There seems to be a whole genre emerging of the elaborate glowing Amazon review. The best one I've seen yet has to be this from a fan of Poe:
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41MXP76Q9RL.jpg)
19,352 of 19,646 people found the following review helpful
Make this your only stock and store
(http://www.amazon.com/Tuscan-Whole-Milk-Gallon-128/dp/B00032G1S0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387740742&sr=8-1&keywords=tuscan+milk)
By Edgar on July 8, 2008
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming lucid dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.
Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.
Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387748060&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+hair+removal+cream+for+men
that my friend, is pure quality. only read first 40 or so. in tears here
Some serious wits at work there!!!
Amazon has become a treasure trove of some brilliant satirical writing.
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31VTJj4VuVL._SY450_.jpg)
50,324 of 50,920 people found the following review helpful
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!
By SW3K on March 3, 2011
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
At the other end of the scale is the $40,000 TV:
Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED UHDTV (Black) (http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41Iayl16CuL._SX425_.jpg)
10,183 of 10,363 people found the following review helpful
Very satisfied
By James O. Thach TOP 1000 REVIEWER on November 25, 2013
My wife and I bought this after selling our daughter Amanda into white slavery. We actually got a refurbished. It's missing the remote, but oh well-- for $10K off, I can afford a universal, right? The picture is amazing. I've never seen the world with such clarity.
Amanda, if you're reading this, hang in there, honey! We'll see you in a year.
*****
I just wanted to add an addendum to my review. Since posting it, we have received a flood of responses. People have said some pretty hurtful things--even questioning our values. Let me assure you, this was not an easy decision to make, and we made it as a family. Obviously, it's very personal. But in light of all the second-guessing, I wanted to explain our thinking.
First and foremost, screen size. I really think you can't go too big. 85" may seem huge, but you get used to it fast. Second, resolution. Is 4K overkill? Please, that's what they said about 1080P! More dots = better. Period. And as far as this being a $40,000 "dumb" TV, people need to re-read my initial post: WE BOUGHT IT REFURBISHED. It was only $30,000.
Some of you may think I'm avoiding the "elephant in the room"-the real reason why this was such a heart-wrenching choice. So let's just get it out there. Yes, the 120 Hz refresh rate is a disappointment, especially on a 4K. But life is full of compromises. And frankly, we hardly notice. All in all, no regrets.
P.S., as for our daughter, NO ONE has the right to question our parenting. Totally out of bounds. Amanda was going into 7th grade, so it was going to be a transitional year anyway. Now she gets to see the world. How many kids her age get to go to Bahrain? I sure as heck didn't, but you don't hear me screaming "child abuse." Bottom line: MYOB! Seriously.
*****
Has it been a year already? Wow! I guess that's what 8 hours a day of immersive TV will do for you! Many of you have expressed your eagerness for an update. Well, here goes.
Generally, the Samsung has held up beautifully. We have noticed a little bit of lag, mostly in multi-player gaming--but not enough to cost us any firefights. There have been some issues up-imaging low rez content, but that's to be expected when you early-adopt--we're still "waiting on the world to change," as John Mayer would say (gosh he's talented.) On the plus side, we feel like we are now officially part of the cast of GOT. The other night Peg almost had to open a window to let Daenerys' dragons fly out!
And you'll all be happy to know our darling Amanda is back with us, safe and sound. She has changed a little. She's less talkative than before (though she had some choice words for me when I asked her to clean her room). And she's started wearing eye make-up, which has Peg a bit concerned. But welcome to thirteen, I guess. We're just glad to have her home. And she loves the TV. That's the main thing. In fact, she spends so much time in front of it lately, you'd swear she owns it.
Quote from: grounded on December 22, 2013, 09:35:22 PM
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387748060&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+hair+removal+cream+for+men
Tears running down my face here - absolutely brilliant!!
Carlsberg Special Brew 440ml x 4 1760g
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carlsberg-Special-Brew-440ml-1760g/dp/B0051C0RWI/ref=pd_sim_sbs_grocery_1
Smooth, sophisticated and flavourful Carlsberg Special Brew has been THE lager of choice for discerning gentlemen of the road since 1950. From the first satisfying crunch of the ringpull on Giro day to the hazily discerned blue flashing lights of an armed response unit, Special Brew glides down the throat like the phlegm from an angry Galsweigen Ned down the windscreen of a Special constables car. True, there are many imitators, each with a distinct corner of the market, but none quite manage to cover the range of bouquets or flavours available from this distinctive King of the Beggars.
