Dear lawnseed..

[lawnseed]

following a litany of pm's recently seeking my advice on a wide range of problems and despite my many years of life experience I don't feel entirely comfortable dishing out advice on a one to one basis. so I have decided to start this thread where we can share our problems. safe in the knowledge that a problem shared is a problem halved. I don't want any oul smart arse remarks these are serious issues that demand tact and careful consideration. I think a certain degree of proper understanding that these are trying times and we should try to understand the mental anguish that our fellow board members and guests may be suffering.

dear lawnseed,

I am writing to tell you about my depressing problem. about two years ago I became the boss of a well known organisation who's name once rolled of the tongue of everyone on this island. we were seen as the leaders. helping people who needed it. all I had to do was ride the crest of the wave. then there were changes the guy who started us quit and the eejit who took over hadn't a clue then the job fell on me. to tell you the truth i'm already flat out in my own business and don't need the money and I just don't have the time or the patience to be bothered. to make matters worse the guy I hoped would take over got caught not declaring some money he received and there's no one else. I don't want to be seen as the one to drop the ball. so what do you think I should do?  (name and address supplied)

dear sick of it,
it sounds to me like the rot set in long before you took over that organisation so i'm sure you couldn't be held solely responsible for its demise. I see your a GP so you could always bow out on medical grounds just say your under too much pressure. i'm sure your supporters would understand given their age. I think you just like the prestige of being a leader but don't want the attention or being in the 'spotlight' its hard to say for sure i'm going to post this one on my new thread and let the boys mull it over for you.

well there's a man in a quandary what do you think? 

[lawnseed]

here's another one

dear lawnseed
I'm so lonely and I miss Ireland so much. I'm in the England for a while now and its never going to be like home. this year has been very difficult my beloved county did very well in the championship and some even thought they could do the big one. I really wanted to be at home to absorb the atmosphere and the board was very comforting even though there are a lot of nordie shinners on it and  I do a little sniping at them. but now that I'm suckling at Britannia's breast I doubt that I'll ever be back. is there anything you could suggest would help reduce my home sickness?

dear lonely
firstly as regards the 'big one' you know that your county are complete losers so wasn't that clutching at straws? you need to wake up if you were back here now the gimp Kenny would be cutting your dole in order to get you to emigrate so actually your missing nothing. get a grip man! sniping at shinners is something bred into Mexicans but slowly they are realising that they have been played for fools for nearly 100 years and actually were better off under British rule. there is hope theres pearse.. stop thinking about Ireland and embrace your new British identity perhaps go for citizenship and swear allegiance to the queen and be another terry wogan

perhaps I should have been more sympathetic but the mans deluded about football

[lawnseed]

dear lawnseed

some time ago my father had a big hit on the country and western scene in fact his music crossed over in to pop. he has done everything to get me into the entertainment business and as a child star I enjoyed huge success. now I no longer have that teenie following and I am trying everything to make it as an adult. I tried wiggling my butt and sticking my tongue out..   I know.. to be honest I just want a job in a fast food joint I feel its about my level. how do I get out of this?

dear 'completely talentless'

I can see what's happening here you have become a product instead of an actual artist. while it has went well enough for your dad that doesn't mean the entertainment business is for you. working in fast food is very rewarding and you can eat as many fries as you like. don't worry about quitting show business by Christmas you'll have been forgotten about and you can stop wiggling your skinny arse and making faces. maybe in a few years you could do a reality show about losing weight, quitting  prescription drugs and relaunching your pop persona.
I going to post your letter as a warning to other child stars like Justin beiber and owen quigg

[lawnseed]

here's a very serious letter..

dear lawnseed

I'm married to this extremely hot super model. up until lately she been quite happy to be married to me and remain somewhat in my tall skinny shadow.. just happy shopping and doing the odd photoshoot for a bit of spending money. we've just had a baby and suddenly she wants a 'career' she mixing with these luvvies and loving it.. these men she's working with get her all hot and sweaty as she works out with them. I'm doing my best to look unconcerned but I just want to go round there and punch them out.. please help.

dear tall and ungainly man

to the day I die I will never know how you cornered this beauty in the first place never mind married her. you must accept the attention your wife receives from these men as your own career is on the wane and has been for some time and you will soon need the money SHE earns. the chances are she's going to pack you in sooner or later so punching someone wont cure the problem. look forward to doing shows like I'm a celebrity and breaking down on live TV like Les Dennis. don't go out with Jordan what ever you do.
best of luck.
PS don't do any more stupid dances 

[Apparently so]

You're weird

[lawnseed]

You're weird

perhaps you'd like to share your problem. I find that response usually points to a deep and ingrained mental trauma share its the only way to relieve your burden

[Farrandeelin]

Arra, I thought you'd know what his 'trauma' is...

[lawnseed]

the PMs are coming thick and fast.. getting through them could be a problem I may need an assistant..

[Rossfan]

What's that clown on...??

[mayogodhelpus@gmail.com]

What's that clown on...??

Even by LS standards this thread is bonkers.

[ziggysego]

What's that clown on...??

Even by LS standards this thread is bonkers.

Didn't know LS had standards.

[lawnseed]

What's that clown on...??

Even by LS standards this thread is bonkers.

plausible denial terry.. oops I mean mayo

[heganboy]

i'm enjoying these- keep up the good work fella

[Farrandeelin]

i'm enjoying these- keep up the good work fella

I get the first two, but not the rest...

[anglocelt39]

What's that clown on...??

Even by LS standards this thread is bonkers.

plausible denial terry.. oops I mean mayo

Nice one LS