Depression

[paddyjohn]

I lost my best friend to suicide on the 19th March 2001 and buried my father on New Years Day 2002. Inside 9 months I went from a young cocky 20 year old to being complete mess. Depression was something that never entered my head, in my head I was mourning, it was normal. Then bang on Paddys day 2002, I didn't know but a few of my friends had arranged to come lift me and we were for the local to watch the club finals, they wanted to suprise me so I couldn't back out, as I took my first step out of the house, I froze, I couldn't do it. I made an excuse and went back to bed, cold sweats started and I cried into my pillow, again I told myself that I was mourning. One of my mates had rung a girl who I had been seeing before my fathers passing, he told her what had happened and she sent me a text out of the blue a few days later about having a chat, she was a trainee nurse who had spotted the signs after my best mate died the previous year. I met her for a chat a few days later, she told me what she had thought and how my behaviour had changed throughout 2001 and thats why our relationship had ended in her opinion. She accompanied me to see a doctor who diagnosed me with depression. I was scared and to be honest I was embarrassed but at the same time I felt like my world had changed, I could think clear again, I could look people in the eye without fear of bursting into tears when they asked about me or my family. I spoke to my family and told them what had happened and how I had been feeling, they knew what was happening and only then did it strike me that I was never alone, everywhere I went there was one of them with me, they were scared that I was going to do the same as my best mate but didn't want to say it straight out. Thankfully after a few months of spilling my thoughts out to the doctor, I had got myself sorted and could live again. There has been dark days since but I'm a better place to deal with them.   

Sorry for the long post but even though its been 16 years I still feel like pressure is being released with every letter I type in this post. I told my story to a youth team within my club recently and one of the young lads came to me after and asked if he could speak to me, he was going through the same as he buried his Dad last September. The manager is good friend of mine and asked if I'd speak to them group about mental health and how its ok not to be ok. The lads mother rung me a few weeks ago to thank me for the effort I've put in with him. I'm not saying that I'm an expert or looking praise but if I can help one person then I've achieved something.

Have a word with somebody folks, no matter how trivial you think it is, you need to talk.

I can absolutely relate.

About eight years ago friend once organized a singles meetup dinner thing in a nearby city, mainly for my benefit because she knew I wasn't well and needed a bit of company in my life. I was nervous but drove there anyway. When I got to the restaurant there were about ten other fellas and eleven women, all single and ready to mingle. I felt the anxiety building. They were making the seating arrangements at a big long table and I just felt a wave of terror wash over me. I went to the restroom and hid for a while, then came back out and made my apologies to my friend, saying "I see you're a bit short of seats, I don't mind leaving." I got back in my car and cried on my way home, then texted my friend saying "I'm really sorry. I just can't do this right now."

I felt awful because she'd gone to a lot of trouble, but she was very understanding. It's always okay to talk about it.

And because in your own head you feel you’ve let her down so everything becomes really bad again. I’ve have that feeling before to. The process of thinking logically doesn’t exsist. I’m sure your friend didn’t mind but you couldn’t see that.

I had a bit of downer 3 weeks ago, went for a promotion at work and didn’t get it. World fell apart for 2 days. I couldn’t see anyway how I could continue to work with these people, paranoia set in and instead of being thankful that I have a wife & 2 beautiful kids, I was cursing them up and down for being part of the reason I didn’t get the job. Thankfully I started to think straight and things settled quite quickly for me. I had a chat with the local parish priest and although it’s not everybody’s cup of tea, I’ve found myself praying a lot more now than I ever did. I suppose it is a form of release aswell.

It's very important to talk....doesn't matter who to just so long as you talk....it is a form of release, and as for prayer....never knew it to harm anyone. Enjoy your kids....blink of an eye until they fly the nest. Best of luck👍

Yip, talking is the key to it all. They are already to big to hold Daddies hand in their way to nursery and P1 lol

Cheers pal.. 👍👍

[Puckoon]

That won’t last forever. They’ll be holding daddy’s hand intermittently between now and 9/10.

It’s a lovely physical connection and it can lift your spirits with the slightest of touch.

I share custody of my daughter with her Mum and to be honest I don’t know where I fit on the mental health scale but I know I’m pass remarkably happier when she’s under my roof and when we’re engaging with each other. She’s 10 now and starting to assert herself and push the boundaries. There have hands down been times when she’s my sole reason for everything. A great comfort.

Best of luck and keep talking and enjoy those moments of connection with your kids when you get them.

