The Funny Joke/Picture Thread

[Maximus Marillius]

Why Parents Drink
 
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to
see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he
saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed
to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
 
 
 
 
 
Dear Dad:
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am.
 
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
 
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love,
 
Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you.
 
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[AZOffaly]

Is this not 'Corny one for a Friday' material?

[Maximus Marillius]

No more like jokes, stories that are funny etc

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Maximus Marillius]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famousfor?"A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f**king white man to becalled Winston!"-----------------

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?Everybody won!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?About 2.3 pounds including the urn.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through toacall centre in Pakistan.Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane......----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says"Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me..."Oi, what's your disability?"  I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blondestaring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she startswaving."Excuse me, do I know you?" he asks."Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says"F**king hell,are you the bird I shagged on my stag do, while your mate whipped me andyour other matestuck a brush up my arse?""No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confessdarling, Iwas a hooker!".He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admitthat I find it quite erotic.Tell me about it".She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing thekitchen floor.He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in."SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect.Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy andsadat the same time".His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"

[Maximus Marillius]

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

- You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..

[The Watcher Pat]

Hilary Clinton shaved her pussy the night before the big super Tuesday debate....

When asked up on to the podium to deliver her speech she stepped up lifted her skirt and shouted





"Read My lips No more Bush!"

[Orior]

Why the desire to be different Maximus? What happened last night?

[Lecale2]

I was E Mailed this from Cork.

http://www.daft.ie/searchsharing.daft?s%5bcc_id%5d=ct3&s%5ba_id%5d=339&s%5bmnp%5d=&s%5bmxp%5d=&s%5broom_type%5d=either&refine=Refine&search=1&s%5bsearch_type%5d=sharing&s%5brefreshmap%5d=1&search_type=sharing

[Maximus Marillius]

 JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for
her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me
to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I
want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath
so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up
to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

[Maximus Marillius]

The Stud Rooster
>
> A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
> his
> chicken coop.
>
> The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old
> fart,
> time for you to retire."
>
> The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL
> of
> these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just
> let me
> have the two old hens over in the corner?"
>
> The young rooster says, "Beat it... you are washed up and I am
> taking
> over."
>
>
> The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race
> you
> around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain
> over the
> entire chicken coop."
>
> The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old
> man.
> So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the
> young
> rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch
> of the
> farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is
> already about
>
> 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
> porch
> when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun
> and...
> BOOM!! He blows the young rooster to bits.
>
> The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay
> rooster I bought this month."
>
>
>
> Moral of this story... don't mess with the OLD FARTS. Age and
> treachery will always overcome youth and speed!

[DirtyDozen12]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

So, whats the moral of this story??
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
Always keep your condoms in your car!

[Maximus Marillius]

a good one there dirty dozen

[Maximus Marillius]

                      Tommy Cooper classics

                         1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd
                         think at least one of them would have seen it.

                          2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you
                          want to buy marijuana,  press the hash key...'

                          3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
                          Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I
                          can clearly see you're nuts.'
                          4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
                          other day but I couldn't  find any.

                          5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet
                          him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off
                          the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too
                          high.'

                          6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A
                          strong currant pulled him in.

                          7. A man came round in hospital after a serious
                          accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't
                          feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
                          can't, I've cut your arms off'.

                          8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
                          pulled a muscle.

                          9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
                          They lit a fire in the  craft, it sank, proving
                          once and for all that you can't have your kayak
                          and heat it too.

                          10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
                          floor of his van covered with hundreds and
                          thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

                          11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
                          growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you
                          some cream for that.'

                          12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
                          Grass of Home' 'That's  like Tom Jones syndrome.
                          'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual.'

                          13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My
                          dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
                          for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a
                          look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines
                          his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he
                          says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
                          Because he's cross-eyed? ''No, because he's
                          really heavy'

                          14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a
                          cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?'
                          'Don't you start.'
                          15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

                          16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

                          17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
                          says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said
                          'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
                          go for it.'

                          18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
                          Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it
                          must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my
                          Dad, or  my older Brother Colin, or my younger
                          Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

                          19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
                          other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are
                          you, you fat bast**d!

                          20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
                          drinking battery acid, and the other was eating
                          fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
                          off.

                          21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me
                          on my driving today. They left a little note on
                          the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
                          was nice.'

                          22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've
                          hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said,
                          'Well don't go there anymore'

                          23. England's worst air disaster occurred early
                          this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
                          crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
                          workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
                          expect that number to climb as digging continues
                          into the night

[MayoMan]

[MayoMan]