the accidental ingestion of stadium quality hot-dogs on a massive scale.
"We have spoken to police psychologists and there is some agreement that what happened is the result of the fickle nature of modern football and an inherent human reaction to disloyalty and general back stabbing.
#568
General discussion / Re: Football Trivia quiz
January 10, 2007, 12:28:41 PMQuoteQ There are 4 players who have played for four different teams who have won the European Cup without ever winning it themselves
Who are they and what were the teams?
Van Hooijdonk
Ronaldo
Dean Saunders
Laurent Blanc
#569
General discussion / Re: Official Gooners Thread
January 10, 2007, 08:57:01 AM
It was good to see Alliadiare having a good game last night. maybe Arsenal could get a few extra pounds for him if they sold him now during the transfer window.
With Rosicky, Hleb, Baptista & Walcott all challenging for wide mid-field positions, Ljundberg's days with Arsenal must nearly be over. They might even sell him now as he's not cup tied for the FA Cup.
With Rosicky, Hleb, Baptista & Walcott all challenging for wide mid-field positions, Ljundberg's days with Arsenal must nearly be over. They might even sell him now as he's not cup tied for the FA Cup.
#570
General discussion / Re: Official Gooners Thread
November 18, 2006, 02:36:12 AM
I'm a fan of Adebayor, particularly when it come to unlocking stubborn defences, but Newcadtle are so poor at the moment I believe we should start with Henry & Van Persie up front. This match should suit the gunners passing game, with the possibilty of scoring 3 or 4 goals. If Newcastle can hold out for the first hour, the bring on Adebayor for the last 30 mins to sneak a goal for an ugly 3 points