A casual glance allows us to see the quietly reassured subdued red and gold of the can, sporting it's own crest. This drink knows its business, it doesn't feel the need to advertise though gaudy packaging, it is,in fact, the Rolls Royce of superstrength lagers.
The Golden Lady is a harsh mistress, harsh in that the unwary may well believe that they have simply have some sort of fugue state or even an embolism upon waking the day after consuming four cans of Trampaigne, clothes, and social life in tatters, a string of unremembered texts sent on your stolen moblie phone, but harsher still since the price of a can of the Amber Nectar skyrocketed to as yet unheard of heights, causing many to ask, "What is so special, about Special Brew?" My local shop has decided to sell Special Brew at £2.79 a can, and has sold so little of it that it actually went out of date before they shifted their stock. These little tubes of golden happiness were never supposed to be the province of the super rich, you will never see the House Windsor sporting real gold cans of Carlsberg while having the help roll dogend cigarettes in silk rizlas, sadly it was never meant to be drunk from the expensive shoe of a waiflike supermodel by coked up City Traders, it was aimed at and has cornered the market as Skid Row's oblivion of choice. Gracing the cornflakes of many an embittered divorcee, embittered ex trophy wife and bailhostels around the country alike. Unfortunately, one feels that the state in all it's infinite wisdom is determined to stamp out the use of this character forming libation, like early christians driving out paganism from the masses, supplanting it with their own insipid version of so called happiness. They will find however that the spirit of the brew will live on, the idea immortal, to rise again, and till that day I raise a glass of the Golden Lady, the harsh mistress of the streets, to friends, present and not, and cry "Usque ad mortem bibendum"!!!
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008B5ISVO/ref=azfs_379213722_ThreeWolfMoon_1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-5&pf_rd_r=07BERGP665P3YC37E5M8&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=1608755502&pf_rd_i=1001250201)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/712sWdE2OTL._SX522_.jpg)
36,106 of 36,523 people found the following review helpful
Dual Function Design
By B. Govern on November 10, 2008
Color Name: Dark GreenSize Name: Boys 2-4
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
Another good one:
James O. Thach "@JamesOtisThach"
This review is from: Cold Steel Trail Boss Hickory Handle (Sports)
[THIS REVIEW IS SATIRICAL, AND NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF ACTUAL AXE MURDER. DON'T DO IT. IT'S WRONG.]
I really like this axe. It's got a nice solid piece of hickory in the handle, and the head's high carbon steel--it needs some sharpening out of the box, but then it keeps its edge. I don't know how it would hold up against a tree, but it works great on people.
I'm an axe murderer. By which I mean, I kill people with an axe. If you have a problem with it, drop it in the comments section below and know that I will never read it. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. It's just who I am.
Who do I kill? I don't have a type, really. I think guys who'll only kill blondes or Asians are kind of creepy. I'm more interested in what's on the inside. For me, the biggest thing is a sense of humor. Like the other day, I'm in the library, loading up on a bunch of early Phillip K. Dick (The Man in the High Castle, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich, etc.--if you have a problem with dystopian sci-fi, again, leave it in the comments). Anyway the librarian--this kind of low-key hipster chick in hornrims--says, real dry, "What's with all the old Dick? Having a lemon party?" I died laughing. We both did.
