Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Tyrones own]

How do you starve an Obama supporter?










Hide his food stamps under his work boots

[Onion Bag]

Dear Technical Support,

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, periodically and without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off..

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

Regards,

Troubled User

---------------------------------------------

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from a Girlfriend application to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run everything. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 1.2. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You are right that you cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.2 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.'

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Overuse of its support programs will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0..

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause catastrophic failure and irreversible damage to the operating system.

[Orior]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection..  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[The Real Laoislad]

I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88 mph.  Probably going Back to the Führer.

[Orior]

Great Scott! Thats a terrible joke, no timing at all.

[All of a Sludden]

Tony Blair called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

[All of a Sludden]

Wife was late home from work so I had to make dinner tonight. I was chopping herbs, and with my inexperience I managed to get some in my eye, blinding me.

I had to go to hospital, and the eye doctor says I may be parsley-sighted for the rest of my life.

[All of a Sludden]

Q. How does Batman's mum call him in for his dinner?

A. She doesn't. His parents' savage untimely death as a child is what ultimately leads him to become the Dark Knight.

[Orior]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[JUst retired]

A guy pops his head in the door of  the barbers shop, how long to get a hair cut? he asks.
"2 hrs replies the barber. thanks he said and goes out. the same thing happened a week later.
How long to get my hair cut? hour and a half replied the barber. Thanks and goes. Next week the same thing happened and when the man left the barber said to his assistant and follow him. He must be mad or something. The assistant came back in 1 hour laughing.
Where did he go? asks the barber?











Your house was the reply.

[Orior]

The barber didnt get it either, but his wife did.

[Over the Bar]

Q: What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?

A: The New York Jets

[ardal]

Shite joke!

Ha ha, need to go back to biology class Hardstation. I think the jokes on the opposite side

[Hardy]

A Glasgow policeman spots a drunk South African dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

What's the situation?
- A darkie is dancing on a car roof.

You can't say that over the radio. You have to use correct police language and terminology.
- Oh right. Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra.