Donny Doherty diary in the Irish News

[pedro]

I dunno about you lads but it's kinda growing on me. It's a bit like your average soap opera, you know it's bad but you want to know what's gonna happen next.

Will Donny flatten Ballyvogues new manager? Will he make the league panel for the county? Is Rose-Anna doin the dirt with T O'Hare?

Tune in next week...

[RadioGAAGAA]

I definitely think that its getting there.


When ye start a column like that, it can't be easy to get it right straight off the bat - but I think most can see a week-to-week improvement on it.

[Rav67]

What about Donny this week the sly dog!  I hope Rose-Anna starts slutting about with Ryan or some of the lads to get back at him

[Donagh]

Late night French kiss only serves to add insult to injury
Donny's Diary
By Donny Doherty
30/01/08

Friday 10:34pm

Fuming. Club training again tonight and it's getting worse. The outside manager, that Derry clown Neil Crozier was at it again, Coco we have christened him.

He sent us on a few laps of the pitch for the warm-up and then fired us straight into the slog. Not even a hint of a stretch.

"Right lads. She's not going to be pretty tonight,'' he explained.

He had set out a pole in each of the four corners of the pitch and the object was to run a figure of eight around the four cones going at three-quarter pace between the long diagonal cones at either corner and then slowing it down to a jog between the shorter cones along the end line.

"How many are we doing?'' One of the boys asked.

"It's not how many, it's how long and for asking the question you've just got another five minutes,'' Coco smiled.

There was a chorus of groans but worse came when, after the silence returned, a voice from the back boomed: "So how long are we running for now?'

"Sweet suffering Jaysus Malcolm but you're some dodo," Ryan said.

Coco just laughed and told us five more.

Malcolm is our full-forward. At six foot six tall and about three foot wide he's as big as a gorilla.

He's as strong as a one too, just a pity he is not as smart as a gorilla.

If he were we would really be going somewhere!

The run lasted 40 minutes. Ridiculous.

The ground was that mucky it was like running through sticky tar. Only 16 out of 25 finished it.

Ryan was one of the early casualties.

He's still on the Atkins diet and is losing the weight but he seems more unfit than ever.

Apparently it's because he has no carbs in his system. His breath stinks too.

Me and Coco never spoke. I finished about fifth in the group.

I wanted to stop a few times. Not because of being wrecked but because of the sheer pointlessness of it all.

But stupid pride took over and I didn't want to give Coco the satisfaction of been able to go into one of his, 'oh look at the big county man rants'.

At least training tomorrow with the county will be more enjoyable.

Saturday evening - National Lottery on TV

I wish I had stopped that stupid run now. Tweaked my groin at county training this morning. We were doing a little speed agility work and as I was exploding off my right leg I just got this little jab.

Fair play to Lt Jackie he spotted my reaction straight away and told me to step out.

He went ballistic when I told him what I did last night. Totally lost the plot.

Started roaring about amateurs ruining all his hard work. He had a right go at me too.

Told me I had to choose which was more important, pleasing some fool who didn't know what he was talking about or being the best footballer I could be.

I know he's right but it's not that simple.

Ballyvogue is a very small town and there are no other players from the club on the county team.

If I don't train, not only will Coco be on my back but the lads will treat me differently.

That's just what happens with teams.

If you're not there all the time then you're not part of the craic and banter.

It's inevitable that you're seen as a little bit of an outsider when you swan back in for a game.

And to be fair: why should I swan back in and take someone's place who has been training away for a few months?

Sunday - early hours

Took myself into Jamestown tonight to cheer myself up. It's the county's biggest town and is always heaving with women and craic - no not that stuff, although apparently that's not too hard to find these days either.

So, it was pints all round for the boys and chat and chauffeuring duties for me.

The nightclub was packed and there was an outrageous amount of skirt in there.

We met an old school friend, Patrice Dubois. My God, I didn't think it was possible, but she's even better looking now.

Her father was French and her mother Indian and how she ended up living in little Drumbanna I don't know but, as Ryan said, when he clocked eyes on her, 'I would crawl over broken glass to sleep in her shadow'.

I ended up giving her a lift home and it turns out that the lovely Patrice is a big GAH fan which of course helped matters.

There are definitely some perks to being a county footballer and let no player tell you different.

Just look through the crowd during the Allstar awards if you don't believe me.