[imtommygunn]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

[paddyjohn]

That won’t last forever. They’ll be holding daddy’s hand intermittently between now and 9/10.

It’s a lovely physical connection and it can lift your spirits with the slightest of touch.

I share custody of my daughter with her Mum and to be honest I don’t know where I fit on the mental health scale but I know I’m pass remarkably happier when she’s under my roof and when we’re engaging with each other. She’s 10 now and starting to assert herself and push the boundaries. There have hands down been times when she’s my sole reason for everything. A great comfort.

Best of luck and keep talking and enjoy those moments of connection with your kids when you get them.

The last few weeks have been good as I've almost felt guilty for blaming them, when it turn it was my own shortcomings that didn't get me the job so I've been spoiling them. The comfort I get from them is second to none.

[paddyjohn]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

Admitting it is the hardest thing to do, the lad needs a decent support from family members to help him instead of talking about doctors controlling him. There is very little you can as he might think you are sticking your nose in.

[Insane Bolt]

That won’t last forever. They’ll be holding daddy’s hand intermittently between now and 9/10.

It’s a lovely physical connection and it can lift your spirits with the slightest of touch.

I share custody of my daughter with her Mum and to be honest I don’t know where I fit on the mental health scale but I know I’m pass remarkably happier when she’s under my roof and when we’re engaging with each other. She’s 10 now and starting to assert herself and push the boundaries. There have hands down been times when she’s my sole reason for everything. A great comfort.

Best of luck and keep talking and enjoy those moments of connection with your kids when you get them.

The last few weeks have been good as I've almost felt guilty for blaming them, when it turn it was my own shortcomings that didn't get me the job so I've been spoiling them. The comfort I get from them is second to none.

I remember a wise man saying to me years ago that when you have kids your life is like a large jar of marbles and that each opportunity to do something with them meant taking a marble out that you could never put back. When I look back now I feel that I was selfish with my time, and feel very guilty. However when I talk to my kids they don't feel that I was selfish .....I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy every minute with them. I would love to have that time again.

[paddyjohn]

That won’t last forever. They’ll be holding daddy’s hand intermittently between now and 9/10.

It’s a lovely physical connection and it can lift your spirits with the slightest of touch.

I share custody of my daughter with her Mum and to be honest I don’t know where I fit on the mental health scale but I know I’m pass remarkably happier when she’s under my roof and when we’re engaging with each other. She’s 10 now and starting to assert herself and push the boundaries. There have hands down been times when she’s my sole reason for everything. A great comfort.

Best of luck and keep talking and enjoy those moments of connection with your kids when you get them.

The last few weeks have been good as I've almost felt guilty for blaming them, when it turn it was my own shortcomings that didn't get me the job so I've been spoiling them. The comfort I get from them is second to none.

I remember a wise man saying to me years ago that when you have kids your life is like a large jar of marbles and that each opportunity to do something with them meant taking a marble out that you could never put back. When I look back now I feel that I was selfish with my time, and feel very guilty. However when I talk to my kids they don't feel that I was selfish .....I guess what I'm trying to say is enjoy every minute with them. I would love to have that time again.

I've never heard that before but its very true. Yeah I've alot to be thankful for.

[Rois]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

Would he talk to you about it?
We did a mental health first aid course a few weeks back in work and the advice was that even if you end up falling out with him in the short term, at least he will know you are not afraid to mention it.

A girl I work with just got married to an Irish hockey player who has been incredibly open about his personal struggle:
 www.the42.ie/paul-gleghorne-mental-health-hockey-interview-3379361-May2017/
It's a good read.

[tintin25]

Had a few turns recently but thankfully have perked up again and got involved in a few clubs/classes to the keep mind active.

Personally, my low points stem from the fact I'm not in any sort of relationship at the minute and I'm actually a little petrified at the thought of growing old alone.  Majority of friends are all married, in relationships and having babies, and I want what they have.  I constantly overanalyze previous relationships, questioning whether I should have ended it or indeed beating myself up as to why they ended it.

Realise you should never compare your life to others and other aspects of my life are very good (compared to others here) but it's hard to shake at times.

[The Iceman]

Can I encourage you all to participate in a great event coming up in Armagh this weekend:
https://www.eventbrite.ie/e/re-ignite-your-ultimate-power-tickets-44439759517

It can equip many of you who struggle with depression or negativity, with the tools and techniques to take control of your thoughts.
I've personally went through similar training and talk to the host of the event regularly still.
Worth every penny.