Deadly! ;D
Great thread lads. ;D
Breguet Tourbillion Messidor Mens Rose Gold Watch. Price – $118,199.99 (http://www.amazon.com/review/R3K634QWBXXOAZ/ref=cm_cr_dp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B002T4V3W4&nodeID=377110011&tag=&linkCode=)
(http://static02.mediaite.com/geekosystem/uploads/gallery/funny-amazon-reviews/breguet-tourbillon-messidor-mens-rose-gold-watch-price-118199-99.png)
Dylan:
"I actually first saw this watch at a neat little store in Luxembourg, as I was refilling my ruby-encrusted helicopter with gasoline made out of unicorn tears. I passed it by, thinking nothing of it, but as I landed on the solid gold helipad of my fourteen-story chateau, it got me thinking: What am I missing in my life? I asked my pedigree manservant to fetch me the name of this trivial timepiece, and with a knowing chuckle I discovered that this Tourbillon watch came from the same countryside workshop as my armoir made of faberge eggs! Hearing this, of course, it had to be mine. Having purchased this watch, I can tell you first hand that it is worth every penny. The ability to tell the time when I look at my wrist is well worth the money. Of course, I had to buy three for my long-wristed manservant; sometimes it is a bit too much trouble to look at one's own arm. But whether you're scaling a custom-made solid platinum full-scale replica of Mt. Everest, or diving to the depths of the Adriatic Sea in your sapphire-encrusted submarine, you can be sure that this watch will tell you the time."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Barrettine-Methylated-Spirit-500ml/dp/B002ATI4VG/ref=cm_lmf_tit_10/275-4949177-6727715
Some good ones!
Reading the reviews for Jamie's literary masterpiece is worth a chuckle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Men-Had-dream-narrow/dp/1478334843
The Mountain Combat Stryker Adult T-shirt (http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-Combat-Stryker-T-shirt/dp/B004OKAZVQ/ref=pd_rhf_cr_s_cp_2_MGGC?ie=UTF8&refRID=13EGF8QTF3WW6JQYFNX2)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51cEgP4LeaL.jpg)
Stoic, patriotic, and proud. . .
By MSPower on May 5, 2011
In the face of danger wearing this shirt bestows upon me the incredible strength and fortitude of Eagle-man Fighter Pilot. . . the man, the bird, the legend.
Confident in his limitless power Eagle-man Fighter Pilot protects us from all that is evil, such as salmon moving in opposition to the mainstream, as well as voles and rabbits that attempt to get to our root-values.
He especially has disdain for moths attempting to overthrow the very fabric of our society.
Have you ever seen a zombie? No you have not, and you can thank Eagle-man Fighter Pilot for that too, for he stays ever vigilant patrolling the skies watching and waiting. . .
His methods include swooping down getting up close and personal shredding his enemies to bits with his mighty, mighty talons as well as unleashing hellfire missiles kept close-at-wing when he is in the mood for a good explosion.
Eagle-man Fighter Pilot is not all work however; he does enjoy a good game of bocce ball now and then, as well as fine dinners of raw steaks and sushi.
Eagle-man Fighter Pilot resents the fact that he is often confused with Eagle Man, his cousin, who is a car insurance salesman from Chicago, IL known for his low rates and distinguished commercials.
Wear the shirt, and be proud!
Stoic, patriotic, and proud, that is the Eagle-man Fighter Pilot way. . .
202 of 207 people found the following review helpful
Use shirt with care
By Maus on November 19, 2011
I ordered this shirt, and it promptly arrived 1 week later. I took it out of the box and immediately put it on. Just then my mom walked into my room and she literally exploded from a patriotic awesome overload. I realized then that I could use this shirts power for good, or for evil.
Now I roam the streets at night looking for criminals. When I find them, I puff out my chest like a boss and they spontaneously combust in the flames of american justice.
please only purchase this shirt if you plan on using its powers for good.
95 of 107 people found the following review helpful
Nothing says Freedom like a Bald Eagle in a flight suit!
By James A. Plaisted on September 16, 2011
I dont know about you but i love freedom and Bald Eagles and fighter planes and other types of really cool $@#t! When I walk into a room wearing this shirt people get uncomfortable cause they're not sure weather to salute me or give me an enthusiastic hi five. I live the dream in this T. This shirt says lifes alright and I'm not afraid to to wear the right colors.
According to the IT girl from England who works in my office, this shirt will garaunteed get you beaten up anywhere in Europe. She's a bit of an alcaholic so I don't really buy in to much of what she has to say. Besides I'm pretty sure she is just chapped that they dont have a Patriotic Britt version.
Ok back to the awesomeness that is this shirt. If your friends aren't impressed by the Bald Eagle in the flight suit then they will surely be blown away by the 3, count em', 3 fighter planes flying over the right shoulder. If they're not impressed by that then maybe they're not really your friends to begin with.
