Corny One for Friday

[illdecide]

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks



Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roared.



Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells. "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"



"It was Momma Bear, who got up first."
"It was Momma Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear, who made the coffee."
"It was Momma Bear, who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was Momma Bear, who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear, who set the table."


"It was Momma Bear, who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dishes."
"And now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence ...



Listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time ..."
"I haven't made the f*****g porridge yet!!

[illdecide]

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies,

"Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package."


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.

ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."


"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,

"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men."

the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday,

and TWO for Sunday."



"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,

picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,


one for March.....

[illdecide]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because
once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can
also wreak havoc if you push the wrongbuttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to
goanywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.
WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed
at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male,
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying

[illdecide]

Mixed emotions



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".  The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. 
   





She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."   

[illdecide]

SCOTTISH ROMANTIC POEM



Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic


A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody top notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer

[Orior]

Last time I saw that poem it was an Aussie poem!

[illdecide]

Last time I saw that poem it was an Aussie poem!

Thats prob accurate enough saan, u know the score yourself.

[illdecide]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on
the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you
doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear
this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" He never heard the
gunshot.

[illdecide]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in
the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure
and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have
to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would
not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

[illdecide]

> AN INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE
> PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE
> TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
>
> SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR
> YOU. WALKING IS
> ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES
> AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
>
> SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN,
> REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER ---IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO
> WALKING WITH HER."
>
> THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED
> THIS INFORMATION.
> THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
>
> "YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
>
> "I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A
> GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK"?

[Orior]

ALI G TALKS TO SIR ALEX FERGUSON:

Ali: A' ight. Wicked. I is ere with none other than me main man, Sir Alex Ferguson who is dee manager of dee ManUre.
Reespec' So Sir Alex, do you shovel sh!t all day ?

Sir Alex: No I manage a football team.

Ali: And dey is ManUre, no? Is dat not what comes out of  dee horses arse?  Me hear dat in da countryside dey put ManUre on der cornflakes.  Have you heard dat?

Sir Alex: No I haven't.

Ali: So why do dey call you Sir.

Sir Alex: Because I was given a knighthood by the queen.

Ali: For real? You and dee Queen 'ad a nighthood? Reespec'. She was a fox in dem old days. But she is a bit minging now, no?

Sir Alex: I found her very charming.

Ali: A' ight, whatever. Good personality 'n'all that. But, Sir Alex, if ya don't mind me sayin', ya is a bit minging yourself. I s'pose you was well 'appy to get your end away.

Sir Alex: Well I was certainly very pleased about my knighthood.

Ali: Me mate Dave says you look like some dead copper from Glasgow. He a bit mingin' too. Not Dave..dee copper. Are you old bill?

Sir Alex: No, I've already told you, I manage a football team.

Ali: OK 'den so'ow good is dee Manchester United?

Sir Alex: Well we are champions of Europe.

Ali: Yeah, but what about America. Dey is best no? Cos dey is der best at everyfin'.

Sir Alex: I presume you mean the USA. Well, they have  improved greatly but I would still say we are some way in front of them.

Ali: So would you win dee world cup 'den?

Sir Alex: Well of course not. To compete in that we would have to be a nation, a country.

Ali: So why don't you 'ave a war and get dee independance. Den you could play. Me hear dat Manchester is a bit sh!tty anyway, and dat it is always pissin' down. I bet dee queen will let you have it for noffin', 'specially since you is banging 'er.

Sir Alex: I'm not interested in politics. I prefer to stick  to football.

Ali: Whatever. So, who is David Beckingham?

Sir Alex: David Beckham is a very talented young man.

Ali: I 'ear he is married to one of dem spicey girls. They are foxes, no? Is he married to da ginga wiv dee big tits?

Sir Alex: No he is married to Victoria. You may know her as Posh Spice.

Ali: Me 'ear she takes it up da batty?

Sir Alex: Well I think that's between David and Victoria.