[imtommygunn]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

Admitting it is the hardest thing to do, the lad needs a decent support from family members to help him instead of talking about doctors controlling him. There is very little you can as he might think you are sticking your nose in.

Exactly. Genuinely a bit worried about the fella.

Rois he wouldn't really. To be honest i said to our manager that i could see bad signs and we talked about it. Won't accept help at all and is now thinking about leaving when that manager always gave him leeway whereas somewhere else may not. He has just bought a house so has a mortgage too and i am not convinced that extra responsibility will be good for him.

[paddyjohn]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

Admitting it is the hardest thing to do, the lad needs a decent support from family members to help him instead of talking about doctors controlling him. There is very little you can as he might think you are sticking your nose in.

Exactly. Genuinely a bit worried about the fella.

Rois he wouldn't really. To be honest i said to our manager that i could see bad signs and we talked about it. Won't accept help at all and is now thinking about leaving when that manager always gave him leeway whereas somewhere else may not. He has just bought a house so has a mortgage too and i am not convinced that extra responsibility will be good for him.

The financial side of life is a complete bastid for people. I’d say 75% of the rows with the wife are money related, sometimes the pressure is serious. We are lucky we have a decent group of mates who don’t care what kinda money we have or the holidays that we go on.

Sounds like you’ve done all you can and more. It’s hard to watch a work colleague going through a hard time.

This is a good thread folks, restores my faith in life. 👍

[Insane Bolt]

The Serenity Prayer is sound advice ......God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I think we go through different stages in life and I believe we do get wiser as we get older. When I was 17-30 I thought I was bulletproof, then marriage and kids settled the jets somewhat, busy being a full time taxi for the kids, late 40's and now well into 50's kids flown the nest, major health scares survived, mortgage free, enjoying life and looking forward to retirement.
Personally speaking I would not like to be 18 now, think there is too much pressure on young people, especially with 'social media' and so called celebrities. Took me a long time to accept that I can't change the world but eventually I did and life is good.

[imtommygunn]

There's a boy i now work with who i've known years and would now be very concerned about his mental health.

I think he is depressed but also thinks everyone is out to get him so he won't actually admit anything or get any help as he thinks doctors will put him on medication and his dad , who struggles too, has told him if he goes to a doctor they will "try and control him".

At the very least this thread is good because people are talking about it or admitting they have an issue but this fella won't at all

Admitting it is the hardest thing to do, the lad needs a decent support from family members to help him instead of talking about doctors controlling him. There is very little you can as he might think you are sticking your nose in.

Exactly. Genuinely a bit worried about the fella.

Rois he wouldn't really. To be honest i said to our manager that i could see bad signs and we talked about it. Won't accept help at all and is now thinking about leaving when that manager always gave him leeway whereas somewhere else may not. He has just bought a house so has a mortgage too and i am not convinced that extra responsibility will be good for him.

The financial side of life is a complete bastid for people. I’d say 75% of the rows with the wife are money related, sometimes the pressure is serious. We are lucky we have a decent group of mates who don’t care what kinda money we have or the holidays that we go on.

Sounds like you’ve done all you can and more. It’s hard to watch a work colleague going through a hard time.

This is a good thread folks, restores my faith in life. 👍

Cheers. Yeah his boss has said to me he has phoned helplines to seek advice on how to help him but every avenue he has tried he has drawn a blank. Difficult situation.

[Eamonnca1]

From the it's-good-to-talk department:

Last few days I was getting unbelievably stressed at work. I'd had a bad annual review (wasn't focused enough on my core area of responsibility, too much time spent on side projects that could create opportunities for me in the future but aren't directly related to what I was hired to do, hence quality of my work was suffering and others were having to re-do it) and I went home early on Friday in a terrible state because of it.

I came in this week trying to think positive but there was something poisoning the atmosphere on the team. There's this girl who's a star performer but doesn't get along with the rest of us. I had a major blowout with her yesterday and honestly felt like quitting on the spot.

Well this morning I asked her if we could have a private chat, and she agreed. We found a small conference room, talked over where we were coming from, all the little misunderstandings, all the little things each of us did wrong. It only took 15 minutes but it was amazing how much pressure was lifted from both of our shoulders. I felt relieved and I could see she felt the same. We agreed to be friends again and hopefully we're back to the same positive vibe we had when she first started here.

The power of talking things out is amazing. Not behind backs, but directly and face to face with a frank but polite and professional attitude. I admitted my mistakes up front and asked how I could make it better. She soon opened up and started admitting her mistakes and we apologized to each other for where we went wrong, and acknowledged where we both needed to do better.