Got to her parents' house and she invited me in for coffee - and no, it wasn't like the movies, it really was just coffee.

We chatted for hours. She explained that her surname is French for woodcutter.

And she talked for what seemed like hours about her course in Trinity.

It is amazing how long a man will listen to ancient history and archaeology if he thinks there is something in it for him!

I know all about the pyramids and their alignment with the stars now. Anyway, I got a kiss and a mobile number.

Not a lot some might argue, but enough for now.

I'm not a complete sc**bag you know, but when I was driving home Rose-Anna did keep popping into my head.

Is this what guilt feels like?

But I think I'm safe enough - 'we are taking things easy,' her words not mine. That means we can see other people, right?

Monday - 7:35pm

Just back from some physio with the delectable Kelly. But if you think getting your groin rubbed by a beautiful brunette is one of the perks of being a county player then you would be wrong.

Jaysus but she got in deep.

"I have to break up the scar tissue, Donny, it will hurt but it will be good in the long run," she said.

It all sounded a bit technical to me but what I do know is that the pain had me hopping off the bed.

She thinks I will be OK for Sunday though.

Monday - just before midnight

Just got a text from Rose-Anna. 'Hope u enjoyed ur little French Kiss!!!'

[full back]

Not much football in it this week, seems like Donny is going the way of a lot of young fella's

[T O Hare]

donny is a snake.. how did she find out though

[amigo]

donny is a snake.. how did she find out though

I heard you told her in Belfast Tommy when you were trying to slip her one. you dirty dog !!!!!

[pedro]

Class

[tyroneboi]

Never thought i would say this but Donny has been growing on me the past few weeks. Quite an enjoyable read now!

[stpauls]

is it still going, i wanna know what happened between him and his girl after the encounter with the french bird!!!

[tyroneboi]

is it still going, i wanna know what happened between him and his girl after the encounter with the french bird!!!

The long and short of it was he took the french bird and the other woman out on a date on the same night. After dinner with one he took the other to the cinema but was caught out and got slapped by the pair of them in full view of everyone!! If I was him i would take the money and head to the states.

[T O Hare]

after a terrible start its grown on me and i have to admit i am addicted..

[Rav67]

He's decided to go to the States after coming to blows with Crozier the Derry blow-in club manager.  Lot of folk are gonna be disappointed in him leaving pre-Championship, he's the county's free taker after all.  But if he's not going to get any more club football I suppose he might as well go.  Can't find this video of him getting bitch-slapped by the women on youtube unfortunately.

[Rav67]

For anyone who hasn't seen today's:







It's Gonny Doherty
Donny's Diary
By Donny Doherty
26/03/08

Thursday – lunchtime

I arrived to work this morning to find a cardboard box in reception. "A Rose-Anna McKenna was here this morning Donny and left this for you.''

There was a definite hint of a smile when Maire, the receptionist, relayed the news...

I was like Brad Pitt in 'Se7en'; confused and a little scared.

And the carnage inside that box.

Poor Billy had been chopped to pieces. Now what had he ever done to deserve this?

I bought Billy for her when I was 15 for Valentine's Day and now this once-adored, precious little teddy bear lay decapitated and dismembered in the bottom of a box.

There were other things in there too.

Every card that I had given her cut into a thousand pieces, CDs were broken in half. Bottles of perfume had been emptied onto the rest of the box's contents.

And all the jewellery that I ever bought her – I think all of it anyway – had been put in an envelope and smashed to smithereens.

Thursday – Evening time

I think everybody in Drumbanna has the video clip of Rose-Anna and Patrice slapping me around the cinema car park at this stage.

Even my poor mum got it sent to her by Mrs Cleary... interfering old bag that she is. She probably took great pleasure in it.

Mum has barely spoken to me since. The old man thinks it's a blessing in disguise; more time for

football now, he says.

I've tried texting and ringing Rose-Anna but she won't even entertain me and when I called to the house I was chased by her old fella. He said he would castrate me if I came near the place again. I took his advice and stayed away. You don't want to mess with an angry vet.

Friday – latish

I'm still confused about this offer to go to the States.

I called into his pub to see Teddy McVeigh today. Just to talk it over with him but his reaction alone was enough to tell me that a lot of people would be disappointed in me if I went.

His face dropped when I told him about the offer.