Ali: Ai', for real. Me try to take me Julie up da batty but she say no and called me a dirty bastard. Me 'ear dat David and Posh have a kid, and dat 'dey called it Bronski Beat or some'fin.

Sir Alex: He is called Brooklyn, after where he was conceived.

Ali: Ai' me heard dat. It would 'ave been funny if 'dey had called 'im "Up da batty", no? 'cos den we would know dat dey is up to all dat stuff.

Sir Alex: I don't think that is very tasteful.

Ali: No it aint, dats what me Julie says. So, how old is Old Trafford?

Sir Alex: It is over a hundred years old, but is one of the most modern stadiums in the world.

Ali: Did they 'ave dinosaurs when dey built it. And giant bats?

Sir Alex: No I don't think so. Its very modern.

Ali: Does it smell of wee?

Sir Alex: No.

Ali: Me seen dat you and your team is always fighting and bein' dead angry and stuff on da pitch. Is you well 'ard?

Sir Alex: Well we play tough, but I would say we play fair.

Ali: Do you wanna go?

Sir Alex: I'm sorry?

Ali: Do you wanna go? Cos I've got me posse waiting round the back wiv bats and dat so if you reckon you is 'ard, will you take us on?

Sir Alex: We're passionate but we don't like to fight for the sake of it.

Ali: Me 'as 'eard dat you 'as got a ninja turtle in your posse.

Sir Alex: A ninja turtle?

Ali: Ai', Kung foo and dat.

Sir Alex: I presume you mean Eric Cantona. He is no longer at the club.

Ali: What? Is 'e in da nick. Me 'eard he went down for being French or somefin.

Sir Alex: Eric did community service for attacking a fan. But he was provoked.

Ali: 'Ow was 'e provoked? Did someone call his mama a bitch. I 'eard dat some one from the south west massive called my mama a slag and I'm gonna do da ninja 'ting on 'im. 'cos the police, dey don't do noffin'.

Sir Alex: In court the victim claimed that he told Eric that it would be an early bath for him. But I'm sure it was a lot ruder than that.

Ali: Ai' when me a kid me 'ated havin' dee early baff,'specially if der was somfin' good on telly. Is it true that he knobbed Leslie Ash?

Sir Alex: I wouldn't like to comment on that.

Ali: She a real fox, int she?

Sir Alex: I suppose so.

Ali: Would you like to knob 'er?

Sir Alex: I'm a married man, I wouldn't feel the need.

Ali: Ai' for real. You is knobbing the Queen anyway. Reespec. So for all you kids out der if you ming but you still want to knob the Queen, you should pay attention to this geezer..Sir Alex Ferguson. 'E may look like dee bulldogs arse but 'e is well in der. Big Up Sir Alex.

[southdown]

Man walks into a fish and chip shop, he is carrying a fish under his arm.

He says to the man behind the counter, "do you sell fichcakes?"

The man replies, "Of course we do, we're a fish and chip shop!  Why do you ask?"

Man replies, "it's his birthday."

[illdecide]

Whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic Volcano?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Icelandic Volcano is still blowing Ash

[Lar Naparka]

This guy had a small business- only two employees, Liz and Jack.
Times were hard and he knew he'd have to let one of them go.
Trouble was he couldn't decide which he should sack.
He spent a lot of time thinking about this and still couldn't make up his mind.
Liz walked into his office to find him sitting there with a very worried look on his face.
"What's the matter, Boss? You seem to have a problem."

"I'm afraid I have, Liz. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"You'd better jack yourself off then because I was laid last night."

[illdecide]

Muslim Mothers

> Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a glass of mint tea.
>
>
> The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
> photos and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He
> is 24 "
>
>
>
> "Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
>
>
> "He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
>
>
> "Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
>
>
> "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
>
>
> "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair
> when he was born."
>
>
> "He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.
>
>
> "Oh gracious me," says the other.
>
>
> "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
>
>
> "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> started school."
>
>
> "He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
>
>
> After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> wistfully at the photographs and says..........
>
>
> ..."They blow up so fast, don't they?