Calling all Bards - Alternative Valentines messages

[An Fear Rua]

The local butcher had a special on sat, Strawberry and Cava sausages.

They were very very good, but the wife didnt appreciate the fact that I had got her  sausages for vals day.

[pintsofguinness]

I give nothing, in fact it wasnt even mentioned.

Think after five years she's learning. 

[An Fear Rua]

Pints, is this 'she', 'housemate' etc a hamster?

I don't know how you manage it otherwise.

Can of worms

[pintsofguinness]

Pints, is this 'she', 'housemate' etc a hamster?

I don't know how you manage it otherwise.

Manage what? 

[Orior]

I had a table booked for Valentine's night after the match in the Athletic grounds.

It was a waste of time - she's crap at snooker.

[pintsofguinness]

Pints, is this 'she', 'housemate' etc a hamster?

I don't know how you manage it otherwise.

Manage what? 

Not getting the head ate of ye.

Because she knows there isn't room in any relationsip for two moaners!
To be fair 95% of the time she's extremely easy going (think polar opposite to me) and knows I wouldnt listen to shite even if she did go on with it! 

[An Fear Rua]

im picturing the most stunning deaf mute in history.

[Tony Baloney]

Only a mug would spend a fortune on flowers that will be dead in a few days. I used to be that soldier until I caught myself on.

Card and small bunch from marks and spencers this year and a feed that the missus cooked and I ate with the baby slung over my shoulder!

Children are a natural and very effective contraceptive!

[The Gs Man]

To <insert her / his name>

The time I have spent with you has been the most wonderful time of my life.  The thought of being without you crushes my heart, a pain I would never want to feel.  You are my everything and I want to grow old with you. I love you so much.

Touch my willy.

Used that one Sideline!!  Didn't work though!

[Eoghan Mag]

Er...When's Valentines day?

[ziggysego]

Next year

[Derry Dolly]

roses are red
violets are blue
i saw a cow
and thought of you

lol i bet you got far with that one!
valentines to be honest is a pile of sh1t, im a girl an dont c the point of it (and no before any "ur just bitter etc" quotes come my way!)im not available 
trying to eat out on that nite, its like a cattle market!

[Orior]

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
   But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
   Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
   In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
   I just wish it wasn't £250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
   Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
   But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
   Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
   I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
   So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
   You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[Tony Baloney]

roses are red
violets are blue
i saw a cow
and thought of you

lol i bet you got far with that one!
valentines to be honest is a pile of sh1t, im a girl an dont c the point of it (and no before any "ur just bitter etc" quotes come my way!)im not available 
trying to eat out on that nite, its like a cattle market!

That's Derry for you. You should try somewhere more civilised - like Antrim or Armagh.

[T O Hare]

Well i dont mind them buying cards but the man who would write all that corny shyte would turn me 

who was telling you