"Ah Jaysus, Donny, don't tell me your thinking about it.''

"I am Teddy. I have never been over and sure, you're only young once.''

He shook his head.

"What would you want to be going out there for? Thing's haven't been this good with the county team in years Donny and sure if we're knocked out early you can go then.''

There was silence for a while.

"Is it the money or that tape that's doing the rounds that's making you think about it?''

There was no point in trying to bluff the man..

"Both.''

He nodded his head.

"The tape will be forgot about in a week. Trust me, and if you don't trust me on that trust me on this, money is not everything.''

He paused and took a drink from his pint of rock shandy and his face suddenly got a little serious.

"You're a Drumbanna footballer Donny and while other counties might laugh at us we are as proud as the next man about our football. Am I right or wrong?'

"Right Teddy.''

"And the dollars in the back pocket might feel good for a while but they'll run out soon.

"Stay Donny. Give it a rattle and sure if we only win a match or two in the backdoor isn't that progress? You can still go to the States then.''

He was right. Maybe I was just running away from things. It just felt easier to jump on the plane and go.

Sunday – Mid-afternoon

Well that makes my mind up. I'm off. I can't stay now that's for sure.

Me and Crozier had a fight today. And not a shouting match. No, I mean proper fisticuffs. Still not sure how it happened.

We had another stupid friendly game and got another almighty hammering.

I was last out of the shower and overheard him chatting to Tom Mac, one of his selectors from Ballyvogue, outside the changing rooms.

"That Tadgh Doherty boy was missing again. What's the story with him?

"What sort of a GAA man picks rugby over a game of football?''

Tadgh had missed the friendly cos the town's rugby team had a play-off to get into the league final.

To be fair it was a no-brainer. He had to play the rugby but I wasn't surprised that Crozier couldn't see that. He struggles to see the nose at the end of his face at times. But then he went too far.

"I think he is a bit of a waster to be honest and is not as good as all you Ballyvogue men think. If you ask me he hasn't got the guts for a fight.''

I just saw red. I came out roaring and shouting and calling him all the names of the day. He was taken aback at first but then the stubborn old mule dug his heels in and kept insulting Tadgh.

I just kept shouting. It was like all my frustrations were being let loose on this muppet.

"You stupid Derry numpty. What would you know about the good old GAA when you're bleeding us dry every week.

"Mercenary. And it's not like you're worth it. I'd rather have Tommy bleedin' Lyons managing me.''

I had hit a nerve and made it personal.

"Well, well Mr Doherty. You are a fine one to be talking this week of all weeks.

"At least I wouldn't let two women slap me around a car park.''

The red mist descended and I just remember swinging.

He swung back too. I got a few good skelps in before Tom separated us.

Crozier was roaring at me.

"You will never play under me again you wee %*&%$"

Fine by me.

Monday – almost midnight

Jaysus, but do I feel like the man who stole the collection box at mass.

I went to training tonight to tell Pearse and that I was for off. It went down like a lead balloon.

From the moment I said it I could tell that Lt Jackie was really ticked off. He just glared at me.

"And your mind is made up?'' Pearse had asked.

"Yeah, it's nothing to do with the county set-up. That's great.

"It's just everything else that is going on. I just need to get out. My life is in a bit of a mess''

Lt Jackie walked to the door opened it and turned round.

"Vince Lombardi said: 'The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavour.'"

There was an uncomfortable silence before he spoke again.

"Now, the man talked some dung at times but I think he was spot on there Donny. Maybe there is a reason why you're running away. Maybe you're afraid to really give things a go.''

Now, of all the things said and done to me over the last few months I think that hurt the most.

I respected Lt Jackie and he has just called me a quitter.

Tuesday – Evening time.

Told them I was leaving at work today. The boss was great.

He had only given me the job because of the football so it wasn't like I was indispensable.

What Lt Jackie said is still getting to me though. I'm not a quitter, at least I don't think I am.

I patched up Billy last night and wrapped him up and left him at the front door of Rose-Anna's house this morning.

It's ok, her dad was at work.

She texted me: 'Thx. Mayb I was a bit rash cutting him up. Look after urself in da States. X'

I will try. And hopefully when I come back I can prove a few people wrong...

[lfdown2]

after a terrible start its grown on me and i have to admit i am addicted..

likewise, actually look forward til it!