Buy this and be proud! Your living in America @$^&*!!!!!
That shirt needs no reviews. It is itself the purest form of satire.
Quote from: Eamonnca1 on December 24, 2013, 10:44:12 PM
The Mountain Combat Stryker Adult T-shirt (http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-Combat-Stryker-T-shirt/dp/B004OKAZVQ/ref=pd_rhf_cr_s_cp_2_MGGC?ie=UTF8&refRID=13EGF8QTF3WW6JQYFNX2)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51cEgP4LeaL.jpg)
Stoic, patriotic, and proud. . .
By MSPower on May 5, 2011
In the face of danger wearing this shirt bestows upon me the incredible strength and fortitude of Eagle-man Fighter Pilot. . . the man, the bird, the legend.
Confident in his limitless power Eagle-man Fighter Pilot protects us from all that is evil, such as salmon moving in opposition to the mainstream, as well as voles and rabbits that attempt to get to our root-values.
He especially has disdain for moths attempting to overthrow the very fabric of our society.
Have you ever seen a zombie? No you have not, and you can thank Eagle-man Fighter Pilot for that too, for he stays ever vigilant patrolling the skies watching and waiting. . .
His methods include swooping down getting up close and personal shredding his enemies to bits with his mighty, mighty talons as well as unleashing hellfire missiles kept close-at-wing when he is in the mood for a good explosion.
Eagle-man Fighter Pilot is not all work however; he does enjoy a good game of bocce ball now and then, as well as fine dinners of raw steaks and sushi.
Eagle-man Fighter Pilot resents the fact that he is often confused with Eagle Man, his cousin, who is a car insurance salesman from Chicago, IL known for his low rates and distinguished commercials.
Wear the shirt, and be proud!
Stoic, patriotic, and proud, that is the Eagle-man Fighter Pilot way. . .
202 of 207 people found the following review helpful
Use shirt with care
By Maus on November 19, 2011
I ordered this shirt, and it promptly arrived 1 week later. I took it out of the box and immediately put it on. Just then my mom walked into my room and she literally exploded from a patriotic awesome overload. I realized then that I could use this shirts power for good, or for evil.
Now I roam the streets at night looking for criminals. When I find them, I puff out my chest like a boss and they spontaneously combust in the flames of american justice.
please only purchase this shirt if you plan on using its powers for good.
95 of 107 people found the following review helpful
Nothing says Freedom like a Bald Eagle in a flight suit!
By James A. Plaisted on September 16, 2011
I dont know about you but i love freedom and Bald Eagles and fighter planes and other types of really cool $@#t! When I walk into a room wearing this shirt people get uncomfortable cause they're not sure weather to salute me or give me an enthusiastic hi five. I live the dream in this T. This shirt says lifes alright and I'm not afraid to to wear the right colors.
According to the IT girl from England who works in my office, this shirt will garaunteed get you beaten up anywhere in Europe. She's a bit of an alcaholic so I don't really buy in to much of what she has to say. Besides I'm pretty sure she is just chapped that they dont have a Patriotic Britt version.
Ok back to the awesomeness that is this shirt. If your friends aren't impressed by the Bald Eagle in the flight suit then they will surely be blown away by the 3, count em', 3 fighter planes flying over the right shoulder. If they're not impressed by that then maybe they're not really your friends to begin with.
Buy this and be proud! Your living in America @$^&*!!!!!
Brilliant. ;D
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/416VQTXkTXL._SY450_.jpg)
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS 24 Jan 2012
By Andrew
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
****************
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
*******************
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.
In summary:
Pros: A small expense, certainly didn't burn a hole in my pocket.
Cons: Did burn a hole in my scrotum
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.
***********************
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus 24 April 2012
By Tagnutt Mandeville
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.
Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.
He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.
Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my c**k eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.
When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.
Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.
5 Stars from me.
*****************
757 reviews.... all here
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388687040&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388687040&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men)
http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Inc-Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=lmf_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Kind of funny in itself that you can buy uranium ore on amazon.
Quote from: neilthemac on January 06, 2014, 11:29:25 PM
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/416VQTXkTXL._SY450_.jpg)
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS 24 Jan 2012
By Andrew
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
****************
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
*******************
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.
