Bereavement

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

I'm sorry to be so morbid but we've been told to expect the death of a close family member soon. We've heard the reports of the medical consultants and basically, bar a miracle, there's little chance going back - and this will be the first passing of an immediate family member.

I'm the only man left if/when this happens and I want to know, honestly, and in practical terms, what to do, expect, plan for, anticipate and so on.

It happens to everyone and the more informed I can be, the better I can look after things that just need sorted.

[Hereiam]

Don't worry too much its amazing when things like this happen friends, family & neighbours will rally round and take care of a lot of things. Its the one good thing left in Irish society and really brings out the best in people.
Your first point of contact will be with the funeral director who will take care of all the paper work including paper advert from then on it will be out of your hands the only thing you might want to do if your up to it is say a few words about this person, write it out as you will not remember it all.

[J70]

You talking only about, excuse the term, the logistics?

[BennyCake]

Undertakers sort a lot of the formalities. Priest will probably chat to family about prayers, gifts, mass, burial etc. Family and friends do a lot and you really appreciate everything at these times because your heads all over the place.

Just be there for each other, that's all I would say. And when the inevitable happens, take it day at a time.

[Bingo]

Sorry to hear about the news.

I'm guessing by reading your post you want some understanding of what will happen and put your mind at ease before this happens so that you have some control and perhaps as much preplanned as possible.

Have a read through RIP.IE they have a section under practical information that should have everything you need.

[Fiodoir Ard Mhacha]

That website is excellent. It covers the basics but also things I have not at all considered.  I suppose it is the 'logistics'. But dealing with the 48-hour wake itself is just as daunting.  Thank you.

[5 Sams]

That website is excellent. It covers the basics but also things I have not at all considered.  I suppose it is the 'logistics'. But dealing with the 48-hour wake itself is just as daunting.  Thank you.

I used to hate going to wakes until I was in the situation myself. It's great comfort to have a constant stream of people coming to the door...agree with everything the lads above say. If you are like me and are member of a tight knit GAA community then the support you will get from the club and other members is unreal.

[Harold Disgracey]

Went through this 2 years ago when my mum and granny passed within 2 weeks of each other. Basically everything will pan out as Hereiam says.

[J70]

We had to deal with a family member who died in the states,  which meant a lengthy wait before their body could be released and taken home. By the time the funeral came around,  some of the shell-shock had worn off and we were just glad the whole funeral whirlwind was ending. Probably made it harder at first though,  because there was a lot of waiting around,  whereas had it happened at home, it would have been two incredibly busy days of wakes and arrangements and then the funeral.

[The Iceman]

We had to deal with a family member who died in the states,  which meant a lengthy wait before their body could be released and taken home. By the time the funeral came around,  some of the shell-shock had worn off and we were just glad the whole funeral whirlwind was ending. Probably made it harder at first though,  because there was a lot of waiting around,  whereas had it happened at home, it would have been two incredibly busy days of wakes and arrangements and then the funeral.

we often discuss the difference between traditional handling of deaths and funerals in Ireland vs America. I find death/funerals/wakes to be very cold in America. No wake at home, a few hours viewing at a parlour somewhere and then the funeral. Usually 2-3 weeks after the death.  I find it much harder to see any closure or acceptance of loss for Americans. Also creates a disconnect in many ways the with "person" of the loved one who has passed.
I see this has slowly started to happen in Ireland? Less wakes at home and more viewings at funeral homes? whats the general consensus on this? I think it happens more so in towns and wouldn't be the norm for country folks? sad to hear. I've found great comfort in the support of the wider community at times of loss at home in Ireland. The show of solidarity, respect and support is a huge part of what I miss.

[armaghniac]

We had to deal with a family member who died in the states,  which meant a lengthy wait before their body could be released and taken home. By the time the funeral came around,  some of the shell-shock had worn off and we were just glad the whole funeral whirlwind was ending. Probably made it harder at first though,  because there was a lot of waiting around,  whereas had it happened at home, it would have been two incredibly busy days of wakes and arrangements and then the funeral.

we often discuss the difference between traditional handling of deaths and funerals in Ireland vs America. I find death/funerals/wakes to be very cold in America. No wake at home, a few hours viewing at a parlour somewhere and then the funeral. Usually 2-3 weeks after the death.  I find it much harder to see any closure or acceptance of loss for Americans. Also creates a disconnect in many ways the with "person" of the loved one who has passed.
I see this has slowly started to happen in Ireland? Less wakes at home and more viewings at funeral homes? whats the general consensus on this? I think it happens more so in towns and wouldn't be the norm for country folks? sad to hear. I've found great comfort in the support of the wider community at times of loss at home in Ireland. The show of solidarity, respect and support is a huge part of what I miss.

In general Ireland has a compassionate process after death, it is one of the strengths of our society. Customs can differ a bit in different districts though, and they are flexible enough to accommodate different circumstances. I know around Cross' wakes were traditionally in houses while my Louth relatives often rested in funeral homes.

[brokencrossbar1]

My mother's wake was one of the most difficult yet comforting things I ever have had to do.  It's funny how age make things seem different as I was 22 when my dad died and his wake was very different as I was not as involved in the whole 'wake' thing whereas at my mum's I was really the 'man of the house' and it was a completely different experience.  The thing I found difficult to come to terms with was the amount of people who came.  There were queues out our street to the road and I reckon over 3000 people came through the house at least during a 2 day period.  That blew me away and it helped with a lot of healing as it made me realize how people felt about my mother and our family as a whole.  I gained great strength from that as I never felt alone.

[J70]

When we finally got our family member home, neighbours and relatives pitched together for the wake, grave digging etc. Very, very supportive! 

And I'd often found the whole "sorry for your troubles" bit awkward and cliched when I had to utter them, but when you are the bereaved,  it actually is a great comfort.  Not the words themselves,  but the fact that all these people took the time to come and offer them.

[Main Street]

I'm sorry to be so morbid but we've been told to expect the death of a close family member soon. We've heard the reports of the medical consultants and basically, bar a miracle, there's little chance going back - and this will be the first passing of an immediate family member.

I'm the only man left if/when this happens and I want to know, honestly, and in practical terms, what to do, expect, plan for, anticipate and so on.

It happens to everyone and the more informed I can be, the better I can look after things that just need sorted.

Just be yourself and delegate as much as possible of the practical stuff. If you want to do one good thing,  make sure you get the close family together for sufficient time, alone away from the hustle and bustle, to share the emotions and memories in peace. That bit is important because it's all to easy to get distracted from experiencing your own grief in the midst of all the social interaction.
When you will be receiving sympathy expressed  from hundreds ,your attitude will be  just one of deep appreciation that they have taken the trouble to acknowledge your loss, you are not under any pressure to be anybody other than yourself. 

[BennyCake]

When the wake takes place, it's a good idea to take a quick rest as it's physically and mentally draining. I found myself also becoming dehydrated from the constant meeting and talking and not having time to have a cup of tea or a sandwich. It can be a long few days so you need your energy levels to get through it.