In summary:
Pros: A small expense, certainly didn't burn a hole in my pocket.
Cons: Did burn a hole in my scrotum
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.
***********************
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus 24 April 2012
By Tagnutt Mandeville
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.
Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.
He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.
Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my c**k eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.
When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.
Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.
5 Stars from me.
*****************
757 reviews.... all here
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388687040&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388687040&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men)
I am surprised you read that thread, considering this one is much shorter and you obviously didn't read it. ;D
Actually laughed out loud in class there, some serious funny lines, the wanting a gay snowman being one of the funnest.
Some class reviews here.
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/dp/B000EVQWKC
Have a guess what this is a review for ... clues replaced with ***. :)
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The *** "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting *** so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of them left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
Thought I'd resurrect this one!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/PAM-ST-CLEMENT-Canvas-Signed-Artist/dp/B003BRMOIU/ref=amb_link_181100467_49?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-3&pf_rd_r=1R0DJ37T8HWAT1HSY8VZ&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=489124887&pf_rd_i=1000799743
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41RoaaYYljL.jpg)
I like it best at around 10 to 2
By TeeKay on 10 May 2012
I have one of these in each of my good rooms. I like it best at around 10 to 2 or 10 past 11. That's when the hands cover her eyes. When they don't, she tells me to do bad things.
Q:
Are rumours of this clock screaming "Fraaaannnnnkkkkk" on the hour every hour accurate or unsubstantiated?
ah bollocks! theres the next half hour from my day gone!
Last one! (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51EaslW3pEL._SX355_.jpg)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Box-Canvas-Print-Paul-Ross/dp/B001N6W8U0/ref=amb_link_181100467_13/279-1769754-3123740?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-3&pf_rd_r=07HC0HV8V5K9QQFCCK76&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=489124887&pf_rd_i=1000799743
There is a bunch of others on here, including the wildly inappropriate street cleaning simulator.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000799743
Not an Amazon review but one from Just Eat. I don't care if this is fake or not it made me laugh.
http://www.joe.ie/news/pic-this-hilarious-nsfw-review-on-justeat-proves-that-timing-is-everything/506035
anyone see these Amazon reviews of Kim Kardashians "book" of selfies..... ::)
A poor tree died for this. — Tracy
• I can recommend the audio version of this book. It lasts 37 seconds. The narrator basically says, "On this page, we have an idiot and her cleavage looking into a camera," 500 times. — Reed
• 1. Take the money you were planning on buying this book with.
2. Look at it reaaaaal good.
3. Put it in an envelope.
4. Donate it to Nepal.
5. (optional) Go buy yourself some brain cells. — yoyoman159
• It's a little uncomfortable but doesn't leave pieces behind when you go to wipe like other brands like Charmin and generic brand toilet paper. — Kris
• They should perfume the pages so blind people can hate it, too. — J. Cheever
• I placed this book in the waiting room of my practice. My assistant continually finds it in the trash at the end of the day. — Dr. Charlie
• Gravity will have the last laugh. Bring it on. — Mark
• I had a choice between this and a monkey's paw. I chose the monkey's paw. They still made me take this book. I tried to burn it, but the match turned blue and went out. I threw it in a lake, and all the fish died. When I drove home, I found it in the back seat. I'm pretty sure that in seven days Kim is going to crawl out of this book and tell me about her new line of clutch bags. I have a very old, sickly neighbour; I'm going to let him read it and see if the curse transfers to him. Man, I hope so. — M. Varden
• I bought this book because I wanted to go into the tropical fish business. I really thought this would be an instructional guide to Sell Fish. The woman with the trout face really threw me off. Apparently this book is actually about selling melons as I can now see from the cover photo. Buyer beware.— Guppy Lover
• Not great! — Roberto
Quote from: Eamonnca1 on December 24, 2013, 10:44:12 PM
The Mountain Combat Stryker Adult T-shirt (http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-Combat-Stryker-T-shirt/dp/B004OKAZVQ/ref=pd_rhf_cr_s_cp_2_MGGC?ie=UTF8&refRID=13EGF8QTF3WW6JQYFNX2)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51cEgP4LeaL.jpg)
Stoic, patriotic, and proud. . .
That T shirt is so bad its good